Man's vegan girlfriend forces him to get rid of his cat. 'Are you kidding me?!' AITA? UPDATED
When this man is annoyed with his girlfriend's odd request, he asks the internet:
"My (22M) vegan girlfriend (21F) wants me to get rid of my cat. AITA?"
I can't believe I'm about to type this but here we go. I've been dating my GF for 7 months. She's amazing and we're super compatible in a lot of ways.
She is an outspoken vegan, and she made it clear at the start of our relationship that it was important to her that any potential had similar cruelty-free values.
Me, already being a pescatarian, had little difficulty transitioning to a fully plant based diet. My GF was proud of me for going cruelty free and everything seemed well. We became "the vegan couple" on our college campus.
Then there is my cat, Mittens... I've had her for three years and I adore her. She's such a sweet and cuddly cat. However, my GF was always a little apprehensive around her, and she blamed it on not growing up around cats.
After a while we sort of made a tacit agreement to mostly hang out at her apartment instead of mine, so Mittens never really came up again in conversation.
Fast forward through all the quarantine stuff... My gf and I have spent a lot of time together during this pandemic and we've started talking about taking our relationship to the next level.
We began seriously looking at either buying a new apartment together or having one of us move in with the other.
However, after a lot of talking and planning, my GF sat me down and dropped a bomb shell on me. She said that with this next phase of the relationship, she did not see a future with me unless I was willing to give away Mittens.
She said that she believed owning a cat is unconscionable for vegans, because they hunt mice and eat meat, and because the very act of owning a pet is a violation of vegan principles.
I was stunned. I told her that I was absolutely not willing to give up Mittens, and she had no choice but to eat meat so I was reducing harm as much as possible by buying reputable brands of cat food.
Plenty of vegans own cats and think along those same lines. My gf got mad and said "how much flesh does your cat eat? How many animals died to make all that food? Would you be okay with that being human flesh?"
I got mad and told my GF that I would have really appreciated her telling me about her cat opinions before we got serious. She went on and on about cats killing animals. I ended the conversation there.
I was so angry that I left my gfs apartment. And I snuggled with Mittens when I got home! Although the mood soured a bit when my GF sent me a link to a Reddit thread advocating for the extinction of domestic cats. Sigh
I think it goes without saying that I am not going to get rid of my cat. However, it pains me to think that an otherwise wonderful relationship could be ending because of a difference in ideology. I don't even really understand where my GF is coming from because like I said, a lot of vegans own cats.
Now granted, cat ownership can be a controversial topic in vegan circles and I probably would not have gotten a cat if I had been vegan at the time, but I have Mittens now, and she deserves to eat. (Yes, I've researched vegan cat food, but Mittens has some digestive issues and my vet strongly cautions against it.)
I've talked to some of my vegan and vegetarian friends and they all think my gf has lost her mind. Some have suggested that it's not about Mittens and my gf just wants an excuse to end it.
They probably don't understand why I haven't broken up yet, but I care about my GF so much. I'd hate for this bizarre curve ball to be the end of a beautiful thing. I want to try and work something out.
Where do I even go from here? I will not compromise on Mittens and I don't think my GF will compromise either.
Edit: wow, this completely blew up while I was asleep. I am trying to read every comment but there are a lot. Also, please allow me to take this moment to reiterate that my GFs views are not representative of those held by the wider vegan community!!
Before we give you OP's update, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
ghoulishm45 writes:
Letting domestic housecats outside is controversial because there have been studies showing them to kill large numbers of wildlife. There have also been studies that found housecats had less of an effect.
She is not saying that though, she's saying that assisting any carnivore is wrong and goes against vegan principles. That's not vegan. You can be a responsible vegan pet owner by adopting and not shopping, feeding a quality balanced diet from a reputable source and getting sustainable cat litter.
I think the issue is less her "vegan beliefs" about domestic pets and more a justification to get rid of Mittens. Sounds like she's always disliked her, I doubt she would have stayed with you if that was always her belief.
It's either a convenient excuse, or she's getting crazier. Either way, she's shown her true colors, best to leave now before she makes the decision for OP.
hayat writes:
This does depend on where you live, for example, the royal society for the protection of birds in the UK have it on their website that they don't think house cats need to be kept inside, and that the impact on wildlife is minimal compared with other things, like habitat destruction.
Europe have had domesticated cats for a very long time, so they are natural predators here. In places where this isn't historically normal, the birds are of course not used to cats being around and this can be a big problem.
From what I've read though, including a bunch of studies in the US, it seems the problem is actually linked to feral domesticated cats instead of pet cats. Most pet cats don't contribute as much to the killing of animals as you'd expect, but feral cats have it as their primary source of food and so hunt a lot.
In summary, many places cope fine with cats, they don't impact the environment disproportionately since they adapted alongside the local wildlife, and when cats are a problem it's usually feral cats since they rely more on killing wildlife for their survival. In some places though, like islands without natural predators, even pet cats can be devastating.
ablaha writes:
Exactly this, it isn’t about Mittens it’s about control. Healthy relationships don’t come with ultimatums and conditions like this.
She’s demanding that you not only give away a pet that you love but to abandon a commitment you made to the welfare of an animal, which would obviously be animal cruelty and against her own proclaimed ethical standards.
She is testing how many of your boundaries she can stomp on, this will not be the last ultimatum you get from her if you choose to continue this relationship. To her: Pescatarian, not good enough.
Have a carnivore pet, atrocious. What’s next? She’s the one willing to sacrifice the entire relationship for complete control over how you live, that’s entirely on her.
ahalsd writes:
As a vegan myself, abandoning an animal who has bonded to you and relies on you for survival just for the sake of a relationship is not very vegan. I also got my dog before I went vegan, and if anyone, vegan or not, told me to get rid of her, I'd be telling them to f right off.
Besides, even if you were to rehome Mittens, her new humans would most likely continue to feed her meat, so rehoming her isn't going to prevent the death of more animals.
You said yourself that you try to reduce the harm you cause with your cat's food by buying from reputable brands, if you rehome your cat her new humans might not bother to buy from reputable brands and just buy any cheap cat food.
Unless what your girlfriend actually wants is for you not to rehome Mittens, but get her euthanised, which again is not very vegan.
pol7 writes:
As a vegan myself, abandoning an animal who has bonded to you and relies on you for survival just for the sake of a relationship is not very vegan. I also got my dog before I went vegan, and if anyone, vegan or not, told me to get rid of her, I'd be telling them to f right off.
Besides, even if you were to rehome Mittens, her new humans would most likely continue to feed her meat, so rehoming her isn't going to prevent the death of more animals.
You said yourself that you try to reduce the harm you cause with your cat's food by buying from reputable brands, if you rehome your cat her new humans might not bother to buy from reputable brands and just buy any cheap cat food.
Unless what your girlfriend actually wants is for you not to rehome Mittens, but get her euthanised, which again is not very vegan.
And now, OP's first update:
First of all, let me say thank you for everyone who offered advice. There are over 7,000 comments on my original post and I have dozens of PMs. Frankly I'm still pretty overwhelmed with the magnitude of the response. I did my best to read most everyone's comments but obviously I couldn't get to everything!
I would also like to preempt this post by saying, as many users pointed out, that my GFs extreme views on domestic cats are not representative of the vegan/vegetarian community as a whole.
I do think that, sometimes, new vegans can be a little overzealous. In reality, most of us are just doing the best that we can to not hurt animals! I did not expect to generate a big debate in the comments.
So, we broke up, obviously. I would never, ever give up my cat Mittens. Many users said that this situation was about control, not veganism, and looking back, I do see a pattern of control on my GFs part. I was blind to it I guess.
I called my GF and said I was not willing to give up Mittens under any circumstances, and given the recent issues we'd had, and our incompatible views, I thought it was best that we parted ways.
I said she deserved a partner that shared her values. She then asked if we were breaking up, I said yes. There was some anger on her end but otherwise the situation actually went better than I expected. So, yeah. That's really it.