Man's wife suddenly starts to hate him and their kids; abandons them OUT OF NOWHERE. AITA? 2 BIG UPDATES.
When this man is blindsided by his wife's sudden abandonment, he asks Reddit:
"My wife suddenly started to hate me and our kids and left us out of nowhere? AITA?"
Hi, this is my first time posting and im not an english native speaker. Im also sorry for my mess of a text but im just at the end mentally. My [38M] wife [36F] started to become increasingly hostile towards me, the kids and her own parents.
Our kids are 12, 9 and 4 yo. I first started to notice it around one week ago when our 12 yo tripped while playing and fell on her face. I ran to her to reassure she was ok but my wife didn't really...bother? She just sat on the bench and watched me and our daughter.
That evening i asked her why she showed no reaction and she shrugged it off and told me that 'I looked after her so its ok'. Thats not her normal behaviour at all and if that had happened a couple months ago she would have dropped everything and immediately look after our daughter.
A day after that incident we ate dinner and the 9 yo asked her to pass him the Ketchup. She didn't pass it but responded with 'Why do you want to eat our Ketchup?'.
That caught me off guard and I was extremely baffled. He asked if it isn't also 'his' Ketchup but she insisted that its hers and her families Ketchup. I Thought she was making a joke but she looked extremely stern and sincere, so I gave him the ketchup.
The rest of the day was uneventful but she kept looking at me and the kids in this... I really dont know... aggressive fassion. As if we were a threat to her.
During the last week I received only one kisse, not a single hug or any other kind of affection and even if she sometimes smiles at me, it just looks extremely forced. Sometimes she just looks at me as if she searches something.
Obviously I asked her a couple times if something was wrong but she always denied it and said everything is fine. The problem is, if she was only hostile towards me i could somewhat in some way understand it. Maybe I annoy her, maybe she doesn't love me anymore or she thinks im cheating or I dont fg know.
But she also seems to hate or at least be neutral towards the children. When they talk about school she doesnt care, when they have problems she doesnt care. She doesn't tuck them in at night and i tell our kids that she's just in a bad mood and has a lot on her plate.
But obiously they know as sure as I do that something isn't right. It really got out of hand when 2 days ago her mother called me, asking me if something is wrong with her daughter.
Apparently she doesnt or at least only briefly answers her texts and doesn't want to meet her anymore. She told me that my wife told her that she 'isn't her real mother' which of course is something horrible to say and we both dont know why she said it or what exactly it meant.
When she asked my wife why she just said that she excused herself and said that it was a joke. She never or at least rarely had an argument with her mom. We all hat a great relation up to this week and i just cant in any possible way find out what changed.
It kept me up at night because my wife just feels like a different person. Now I thought about a mental illness, maybe some form of early altsheimers? But it doesn't seem to fit her behaviour.
She had a depression when she was younger but thats 10 years ago. She was as lovely as one can be not even 2 weeks ago. There are a lot of other instances of her behaviour but i dont have the energy to write it down right now.
That brings me to yesterday. I sat her down and asked her if something is wrong and I need an answer now or otherwise we will see a psychiatrist. She started telling me that everything was fine and she just 'has to act as she always does'.
That sentence made me feel sick to my stomach because I didn't know what it meant. Is she seeing someone? Is someone fg holding her hostage or what is happening? I asked her what she meant but she just brushed it off again, saying that she is ok.
I then told her that we're seeing a psychologist and she started screaming at me that I can't make her. I insisted so she threw a cup at me, got up and told me that she wants her 'real family' back. I don't fg know what that means. We didn't change anything. Everything is as it was a month ago.
She grabbed her purse and ran out of the house. She returned a couple hours later and told me she is sorry for how she acted. She did a complete 360 and said everything is good now she kissed me and told me she will explain it tomorrow but she is just tired now.
When we got to bed later she kept looking at me as if I'm a stranger but I was also extremely exhausted from everything and just fell asleep. Its morning now and she left the house. I can't find her and it looks like she packed some stuff of hers. Some jackets, her purse 2 pairs of shoes.
I called her parents, her friends, everyone she knows but they all havent seen her. Her friends told me all that they haven't had contact with her in the last week. Should I call the police now? Have some of you experienced something similar? I just dont know what to do. I have never felt this helpless.
EDIT: I called the police a couple minutes after the first people here told me to. The police responded and they took my story very seriously and said they will search for her immediately.
I told them a couple places she might be. I waited at home and distracted the children, saying that their mom took some time for herself. Her parents are at my house and play with the children, they are just as destroyed and unnerved as me.
They have found my wife an hour ago at the local park, 5 hours after they started searching for her. It didn't look like she was fleeing or in a hurry but just waiting, sitting on a bench.
They told me however that she was extremely hostile towards the police and punched an officer. She is now in a psychiatric clinic but im not allowed to meet her nor anyone else. Doctors are caring for her and will call me as soon as they know more.
Thanks for everyone that replied. Im extremely worried and im reading into all the mental illnesses you have posted. I just hope it is something they can cure quickly. I still feel like in a bad dream.
Before we give you OP's two insane (and upsetting) updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
mumriders writes:
it seems as though your wife is developing a mental condition that effects her ability to recognize people. this problem makes relationships feel unreal and often begins to show itself as a feeling that the people you know have been replaced.
it is treatable through therapy and probably some drugs, I'm no expert, but results are going to be different for each person.
look up the condition. send her the link or tell her about it. ask questions. its not that she needs to give you good answers but its important for her to be able to talk with you and share the burden. she is going to have big mood swings going from dwelling on how foreign you all are sometimes to how scared she is that she hurt the people she loves. back and forth.
back and forth. all the while, without treatment she will get worse and ultimately end up running away, spending her money and becoming homeless.
batgirlwonder writes:
OP your wife needs help, this sounds like either a mental illness (potentially manic depression, paranoid schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, or the much rarer Capgras delusion), possible drug induced psychosis, or potentially the effects of a traumatic brain injury.
Think back to when this started and see if you can think of any possible trigger, did she hit her head? Witness something traumatic? Were there any behavioural changes before these sudden ones? Try to think of anything that may have had some impact on your wife's mental health and wellbeing.
You need to call the police, report her as missing. Emphasise her sudden change in behaviour and that you think she's a danger to herself. Do not let them tell you that "she has to be missing 24/48/whatever-made-up-arbitrary-number of hours" before they can do anything.
That is not true, and if they refuse to investigate after you tell them all this and anything happens to her you could have legal recourse.
Please, please, please recognise that this is not you or your children's fault. It's likely not even your wife's fault. You say that she previously had depression but had been treated and doing well for years, but mental health doesn't quite work the same as physical health.
It's very very possible that her mental health has essentially "relapsed" and her depression has come back worse than before. It's also very possible it's another mental illness altogether.
Either way, she needs you and her family's support. It will be hard but she needs the intervention of a psychiatrist, even if that requires the involvement of the police and potentially having her committed. It will be in her best interests, so do not feel bad if you have to do these things, you are looking out for her and your family.
Listen to the advice people are giving here OP. I wish you and your family well and hope everything turns out okay for you. If its okay I think we would all appreciate an update due to how concerning your wife's behaviour is.
extratune8 writes:
My mom did the same stuff, when she started doing heroin. Not saying that she is, but definetly a possiblity. She is both bipolar and was a heroin addict for a long time.
She began to look at me and my brother as if we were strangers. Barley spent time with us. Would disappear a lot, and we wouldnt be able to find her for hours, sometimes days.
My only recommendation is to be there for your kids as much as possible. That's what my dad did. I guarantee your kids are scared, even if they dont act it.
Also, don't quite remember exactly what its called, but there is a form of mental illness which gives the sufferer a terrible feeling that someone she loves was replaced by an imposter. Its scary stuff.
And now, OP's major update:
A lot of people seem to care and I got a ton of encouraging messages, so I will post an update for you. We live in northern Europe, for those that asked.
Thanks for everyone that gave me their advice. A lot of you have assumed schizophrenia or the rare Capgras delusion. Some of you assumed she was cheating which is something I won’t even address.
Thinking about it, Capgras really fitted the symptoms but I couldn’t just accept that, still hoping she was somehow fg with us or that it was something mild and temporary and I just overreacted.
After they took her in, i drove to the mental institute to give an exact explanation of what happened in the last week. The psychiatrist assumed some sort of schizophrenia. They told me they will look after her and I should go home to my children. I felt like i was drunk the entire time, I couldn’t close a single eye at night.
The psychiatrist called me yesterday evening and asked me to come to her office. I left my children with their grandparents and drove for what it felt like an eternity.
She told me straight up that she strongly assumes that its Capgras. She never saw a case of Capgras before but it fits everything she gathered. She explained to me how the past 2 days went down.
My wife arrived there, being extremely hostile. She was put in a 'safe room' where she couldn't hurt herself. She calmed down after a couple of hours and the psychiatrist was able to talk to her.
The good news was, that she quickly opened up and explained to her what she thinks. She 'knows' that her family and most of her friends have been swapped by clones. She assumed that we, 'the clones', have sent police officers to get her and that she was scared of what we might do to her.
She flew in the first place because she felt that we might attack her but mostly to get some space. She still isn’t sure if the 'clones' are malicious or not. That explains why she was distrusting me and always searched for some signs in me and the kids.
My wife said that we act exactly like the real ones and how perfect our disguise was, but she knew that we aren’t real because she didn’t feel any love towards me or the kids or her own parents. Writing this down feels like a lance piercing through my chest.
She also told her how she was trying to hide her distrust of us, because she couldn't be sure if we know that she knows that we aren’t the real 'we'. Her delusion that we’ve been swapped came to her 1 day before I noticed it. 10 days ago.
She woke up, looked at me and knew that I wasn't the same anymore, not the real one. Same with the kids, her parents and her friends. She hadn’t had those thoughts before.
She asked the psychiatrist if she knows who swapped us or why it happened or if this happens often. She tried to avoid answering her question because she wasn’t sure how my wife would react if she gave in or took her out of her delusion.
My wife asked her when she can get out again, the psychiatrist asked her if she wants to get out and she answered that she’s ok being here. It gives her some comfort being with professionals and she now has time to think. It helps that my wife is a nurse and that she respects doctors a lot.
The psychiatrist explained to me, how they will try to slowly deconstruct her delusion and that it can take a short or a very long time until she fully recovers. She explained to me that it’s possible that she might never truly recover.
But the fact that she opened up about it and doesn’t necessarily feel scared is a good sign. Im still not allowed to see her as it could make her panic. She apperas to be completely clear of mind about everything else.
She knows names, dates, places, facts and everything she knew before. Only the thought that we aren’t the real ones is now a fact for her. Now I wait, till they have some good or bad news of how she develops.
Writing all of this down really helped me. I’m trying to wrap my head around this situation and im mostly scared for her and the children. I can’t hide how distressed I am and that my wife isn’t at home so I explained to them that she is in a mental hospital and she has to recover.
The 4yo doesn’t really understand but the other two took it surprisingly well. It helps that they heard all those morbid stories my wife told them from the hospital i guess. They asked me when they can see her and i told them that i dont know, but i hope it will be soon. I havent felt this empty and i dont know if i should be sad or angry.
Thanks to everyone here that helped me. I feel like im in a waiting room at the dentist. Its so surreal. I feel better knowing what the problem is, but worse not knowing when it ends.
And now, OP's final tragic update:
Hi you all. This will be the final update. Its been 3 months and i feel like i can give another update. Most if not all of you probably dont care or have forgot, but hey, if anyone wants to know.
I haven're responded to most private messages because I didn't feel good enough, talking about it. I still kinda don't. To address the elephant in the room: my wife is back with us. She is at home and well and she laughs about the whole incident. More than I do, to be honest but thats just me.
She immediately started her treatment at the mental health institute. At first, they kept her sealed off from me and the rest of her family and friends. They taught her relations and how the brain works and how to process love and affection and all stuff like that.
Meanwhile I was at home and biting my fingernails away, while explaining to everyone what is happening. Turns out that many people I know and thought highly of, dont believe in psychological damage and mental problems so that was fun talking about too.
Anyway this isnt really about me here. They somehow convinced her that she has a delusion. Appareantly she almost immediately believed them but said, she still doesnt feel anything towards us, even if she knows that its a delusion. Her trust in doctors and nurses made all of this so much simpler and im so grateful for this.
They worked with her more and let her first talk to her parents over the phone. She started gaining trust again and they kinda re-bonded. Later they allowed me to talk to her and I wasn't able to say a single word because i basically broke down in tears when i heard her saying or more like asking a simple "hello?".
She told me, it will be fine and she just needs some more time and that the doctors know what they are doing. I regained some strength and told her she should call whenever she wants to.
Later she talked to the kids and it really helped her. She laughed with them told them jokes about mental health and recollected some memories. Gradually, they let her meet her friends, then her parents, her siblings and finally me and the kids.
That was almost 5 weeks after she got turned in. When she saw me and the kids she started to cry too and kissed all of us. She said she was sorry but i assured her there is nothing to be sorry about.
They still kept her a couple of days for some final tests and let her finally go. She got back into work fairly quickly and we have the great relation that we had before all of this. The kids are happy, still dont 100% know what exactly happened. There are still some traces of distrust in herself.
She questions her feelings more often and glooms over stuff but all in all, everything turned out to be good. Also, it's still not 100% clear why it happened at all. She cant recall banging her head against anything or anything different.
It feels good writing this down. I wanted to thank everyone who answered and helped me on the initial post. Rhanks to the people that almost immediately diagnosed her and made me call the police.
I'm sorry that I didnt answer your private messages. I was quite busy and talking about the mental health of my wife feels weird and bitter to me. She knows about this post and about the last posts and sends her love too.