'Am I wrong for ultimately wanting a divorce even after my wife made more effort?' UPDATED 4X

When it's over, it's over. Sometimes it's as simple as that.

"Am I wrong for ultimately wanting a divorce even after my wife has showed much more effort into our relationship?"

For context. Coming into the new year I had no idea my wife had been at the bare minimum having an emotional affair with a coworker. On New Year’s Eve, before I found out about this she came home and acted extremely cold toward me and our kids. She was angry.

Earlier on that evening, she asked if she could go out to have 1 drink with a female coworker (whom I knew and trusted) I told her that was cool but that the kids were staying up for the ball drop so as long as she could be back to celebrate with them I was fine with it. Well. She ended up getting off of work at 11:30 and barely had enough time to get home. After the ball drop she cried and cried.

I asked her what was wrong and she said she got invited to a her friends house to have drinks with them. (All 3 of them women, all married, I had no issue) I said “look. I’m not sure what’s wrong and why you’re crying about this. That’s fine. You deserve a girls night out every once in a while I don’t mind watching the kids. Just go.” I put the kids to bed, she left and then about 3 hours later.

So 3AM. I tried to contact her. No answer. I wait about 15 minutes. Call her again. No answer. I call her friend who she’s supposed to be with. No answer. She then texts me back 5 minutes later and says “yeah. I’m still coming home tonight. We’re still drinking." Never in our 6 years of marriage had I felt a gut feeling that something else was going on but that night it all hit me.

I went through our phone records and found another number I was unfamiliar with that she had been in contact with all night. Ignoring my calls, texting that number in between. Etc. She had also been texting this number for a 3 month period daily. I never suspected that she would be texting another dude while right beside me watching family movies either. As times had shown.

How I didn’t see this I have no idea. Maybe she had this individual listed as mom in her phone. I don’t know. I had never gotten this vibe or feeling our entire marriage. I was blindsided by it. Anyway. I confront her about it through text with the proof like an idiot. She speeds home, deletes everything on her phone. No way of getting the back ups restored.

No way of ever knowing she did not meet up with this guy. Upon finding this out I immediately told her i wanted a divorce. It was at this point she began getting violent with me. Talking s**t about everything I had been doing to keep us financially stable. The 18 hour work days that kept a roof over our heads. She told me that I needed to leave even though I pay rent and both our kids are asleep.

I refused. We slept in separate rooms that night and the next day she tried to act like nothing even happened. Claiming that she remembered we’d fought but couldn’t remember what it was about. So I show her the phone records even though I’m positive she was just trying to pull some crap. She confesses who the individual was and says they flirted a lot but never met up.

I told her if that was true she’d have no issues restoring the text messages she deleted at which point it was confirmed she deleted everything and deleted her last back up. She also saved a back up after they were deleted the night everything went to s**t. Since then she’s tried hard to convince me they never did anything and never saw each other aside from work.

I keep finding bits and pieces of things that don’t make sense. Chunks of texts deleted from her friends messages around that time. Pictures on her Google drive from that night (where she was with who she said she was) deleted from her phone for what reason? The most damming evidence I have is for a two-hour period on New Year’s Eve.

They stopped texting each other then randomly started texting again at around 3 a.m. when I started calling and got that feeling. My gut tells me she left her friends place, went to his place and went back. Or. She went straight to his place from our place then went to her friends when she found out I was calling them.

There are revealing pictures of herself she never sent me also on her Google drive taken on Snapchat. She’s since given me her all her attention. She initiates intimacy 10 fold. The texting stopped. She shows me everything on her snap chat and even downloads her data to show me she’s not hitting other people up. I’m seeing the side of her I haven’t seen since we were married all those years ago.

But I can’t help but trust my gut in demanding a divorce. I feel like she’s kept things from me. Not knowing for sure is killing me inside. My parents know all of this and keep pressuring me to work it out and not dwell. My brothers are saying 'f**k that, get a divorce.' Am I wrong in getting a divorce?

Keep in mind the dates. It’s now been over four months since this occurred. I’m positive she cut the individual completely out. But I still can’t get over the not 100 percent knowing and my gut tells me she’s still lying.

Right after posting, OP shared an update with some clarifications.

Edit: If some of this is confusing ask and I will clarify. Sorry for the way this was written. I’m aware there is some jumping back and forth. Etc. I’m just scatterbrained right now. It’s honestly getting to me more now than the night I found out. It just keeps building. I feel stupid.

Forgot to add this the individual in question is an employee she manages. As in. She is his direct supervisor. I’ve heard there are greater legal consequences for this but I have no idea.

For clarification. The individual in question is actually morbidly obese. I’m by no means “fit” fit. But I’m not fat either.

I went back and looked at the time stamps for the pictures that were deleted of her and her friends that night. (On Google drive) before that two-hour period of no texting, during, and after there were several pictures taken with verified time stamps on them. As in they can not be changed on Google drive.

Whether or not she has a friend that’s tech savvy and was able to do that within the 10 minutes it took her to get home upon confronting I don’t know. Is this possible? It’s also worth adding I come from a family that has thoroughly convinced one of my cousins that she needs to stay in her marriage even when her husband became solely reliant on her, got addicted to c*ke.

Is still addicted to coke and physically ab*sed her. All because “by golly no one in this family has ever gotten a divorce” so essentially doing so I would get disowned by my parents, my sister, all my cousins, all my aunts all m uncles. But would still have the support of my 2 brothers.

OP soon shared yet another update on the first post.

UPDATE: Currently on morning break at work. Been reading through the comments. I have off tomorrow all day so I will be heavily weighing my options when I get some time to myself tomorrow. May not update tomorrow. But I’ll update ya’ll when I can. Thank you for all the input positive and negative.

The best thing I can do right now is just get through the work week. Get my kids from daycare and be mentally present for them. I’ve been ignoring her since last night and she’s been snapping and calling me all morning to see what’s wrong.

The comments were flowing in.

InevitableTrue7223 wrote:

Did she come home acting extremely cold or did she work until 11?

OP responded:

Silence. Our daughter ran up to her for a hug and she started crying. She then got really irritated when our daughter asked her for a drink. Something that still doesn’t sit right with me. She started yelling at her saying “mommy needs some f**king space.” When I tell ya’ll there was literally no sign of all this crap until that. She hid everything extremely well.

Also. For everyone saying what they are about the 2 hour period. Yes. That was my thought. I went back through the Google drive at everything that was removed from her phone. There were pictures and selfies taken with her friends at the place she was “supposed to be” during that time period before it and after it.

I doubt she’s tech savvy enough to edit time stamps on Google drive once everything’s backed up. This isn’t to say they never met up. This isn’t to say she doesn’t know how to do that. And it still doesn’t make a difference with everything she did. Like I said. Weighing options tomorrow. Reaching out to a lawyer tomorrow.

Thuggothic wrote:

She cheated and she still has Snapchat?

And still works with the guy?

That ain't good bro.

Grimwohl wrote:

That's the thing, though. No one here, including herself, is stupid enough to believe she didn't cheat. The only defense she has is that she consciously deleted their evidence, so he would have to take her word for it.

The saying they only flirted is the beginning of a trickle truth. Basically, she will only admit what could be proven. Ironically, she is dooming her marriage by not giving full disclosure. It confirms to OP that as long as she can lie or at least deceive to her benefit, she will.

She won't own her mistakes or come forward with her wrongdoing with intent to make it right. She has to be cornered and caught for him to ger anything a good partner would willingly volunteer. Just make peace with the fact that getting the truth will be harder than getting a divorce because she has to be willing to participate in the former. But not the latter.

Honestly, you should show her this post and the comments. If not, feel free to tell her this. OPs wife - The first nail in the coffin of your marriage was you blatantly obvious cheating. The second was pretending OP was stupid enough to buy the least impactful lie you could get away with.

All you've done is proven that he shouldn't trust you going forward.

You can f**k him 10x a day and make his favorite meals all you want, but there are a million women out there who would do the same without cheating on him.

The least you can do is show you respect him a little bit by saying the truth.

You are not unique. You are not even the 1000th cheating a*s mf who thinks inability to prove guilt counts as absolution from it. He doesn't have to stay with you, and he won't.

Start giving him reasons to think you're worth a damn and he might. The fact that he's on the fence says there's actually a path back, but you are not currently walking it by forcing the lamest, most obvious lie down his throat. I won't say I know what it is, but it isn't blatant lies and pretending everything's fine. Change tactics.

Legitimate_Pay_5494 wrote:

I'm sorry but once the trust has died, so has the relationship. You will never feel safe with her again.

A few days later, OP shared another update post.

My wife had an emotional affair at the bare minimum and may have cheated. (Probably did but will never admit it). Here is the update: I sit here typing this out on my morning break while listening Tuesday’s gone by Lynyrd Skynyrd.

After a long day of considering my options on Friday I sat my wife down on Friday evening when she got off work and I had out the kids to bed. As soon as I brought up that my trust in her was completely gone she immediately became argumentative and essentially stated “I thought we had left this in the past.

You never trusted me did you? I responded with: even if you didn’t do anything physical or met up with him outside of work, you’ll never let me see those text messages. You’ll never pull the snap chat data. She responded with: you’re right!! Marriage is based off trust and if you don’t trust me then maybe we ought to call it quits.”

The irony in this is that I worked 18-19 hour days for the past few years barely being able to do anything I wanted to do in my life because I was supporting our children, getting them to bed, cleaning the house all the time, doing all the cooking, barely even getting enough sleep. Probably took years off my life just from the stress.

She on New Year’s Eve said f*ck the kids, f*k you, and essentially went out to party with her friends all the while ignoring calls from me and our daughter asking where she was while also responding to her bare minimum emotional affair partner. Not getting into all the details so as to not repeat myself between this and the update.

Long story short. In my state we have to be separated for a year before a divorce can be finalized. When I agreed with her that we should start separating and that I had already been in contact with a lawyer she freaked the fuck out on me. She begged me not to go through with it. But alas. Next Friday I will be dropping her off at her parents' a few hours away.

The kids will be staying with me for now with the help of one of my brothers. I told her there was only one way I would put this off for now. That was pull the data, pull the texts. Prove your case. She looked down at the ground. One more time. And told me that’s a violation of her privacy. We haven’t spoken since. For now, for my kids. I gotta keep on keeping on.

Update: trickle truth. First it was a guy in a different state. Second it was a coworker, third it was someone underneath her. that she supervises fourth and just now - Randomly got a text from her stating she may have told him she loves him. But instantly regretted it. And that’s it.”

“Riiiiiiggght” - Dr. Evil. Also let me reiterate: the process of separation starts this coming Friday. In my state you cannot divorce immediately. It takes a full year. (I say this because of all the people stating “just divorce and be done with it, and also those stating “stop giving second chances.”

The internet had a lot to say in response.

Scruffersdad wrote:

OP, you do realize that your attorney can subpoena her phone records and texts, right? If you believe there was cheating have your lawyer get all those messages. Then you’ll know and she’ll be out of luck.

OP responded:

Definitely going to happen. I’ve already been in contact with one and in the state I live in if there was infidelity she essentially loses any choice in the matter of where the kids stay.

tab1234566788 wrote:

Oh gosh I'm so sorry. I've been in a similar situation, he wouldn't show me the texts. Spent about a half hour clearing then and then let me see his phone. Lol.

OP responded:

For me it’s pretty black and white. I’m 99.99999 percent sure she physically cheated. I’d love to just believe her and move on but I can’t. Not only did she delete all texts between them. She deleted all texts from multiple friends and coworkers from that same time as well.

But left the ones from prior and after. As far as I’m concerned her friends were in on it and so was anyone else she deleted texts from.

notgretbutmaybe wrote:

She knows she can’t show you the texts because they prove her affair and how far it went, by not showing you what was being said between them is all the information you need. It was so incriminating she couldn’t bear to show you them. You did the right thing, she failed the marriage test and you need to move on and find someone that respects you, sorry you’re going through this. Good luck going forward.

garaks_taylor wrote:

When he drops her off at the parents he should definitely mention to the father in law that she can come back and they can out a stop to the process of sh just hands over the messages. Enough people don't get it so I'll spell it out. It is a lie. A ruuuuase. A bamboozle if you would.

A psychological tactics to turn her parents and her family against her. Because it is Highly unlikely she would ever mention the texts in any context to her parents or family as it plainly makes her look guilty. Even if the parents don't believe she cheated they will become incredibly annoyed by her actions. Best case scenario she turns over the texts confirming cheating and the divorce becomes crazy easy.

A month later, OP shared another update.

Long story short I found out my wife had been having an affair on New Year’s Eve as Ali sat at home with our children. After ignoring calls from not only me but our daughter asking where she was I went through our phone records to see that while she ignored our calls she was accepting calls and texting another number quite frequently.

(For the record it was the first time in over 12 years of being together that I’d ever gotten a gut feeling to do so) never checked them prior to that night. Called the friends who she was supposed to be with and they ignored my calls as well. After confronting her through text at around 4 or 5 a.m. she was home within 5 minutes screaming at me and yelling at me as I tried to sleep.

Got blamed for everything even though I’d been loyal and the financial bread winner our entire marriage. She ended up gaslighting me and trickle truthing as I tried to keep things together for our children. I’ll spare you all the details as they can be found in previous update and original post.

Fast forward to today: I filed for divorce against my family's wishes. (Whole other story also answered in previous update) We are seperated but the divorce can’t be finalized until next year. (1 year of being seperated is required) She begged and begged for me not to go through with it begged me to stay. Not to toss everything out over “1 little mistake”

Funny how she sees infidelity as “a mistake” that lasted 3 months….yeah. Regardless. I’ve spent a lot of time with my kids. She sees them on weekends if she chooses. (Has only been a couple of times) I’d love to say that I’m over it all. But I’m still healing. I really did love her and I wish things worked out different. But I can never trust her again.

She tried everything she could s#xually to get me to stay. Hell, the day she finally confessed everything I came home to her dressed up like never before ready to go. I declined. She went as far as offering me head every day for the rest of our lives if I stayed.

I’ve been working and taking care of the kids. It’s harder on them than it is me if i’m being honest. They still don’t understand. I’ve just been telling them mommy has some things she’s “working on” I don’t have the heart to tell them we won’t be a functional household anymore at this time.

Also. My parents haven’t one time talked to reached out to me since I told them I was filing for divorce. Not even to check on my kids or anything. But I’ve been making this work with the help of my brother and a few good friends. A few girlfriends from the past have hit me up to see if I want to catch up but. I need to focus on myself and my kids.

The internet was fully invested in the update.

TaiwanBandit wrote:

She is a t*xic and now desperate woman trying to resurrect the house and financial security she burned to the ground. Thankfully you have family and friends to help out. Start to look forward to a life without her in it full time. Appears she doesn't even miss the kids. She is pathetic.

Better to let the kids know in an age-appropriate way mommy and daddy will no longer be together. Stay the course OP. Count down the one-year requirement. You are not wrong.

Goat_Jazzlike wrote:

Not wrong. She did not "accidentally " fall on another man's d*ck for 3 months. Heal your heart and don't completely close the door on the ex-gfs who want to help you heal.

MrOceanBear wrote:

Did you like make some big social media announcement about the separation or something? The ex GFs thing is the first weird part of this story I've seen and I've been following since the beginning . Anyway good luck with your weird extended family, hope they can get over you divorcing. Her not showing up for her kids is pretty wild. Hope she can get her s#$t together for their sakes.

broken_soul96 wrote:

Could've been stalking his social media and if he changed his profile pic or relationship status that's enough for some people to give it a go. My fiancee changed her's from one of us on Christmas to one of just her and she got messages from guys within a few hours.

GrubDibbleCuthbert wrote:

And revealed her true opinion of men when she offered to give head every day. We're capable of deep and abiding love for our children and our partners, we're not all swayed by shallow used goods.

Yiayiamary wrote:

Granny hugs to you and your children. You Styx is a POS! Shame on your parents. They barely qualify as such. Let’s not even talk about the kind of grandparents they are. Wishing you and your children well.