'AITA for agreeing to split the bill on a double date ending in my best friend being dumped?' Updated 3X
"AITA for agreeing to split the bill on a double date ending in my best friend being dumped?"
OkDream6816
Hi! I (22f) am really unsure here. My best friend and roommate (22f) Amiee had been seeing a guy for two months. She really likes him, it seemed to be going super well.
Last night, she asked if I’d go along with a blind double date (ie. her and the guy she’s dating, me and one of his friends who is single and looking). I wasn’t keen at first but she insisted, so I agreed.
We got to the restaurant, just a nice place in our area, and things seemed to be going fine. The friend she was “setting me up with” was cool, but I really am not looking right now and didn’t feel any kind of spark.
We get to the end of dinner and the bill comes. Aimee chimes in and says “don’t worry, our men have got this” to which I say back, “ah, no I don’t mind”. We’d had two cocktails each (all four of us) and it wasn’t a crazy expensive place but not cheap.
A bit of back and forth happened, Aimee kept insisting it is always the gentlemen who pay, so I said something like, “you do you, I’m happy to split”. The guys were saying they would cover but both seemed uncomfortable. They paid, then we all left. Aimee and her boyfriend went back to his, I said good night to his friend and went home alone.
Later, Aimee texted saying her man is now contemplating the relationship because he doesn’t want someone who always insists the men pay. She told me I ruined it by offering to split and should’ve sided with her, and not made things worse. She’s now saying he needs time and might not want to continue the relationship with her. AITA for this?
Update:
OkDream6816
Thanks so much everyone for your thoughts on this one. Aimee still isn’t talking to me, you could cut glass with the tension in our place right now. She and the guy aren’t talking either.
I’m trying hard here, but another week and maybe the friendship has run its course, honestly. Sensing a lot more underlying issues that can only come from communication, but hey.
Update 2:
OkDream6816
I’m now not a girls girl because I didn’t back her, without being told I should or given any kind of heads up. I responded that if I want to pay for myself (especially because I didn’t see myself and the blind date friend having a second date) was happy to put in for my portion. Friendship is effectively over, and I am looking to move out.
Update 3:
OkDream6816
Final update; Aimee is now trying to apologise because she can’t afford the rent on her own or get someone else to move in on such short notice. I feel horrible but know I need to be around supportive people, thanks again to everyone :)
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
elsie78
NTA. She's the one that said the guys pay. His reaction to that is based on her statement alone. And "our men"? Ummmm no, this was the first time you'd met your date.
The OP responded here:
OkDream6816
I’m thinking because both the guys are tight, she thought me and the friend would hit it off, making it a thing. Therefore they would be our men.
UltraNemesis
I don't think that your so-called friend is a nice person or even a friend given how quickly she was ready to blame you for something that was her own fault.
Peony-Pony
NTA I squirmed a little when I read "don’t worry, our men have got this” and "it is always the gentlemen who pay". Your friend has some very outdated views about dating. All you did was offer to pay your share of the bill on a blind date.
You weren't using a stranger for free drinks and dinner. Your friend's boyfriend of two whole months was, rightfully, uncomfortable with her insistence your male companions pay the bill. It's not your fault your friend opened her mouth and inserted her foot in to it.
The OP again responded:
OkDream6816
Thanks. She’s never usually like this, doesn’t make guys pay for drinks if we go out. I’m thinking she’s acting this way because of her new relationship, but I don’t know for sure, since she still isn’t talking to me or even replying.
Illustrious_Sign_960
NTA. You were being reasonable and fair by offering to split the bill, and it's not your fault if Aimee's boyfriend is contemplating the relationship because of her insistence on traditional gender roles. It's not your responsibility to manage Aimee's relationship or her partner's expectations. You were just trying to be considerate and respectful by offering to split the bill.
Don't let Aimee guilt trip you into thinking you're the reason for their relationship issues! Did Aimee's boyfriend use your offer to split the bill as an excuse to reevaluate the relationship because of deeper issues?
kiwihoney
NTA. Tell your friend to look in the mirror. She created this problem herself. You didn’t cause her to have those opinions, and you certainly didn’t ask her to voice them. That she doubled down on it when you said you still wanted to pay your own way was her own fatal mistake.
She needs to own her actions. Vocalising her outdated ideas created a situation 100% of her own making. Your friend is looking for someone to blame for her BF not liking her antiquated and frankly unfair views on how relationships should work. You just happen to be an easy target for her. Don’t give it another thought. You have every right to pay your own way.
BellyButtonFungus
Like, as a man, I always offer to pay. It’s just an ingrained thing. But it’s an OFFER. An OFFER I MAKE. The minute it becomes the expected outcome, I get iffy. I’m a generous person who loves to shout meals for people, but I’m not a chump who is just going to always eat the bill because someone expects it.
The minute someone EXPECTS me to pay for them with no prior mention of it, that’s a red flag for me. If I offer first, and they accept, all good. Green flag. But if they just look at me and say “you’ve got the bill yeah?”, no, I suddenly don’t got the bill.
Marine_olive76
Aimee is... quite a friend (and roommate).
Her trying to apologize due to rent really tickled me. It must hurts so much when someone refuses to cover your butt.