Woman infuriates husband when he finds out about her 'secret inheritance,' 'Why would I tell you?! You're financially abusive!' AITA? UPDATED 3X
When this wife shares the odd saga of her inheritance, she asks the internet:
"I inherited money and didn't tell my husband. AITA?"
My partner 31M and I 25F are having our second child and he hasn't been working due to an in-work injury so for the last 2 going on 3 months it's been very stressful for us.
My paternal aunt gave me half of what she got from selling my grandma's house, her mother. She inherited it last year due to my grandmother passing away and she's spent 6 months getting my moochers of a father and brother out of the house and fixing it up.
We haven't spoken since the funeral and last week she called to meet for lunch and when I went she handed me a check worth over 200k.
I didn't understand but she said my grandma thought of me as a daughter and I was the only one other than her that took care of her and my grandpa and while they didn't have the money to give me she sold the house and after talking to her husband decided I deserved half of it.
My hormones were everywhere and she had to help me calm down because we were in so much debt I felt so thankful. She told me she wasn't giving anything to anyone else and would prefer for me not to tell anyone so I didn't.
I put it in my account and once it cleared I began slowly paying off my husband's and my debt.
I paid people back that had loaned us money, cleared our credit cards, paid our car off, put 10k in our daughter's savings account, and plan to make one for our second child when it's born. I didn't tell my husband because we have separate finances and have since we got together.
He doesn't even know what our debts were or how far behind we were so I didn't think he would notice but he watches his credit and when he says that it went up and that I had received a letter from my community College that my debt was paid he asked me.
I told him my aunt gave me money but not how much and he tried accessing my bank account when he couldn't get in he took my debit card without me knowing and went to an atm and saw the balance.
He yelled at me for hiding it. I told him it doesn't matter because we were no longer in debt and we could finish our degrees. He walked out and hasn't spoken to me in 3 days.
I requested a new debit card and changed my information regarding my account because now I don't trust him not to try to buy something. I admit I should have told him but it's not like he knows how much money I make from my job. I don't know what to do. AITA?
Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
fragg3 writes:
Oh gosh. This is so upsetting. This guy treats you terribly, puts you in massive debt, and despite treating you terribly for having a kid, refuses to gets snipped to prevent more.
Then he has the audacity to yell at you for paying off his debts. You understand he wants full access to the money so he can put you back in the same level of debt?
You’ll be 100k back in debt because of him within months. He now feels “oh she has tons of money now. She can pay off whatever I rack up.” And he will continue to tank your credit score because he’ll do it all under your name. After all, you’ve already trained him to do so without consequence.
You’re destroying your life and your children’s lives. When he can’t open up cards in his own name anymore, he’ll put them in your kids’ names. They’re have ranked credit before they’re old enough to actually open their own bank accounts.
They’re going to grow up poor and in debt, lacking in everything, seeing their mother treated like crap. And they will follow that model - they’ll end up with people who treat them poorly and abuse them financially. Stop setting your kids up for failure!
Him having your pins is just insanely foolish after everything that has happened. You can love someone and still have boundaries because you need to protect yourself and your kids. You can even love someone and realize that they’ll always destroy your life and shouldn’t be in it.
Your husband will never stop ruining your life. You’re young enough that you’re not feeling the full effects of his ruinous potential, but you will. And your kids will grow up feeling it.
Shore34 writes:
Why on earth would you stay with someone who has already 1) stolen your identity, and 2) maxed out credit cards in your name? He has proven over and over that he can’t be trusted with money. He can’t be trusted to parent solo because he prefers to play video games.
He refused to get a vasectomy even though neither of you wanted more children. Even now he does not pay a dime for you or your children’s expenses. After all of that, he stole your debit card to see how much you inherited.
How much did he take out when he checked the balance? The max ATM withdrawal you can make without having to present ID?
Your life would be so much better in so many ways without him dragging you down. Leave before he ruins your children’s credit scores.
You have three children, and your life will be so much easier and lighter if you don’t have to tiptoe around your husband or worry that he will steal all of the money you are using to keep you and your kids afloat.
sewqqqiut writes:
You did everything right in my book. You took that money and paid off both of your debts. And he's mad why cuz u didn't tell him why cuz he wants to spend it? what would be the reason? I get him being mad that you didn't tell him but on the other hand, ppl just don't do that for no reason.
Honestly, if I was in your shoes with my guy's gambling I wouldn't tell him either so there has to be a reason. And honestly, we have shared finances and I'm slowly separating them. I would never in my life share anything with another man in my life. Keep yours and I'll keep mine, and we can share.
We can split bills or whatever but I'll never let another person in my finances again. I'll show you if you want to see cuz idgaf but as far as having access no. And I don't want his. It causes way too much drama in my opinion. Why u spending this why are you spending. No, mind ya business as long as all the bills are paid I can care less.
pubamphib writes:
I know it's hard when you love someone and have invested so much into a relationship but op you are just feeding a forest fire more prairie grass. You are lucky he has asked for separate finances and this is a way for you to store the money in a separate account and keep it safe.
As well as taking your name off all the credit cards he put under both of you. I know he's your husband but he has been treating you terribly and you don't owe him anything especially paying off HIS debt.
He is toxic and is a walking red flag. In the end it will be better for your child and soon to be second child that you leave this unstable marriage. You have the money to do so. It doesn't sound like he's going to change and if anything treat you poorly again for this second pregnancy.
I recommend quietly hiring a lawyer who can help you with your options but don't make anything known until everything is already done and set because he will try and guilt trip you and gaslight you to stay.
This is unhealthy. Leaving doesn't set a bad example if anything you staying and dealing with his toxic behavior is a bad example for your kids.
They won't know how to stand up for themselves or know their worth if they just see you babying a third "child" basically by taking care of all his needs financially and it seems like with house work as well.
You will just let him step all over the kids too if you stay. If the biggest wedge in you deciding to leave or stay is the kids like i said above its better to leave.
fancqqq writes:
Sue his fg sister if possible!!! She poked holes in your condoms because she argued with her brother and now you’re the one stuck with consequences and taking care of that fg man child???!
Sounds like his whole family is fucked up and like you need to split before he affects your life worse than he and his family already have. You have to focus on your two children now. It’s not about him anymore.
He can’t even bother to help you through it or have some fg decency as a human to respect that you’re pregnant and lost a family member, and he can’t respect that a 25 year old woman is taking care of his 31 year old self.
He sounds like a loser regardless of how much you love him he needs some counseling.
If he’s not willing to get help and change his ways then he’s not a worthy partner in this life and life is too fg hard and short to allow yourself to be a doormat. Not mention the level of hypocrisy and control he’s exercising by saying he wants separate money but he takes yours 24/7 and uses your NAME to create debt.
And now, OP's first update:
He doesn't like my family at all. I met him when I was a kid because he was my older brother's best friend. Things changed when we got together when I was 19 and they don't speak anymore. He avoids anything to do with my family.
Most of our relationship is great. We agreed to have 1 kid because I dreamed of being a mom. But during the pregnancy, he treated me like crap, and even after our daughter was born he continuously made me feel like a bad mom for asking him for help when I was exhausted and he just wanted to play games or drink.
He only started helping and being supportive after being separated for a few months and us getting counseling.
He and my daughter both have my last name. I wanted joint finances when we got married and he didn't. I was only in debt of 5k from my college at the time and he had some but he told me he had it covered. Which I found out he did not.
What I meant about him not knowing how much in debt we were is that he'd open credit cards in both our names and Max them out and then when he couldn't use them anymore he'd apply for more.
I did not know this until hiring a firm to help get my credit up. They told me I could press charges or pay them off. I wanted to pay it off because he's my husband and even if he put us in debt I do love him.
We didn't want more children. He got into a fight with his sister and she did something she shouldn't have but he also refused to get snipped. We didn't find out I was pregnant until it was too late for another option.
We moved in with my mom to help us get things back on track and he got hurt at work yes I believe he is depressed but he's also blown all the money he had saved on video games, liquor, and pot.
He didn't spend a dime on any of the debt he caused or for our daughter. He makes more than I do but with the way he spends his money, it's like we live on 1 income.
Do I trust him? Yes, I do in almost every way I can except for money and he's proven that again and again. I also have been giving him small portions of the money so he can still go and do things he wants to do. It's not like I'm just hoarding it away from him. I just didn't tell him that it wasn't from my paychecks like he assumed.
He has the pens to my debit card. Because while I didn't tell him about the money. I do let him use it when he needs to.
nefariousy45 writes:
Lock your credit NOW. Stop letting him open credit cards in your name! That's fraud and he knows it. It's abusive and will only get worse.
You have a once-in-a-lifetime windfall and you use it to benefit him and your household. He gets pissed and runs off in a snit. If he had received this windfall instead of you, do you think you would ever have seen one red cent of it? NOPE NOPE NOPE.
This is not, and will never be, a functional adult man. I'm sorry that you love him, because he's going to make your life hell. He does not love you the same way you love him. He does not share your ideals.
He lies to you about major things (debt). He prioritizes his drugs and gaming over you, his wife and daughter. Please take a good look at this jerk and think about what your life will be in ten years, in twenty years. You can do better.
OP's second update:
I've tried multiple different birth controls and the side effects make it difficult. However, my doctor and I have decided to tie my tubes because I've had multiple miscarriages and high risk pregnancies.
I didn't plan to have any more kids, but his sister poked holes in our condoms and by the time we found out I was pregnant we couldn't get an abortion in our state due to being past 6 weeks.
His sister ruined that for us by poking hole in them after they got into an argument. I didn't react well to birth control and cause of my age a doctor won't make it more permanent.
Not at all he didn't want more kids either but refuses to get snipped. It took me going to 4 different doctors to find someone that would do it.
Asked if they're still in contact with the SIL: No we cut contact when we discovered I was pregnant. We told his family and she just laughed and threw it in our faces that she had the upper hand. We haven't spoke to her since we found out 6 months ago.
OP's 3rd udpate, 3 days later:
I'm not sure if this is how you update but I figured I would go ahead and try. If you're watching my post thanks for the advice and even if some of the comments weren't that nice I'm still thankful. Over the last 3 days, I've spoken to my mom and my in-laws.
My husband reached out to her that he didn't want to be with me anymore but it wasn't because of the money it was because he felt forced to get married and have a baby and even though we got pregnant with the second one because of his sister he still blames me.
6 years together and felt like he refused to talk about it. Even when we were in counseling. I asked his mom what he wanted to do because he wasn't answering my phone calls or messages and she said she sent him money for a plane ticket so he could go to her.
I am heartbroken that she didn't tell him to try harder for his kids. After all his dad left him and his siblings. but I can't force him to stay and I have to think about them right now.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I spoke to a lawyer my friend used for his divorce yesterday and he's going to help me draw up a divorce plan. He said my husband can go after the money but he doesn't think he will.
I'm filing for full custody and will be asking for a minimum in child support unless he wants to sign his rights over. I'm done being stupid and thinking he would grow up. I packed his things and hired a moving company to take them to his mom's house so all his stuff will be gone in a few days too.
My first clue he didn't want our daughter was that she was not even crying asking where he is. She's just running around with me and my mom. I did send him a little bit of money for his travels and told his mom I'll send the divorce papers as soon as I get them.
She just told me okay and hung up. So that's what's been happening the last few days. Haven't spoken to my soon-to-be ex-husband and I am now fully on my own since I was 19. I'm hoping everything goes good! Hopefully I don't have to update again.
Hey guys, I thought I wouldn't update again, but I figured I could just give a final update to everything. My almost fully divorced husband signed the papers my lawyer sent him, not the divorce papers but I guess papers to him agreeing to what I wanted and all he asked for was $2,000 so he could get his own car.
He agreed to pay child support for our daughter and our now newborn son, who was born Saturday night. No one in his family asked for pictures or even his name, so I decided to block everyone I could find because they had no right to see him or my daughter.
He agreed to give me full custody and told my lawyer he didn't want visitation or anything. I did move money to my newborns savings account, and I am making sure my name is off of the credit cards I paid off for him just in case he decides to use them again I won't be tied to it.
My mom is the only person outside of my aunt and my husband who knows about the money, and as soon as I can go back to work, I plan on using some of it for a down payment to a house.
My lawyer is going to help make sure my husband won't be able to have anything to do with it. If I have to wait longer, I will, but at the moment, that's my plan.
My daughter is so in love with her brother, and my mom is helping me the way I wished he would've helped. The rest of my money I have put in a separate account for emergencies. I'm also reached out to my advisors at my college, and I'm planning to start school again in August.
I only had 1 year to finish, but I had my daughter and wasn't able to go back, so I'm hoping everything works out. My lawyer said it could take a few months for this to be finished but he said since my husband isn't fighting or changing anything that we wanted it shouldn't be over a year.
Also I forgot, the money wasn't technically an inheritance. My aunt gave it to me and wrote it off as a gift. It was her inheritance not mine. She just felt like I deserved it for caring for my grandpa and grandma. So in the US if he wanted to fight for it he legally could get half.