Stay-at-home brother accuses parents of prioritizing med school sister; 'you think I'm worthless.' AITA?
"AITA for supporting my daughter financially and not my son?"
towinglifebehind
My daughter (26F) is finishing up med school and is in the end of her 3rd year. My wife and I have good jobs and we saved aggressively for my children’s education however only my daughter has made full use of it.
My son and daughter both had 529s that would pay for most of undergrad. We have covered her living expenses as she can’t work while studying and we don’t want her accumulating more debt.
My son(23M) did a year of college, failed 3 of his 5 classes and found it difficult to adjust so he dropped out. Since then he has been living with us and working part time.
Originally he lived with us without working but then my wife and I put our foot down and refused to pay for anything for him and he got a part time job (3 days a week at a local restaurant) so he could pay for his hobbies.
The problem is he doesn’t seem to want to move out and work full time. We don’t think it’s depression but there isn’t really any other explanation to why he isn’t eager to begin his own life.
He has began to make angry remarks towards his sister. Saying she is going to die alone because all she knows how to do is study and she thinks she’s all that because she is going to be a doctor but it doesn’t mean much and similar things.
He and his sister were never close but they seem to get along before this point. She hasn’t been home is over 2 years and they haven’t interacted recently so I have no idea where this is coming from. Recently he overheard my wife and I discussing downsizing our house.
Once the interest rate goes down we plan to move to a duplex or townhouse from our house to help pay for the last year of his sister’s expenses. It’s not the only reason and we aren’t only going into debt to help her.
We just want to downsize because the house we have is too big for our needs and hopefully when my son leaves my wife and I will move to part time work and will retire. And of course the equity is helpful in helping pay for my daughter’s last year as she studies in a HCOL area.
My son yelled at us that we were prioritizing his sister over him and forcing him to move with us when we downsize. We explained this was the plan from the beginning and we have been telling him we are going to retire at some point and selling the house so he can’t say it was a surprise.
He accused us of only wanting to do it to help his sister and why do we want to help her with schooling when she is just going to marry and stay at home with children and waste all her years of going to school.
And that we were giving her so much money for covering her living expenses when we have refused to pay for anything for him. Then he locked himself in his room. I have zero idea where all this is coming from.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
solo_throwaway254247
Was your son always this misogynistic or has he recently gotten into redpill content? Stick to your plans. Your son's failing his uni classes and his lack of ambition is not your fault. Seems like he's laying the groundwork to guilt trip you into letting him mooch off you for the rest of his life.
Pay no mind to the manipulative bs he's spewing and proceed with your plans. NTA. But son is. Question: If son decides he wants to give school another shot, what's the plan?
Mustng1966
NTA - Your daughter deserves your support as she is actually making proper use of your time and money, you who has become just a lazy sponge only deserves a swift boot to the behind out of your house and it looks like you are doing that.
This is a prime example of sour grapes. Maybe if he actually applied himself like his sister is doing, you would support him in that way as well. But he hasn't so nothing. Tell him all this. There is no free here, bub.
ironchef8000
NTA. As much as I tend to agree with the others who say your son needs to get booted out to learn motivation, I also cannot help but suspect the depression suggestion is accurate. Or an anxiety disorder. Does he have a therapist? Getting to the root of a real problem would be beneficial for everyone.
Petefriend86
NTA. Frankly, you've been financially supporting your son for a bit too long.
Active-Anteater1884
INFO: So, I'm concerned. Yes, your son is behaving terribly. But I'm imagining a scenario where you son always planned to go to college, found he couldn't cut it, and is now just ... stuck. Have you and your wife spoken with him about career paths that may align with his natural capabilities and or/interests?
I mean, a kid who can't wrap his head around philosophy or Calc 101 might be brilliant and HVAC installation and repair, and make a very good living in that or another type of trade. I feel like he needs some guidance to get unstuck, and I hope you two are providing it. Best of luck.
I_am_wood_dog
NTA. You need to kick your son out of your house into a full time job. Maybe help him with a few months of rent and living expenses and teach him that he needs to learn how to support himself. I have a feeling that you and your wife are enabling him to be who he is. This needs to stop.