'My best friend's fiance tried to kiss me. I really don’t know what to do.' MAJOR UPDATE

Doing the right thing isn't always easy, which is why it's the right thing, not the easy thing.

"My best friend's fiance tried to kiss me. I really don’t know what to do."

Basically my title and I feel so s#$t about it all.

So the other day I was at my best friend's place. While we were there, she received an urgent phone call from her son's school and had to step into the next room to take it. I was left alone in the living room, and that's when things took a strange turn.

Her fiancé, who I've known well and have always been on good terms with, came into the room and started chatting with me. Initially, everything seemed normal, but then he sat uncomfortably close to me. Despite feeling a bit weirded out, I tried to brush it off. However, as we continued talking, he suddenly leaned in attempting to kiss me.

Shocked, I immediately stood up and asked, "What are you doing?!" He didn't really respond, and I just grabbed my things and left. About an hour later, my friend texted me, concerned because she returned to find me gone without any explanation. I told her I was fine, but honestly, I'm far from it. I haven't told her what happened, and now I'm torn about what to do next.

Should I tell her what her fiancé did? I'm worried about damaging their relationship or her thinking I'm lying. I value our friendship deeply and don't want to lose it, but I also feel like she should know the truth about what happened. Any advice on how to handle this situation would be greatly appreciated.

The internet had a lot of opinions about this quandary.

Forsaken_Woodpecker1 wrote:

You need to not think of this as you damaging their relationship. You're not the one who made a choice here, he did. Reframe the moment for some perspective. If he'd threatened you with physical vi*lence, would you think that it's important to let her know who she's marrying?

If he'd leaned in and said "ya know, I'm thinking about stealing some money from my employer," would you think that this would be information that she needed to know?

But because it was a s#xual proposition...it's somehow something that needs to be hidden? If you love your friend, love her enough to be selfless and risk the friendship. Love her enough to jeopardize the friendship for her.

If you do say something, you'll want to prep her by not just blurting it out. "Friend, I'm so scared to say this, but I love you so much that I have to take this chance and risk our friendship....if something happened, if Fiance said or did something that I think would be bad for you to hear, what's the best way I could tell you?"

Obviously if she wants to know the truth without hesitation, she'll answer without hesitation. If she already knows that issues exist, she'll have a very different answer. She might surprise you and already know the nature of your situation.

But if she gets angry with you, interrupt her and tell her that you will not be spoken to this way, and that because you value her and her friendship, that you will always be here if she needs you, even years down the road, but you're done and you've satisfied your sense of morality, bye.

OP responded:

Thank you for this.

DolphinBerry wrote:

Sigh you need to tell her but sadly this is likely to end in a shoot the messenger scenario.. be prepared for the inevitable fallout. He’s going to lie and make you look like the jealous friend. Is this the first time this has happened? Do you have receipts of other times?

If not, consider this the ultimate sacrifice for your best friend, the sacrifice likely being your friendship when you tell her. It may circle round again when she inevitable comes to see the truth, but initially it’s going to be hard.

So sorry you were put in this situation. He is a total scumbag.

soulfullylost wrote:

I'm sorry that happened to you. Ultimately the decision is up to you but I think you should absolutely tell her. Their relationship is already damaged due to her fiance being an immoral creep. If he's doing that to you in their home, he's undoubtedly doing similar things outside their home.

The decision to stay with/leave him will be hers but you'll know you've done your part. There's also a chance that she may cut you off instead of cutting him loose. It'll hurt at first, but you'll know where you stand and you'll have done the right thing. Edit: Grammar

tinyahjumma wrote:

I am so sorry this happened. I am proud of you for protecting your own integrity and sense of self respect.

The next day, OP shared an update.

Before I start, I honestly dunno why I am making this post but I guess I am too upset and don’t have anyone to talk to about this in real life and writing down my thoughts here when I know someone will see and maybe validate helps a bit. So I couldn’t sleep all night last night and this morning decided to tell her what happened, cos yes it's the right thing to do.

I can’t keep this away from her for several reasons. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to go to her place or spend time with them with her fiance. She asked me 2 months ago to be her bridesmaid, after this yes that it out of the window too. So after thinking all those things through I knew I didn’t have any other choice other than to tell her whatever the consequences of that maybe. And yes it didn’t go well.

She accused me of lying, of being jealous of her that she is finally happy and ended the conversation with “I don’t think we can be friends anymore.”

This is a friend whom I have known since we were 19 years old, she is 38 now and I will be there in couple of months. We have been through so much.

Her ex cheated on her and this is a new man who she met 2 years ago and honestly I have never been so happy for her when he proposed to her. I am truly heartbroken and hurting so much at the moment.

The internet was proud of OP.

EuphoricSwimming3911 wrote:

Honestly, I think she's in denial because she's 38 and getting married and doesn't want to start all over. She probably so desperately wants to believe he's a good guy. It's easier for her to believe you did something wrong. I hope she realizes before she marries him.

Just sucks that she threw away an almost 20 yr friendship. She should know better than to think you would do that or lie to her. She's known you for almost 2 decades and only known him for 2 years. This makes me so sad. I'm sorry.

OP responded:

Thank you. It has been couple of days since our last conversation and for the first time today I woke up feeling “okayish”. I am still hurting a lot and I think that will go on for sometime because I am also grieving it all but for the first time at least I don’t have to fight back tears 24/7.

Bisou_Juliette wrote:

I agree with this. It’s sucks..but, she will learn in due time that he is a weirdo…or maybe she will never learn. If your friendship is over because of it so be it. Sucks to lose friends but, you can also make new ones hun.

It takes time but, maybe make better friends who choose solid people to be in their life and not weirdos who will try and kiss you, as well as someone who would trust that you weren’t lying and jealous when you tell them the truth. If anything she did you a favor by ending it

OP responded:

Thank you. I’m crying and my eyes are all puffed up and red. Thank god it is the weekend tomorrow I don’t have work. Thank you everyone. I appreciate your replies so much. Few people have mentioned I should tell her I’m here if she ever needs me.

I already, I did tell her that when she told me she doesn’t think we should be friends anymore. But while I said that, and I love her so much as a sister and care for her deeply, I am hurting and feeling so intensely, if she comes back one day, I don’t know I’ll ever be how I have always been with her.

I guess I don’t know what I am saying. But yes, time will tell, and in the meantime I truly wish her all the best and happiness.

AbrocomaEmbarrassed1 wrote:

You did the right thing. And you dodged the bullet. She can be in denial for as long as she wants, but when she catches him f#$king someone else (and she will; the dude is obviously the trash), she will know the truth - you were right, and you were a good friend. I'm really sorry you're going through this, but it's life. Some people choose to ignore red flags.

RedRose_812 wrote:

Absolutely. I know multiple women who married garbage men despite the numerous and large blazing red flags and they all regretted it later. My own mom brushed off everyone's concerns about marrying an ab*ser when I was a kid (she was convinced nobody wanted her to be happy), and we all suffered for it.

Some people just don't want to see what's right in front of them, but that's their failing, not yours. At some point, probably after she's married to him, the friend (ex-friend) is going to realize that OP was right all along and wish she'd listened. But if she's going to throw away a decades long friendship for a dude, then she sucks too.

wheres_the_revolt wrote:

Give her a bit of time to process. She may come around. Sometimes our knee jerk reactions are to m*rder the messenger and then once we’ve processed the information we realize that is wrong.

lucent78 wrote:

F#$k. I'm so sorry OP. You did the right thing - like you said how could you be her bridesmaid and spend time with him after that! You would not have been able to maintain an authentic friendship with her. But damn, it's sad she reacted as she did.

Who knows what the future will bring, she may circle back at some point. Take good care of yourself right now. Do lots of loving things for yourself.