'WIBTA if I outed my sister so my parents won't hate my fiancé?' UPDATED

"WIBTA if I outed my sister so my parents won't hate my fiance?"

I ( 27M) live with my (27F) fiance, Annie and recently my sister, Mia came to live with us. Mia has never actually told me she was a lesbian but I've always kind of knew she was. Since Mia has been living with us, I've started to notice changes in her behavior around Annie.

Mia has always been shy about her body and at most will wear knee length shorts on a very hot day even with family. Now she's basically always in sports bras and booty shorts, it was odd but I haven't lived with my parents in six years so I don't know if she changed her home habits during the time I was gone. I just brushed it off as a self-esteem boost and was proud of her.

Then she got especially close to Annie. I assumed it was just admiration but then it got super weird. She was sticking even closer to Annie and it wasn't like she was butting in on us when we were being romantic but it was like she was trying to prevent romantic moments from happening by trying to direct Annie somewhere else.

She would also leave the room or look sad when we kissed. I got the feeling she had a crush on Annie. I confronted her about her feelings and told her that it was fine if she had a crush but she was taking it too far and she denied it. Now my sister knows I know she's a lesbian because a few years ago I sent her one of those "If x friend was ever more than a friend...." texts.

She denied that they were "more than friends", I told her that I'll always be here to support her and moved on. Things would stop for a while then pick up, we would have this conversation then the cycle would repeat. Annie figured out that Mia probably had a crush on her and was uncomfortable by the entire situation.

A few weeks ago Annie kind of sister-zoned(?) Mia and things just escalated. She openly flirted with Annie to the point where Annie didn't even want to be at home. We couldn't do anything romantic at home because she might see at start openly bawling in her room. Mia was very cold to me and always snapping at me for small reasons.

I had enough when she made breakfast for Annie and her using the food I specifically bought for myself and Annie walked out crying. I pulled her aside and told her that she needs to stop right now or I will kick her out. She acted like she didn't know what I was talking about AGAIN so now I'm definitely kicking her out.

The only problem is my parents, I can just kick out my little sister and not tell them why. If I tell the truth my sister will be outed but if I tell a half-truth like she made my fiance uncomfortable, they'll hate my fiance because I can't actually explain what my sister did to make her uncomfortable without outing her.

My sister deserves a chance to come out and this isn't like I accidentally outed her either either. Is getting herself outed a consequence of her actions or would I be a the a$$h@le?

athshe2 said:

If you out your sister, Y T A. If you don't kick your sister out, Y T A. You're NTA if you throw your sister out, thereby making your home a safe place again for your fiance, and don't out your sister to your parents.

I suggest that you kick out your sister and if your parents ask why, tell them that she repeatedly overstepped boundaries and you're done with her disrespect and melodrama. You don't have to give details. You're not a child and you can set boundaries with your parents too.

ProbableOptimist said:

Okay going against the grain but: NTA. My opinion - as a lesbian - is that this isn’t a tattle to your parents, but a by-product of being honest and unfortunately, your sister is being wildly inappropriate.

Coming out is personal and should be at your own pace, but keeping silent on principle to defend the downright uncomfortable actions of a family member isn’t the hill for our community to die on. That being said, you are an adult. You can tell your family that she has repeatedly defied requests to respect your home and as such cannot stay there longer.

Is there something we’re missing here, or you yourself are blind to, OP? Are your parents homophobic, or intolerant behind closed doors? Does she stand to lose something if she isn’t straight?

The main issue here is that your fiancée is facing harassment in their own home and has been rendered to tears, and that’s unacceptable from any gender. The same-sex nature of the crush isn’t the centre of the issue and I’d tell them frankly that she is leaving for harassing/obsessing over your fiancée.

But out of kindness, give her warning of what you will be saying to your parents. If she’s going to deny flirting (or has another explanation beyond sexuality she hasn’t told you) stick to the facts: she intrudes on you both, you can hear her sobbing in reaction to you being intimate, and Annie is no longer comfortable around her.

[deleted] said:

Was ready to call you the arsehole but I am going to have to say NTA. Your sister isn’t just acting like a lesbian she is acting like a sociopath.

mali10000 said:

ESH, I think your sister has crossed a major line! However, I think, especially given we don’t know how accepting your family would be, it isn’t the best idea to out her. The best thing in my opinion is to give Mia herself the ultimatum again. Try to be understanding and say you know she’s lesbian and don’t want to push her to come out, but her behavior around Annie is unacceptable.

Then, depending on her response, suggest that either she cease and desist all behavior toward Annie or move out, and if she doesn’t do it, you will have no choice but to kick her out and out her to your parents.

Your fiancé should come first and it wouldn’t be fair to her if your parents came in not knowing the full truth and unjustly disliked her. Deal with Mia, but get her to either stop her behavior and kick her out. I think you need to threaten to out her though, given she didn’t listen the first time.

Commenters are divided between NTA and ESH. Everyone agrees the sister's behavior is out-of-line, and some think that "outing" her would be justified in this scenario.

I got a lot of YWNTA for kicking my sister out but YWBTA for outing my sister. I accepted it at that point and was going to have a talk with my parents without outing my sister and being especially vague. Then to my surprise there was a string of NTA for both, the reason being my sister's behavior was a crime and needs to be addressed immediately.

I decided to just talk with Annie who was the ultimately was the victim and asked her what she wanted to do. With the exception that there was no debating my sister getting the heck out. She said she wanted to tell my parents what happened because they deserved to know.

I couldn't agree more, not because like some of you suggested I wanted to out my sister for revenge but because I think part of the blame is on them. Growing up I was always the "smart" kid and she was always the social kid. My parents put my education over her events.

She couldn't invite her friends over because I was studying, if she was invited to a friend's birthday and I had tutoring around the same time, she would either have to walk to her friend's house, be late or not even go at all. At some point they realized how this was affecting her and just let her do whatever she wanted.

When I needed it to be quiet so I could study they would just ship me off to my uncle's house (I didn't mind). My parents would let her do what she wanted but they still gave me more attention. So yes, like some of you suggested my sister definitely needs therapy.

So we talked to my parents after we kicked her out, we told them what Mia did and I think my dad believed us but my mom didn't. This part is now all just being relayed from my parents: They went to my sister and to my surprise she came clean to everything. She admitted what she did was wrong but she just couldn't stop herself and she was just so angry at me for getting all the attention all the time.

I had all the good things, she didn't. Well it ended up in a shouting match and they kicked her out. They kicked her out of their house but they moved her into my aunt's. They gave her an ultimatum, either go to therapy or receive no financial support from them. With the condition that when if she doesn't start therapy within the next 5 years they will not be paying for her sessions.

I think they should pay either way but it's their money, so not my place to say anything. I haven't heard from my sister, she texted Annie to tell her she's sorry and asked her to meet up but she hasn't reached out to me. I probably wouldn't have responded if she did though. I'll also be looking into getting therapy, even if If I'm angry at my sister and never want to see her again I also feel like I lost her.

Yes, Mia was outed in the end but I think that considering everything this is the best outcome for her too. Thank you for all the responses.