Woman refuses to make house wheelchair accessible for cousin's wedding; 'Your bridesmaid is not my problem.' AITA? UPDATED
When this woman is annoyed with her cousin's bridesmaid, she asks the internet:
"AITA for refusing to make my house wheelchair accessible?"
My(22f) cousin(24m) is getting married next weekend. He proposed to his girlfriend(25f) on Wednesday and want to get married by the next Saturday. They want to hold the ceremony at our grandparent’s house which I’ve the legal inheritance of. I’ve no objections to them wanting to get married there or anything.
Also there is no reason to technically rush the wedding, but they say they are in a very happy place and want to be married asap, well whatever rows their boat.
They want to hold the ceremony in backyard and there’s this platform of sorts where they want the wedding party to sit at reception.
The thing is one of their bridesmaids(24/25? F) is wheelchair user and so they want to add a ramp to the platform. Now the conflict is: they asked me to get a ramp there, I’ve talked to the contractor who has done most of the furniture and stuff in that house and he says he can only get to it next month, he’s busy with some personal affairs.
I told my cousin this and he and his fiancé are very mad at me when I refused to hire a different contractor or get a quick work done. I have offered to attach a temporary ramp (the detachable kind- which I could rent from a nearby shop) instead.
The bridesmaid is refusing this, saying she deserves a better accommodative and accepting facilities. Thing to be noted is: the cousin doesn’t want to pay for ramp construction since it’s not his house and doesn’t even want to pay any % of rent for ramp.
Also the rest of the house is wheelchair accessible since my grandma needed it, including washrooms, it’s only this platform for some reason has no ramp but only stairs.
I don’t want any sloppy or expensive ramp done in a rush, because I don’t have that kind of money saved or want to compromise the quality.
The bride texted me saying she and my cousin have always walked on egg shells around me to make ‘accommodations for my handicap and feelings’ this is the least I can do for them. For reference my handicap is my autism. It’s never occurred to me it’s a handicap or issue for people(Atleast family) to be around me.
When i talked to my parents about this, they were very angry at her and have refused to attend wedding where their kid is disrespected. When my aunt (groom’s mom) found out about this whole thing she was ‘red angry’ and said she might not attend the wedding too.
Now the bride is calling me an ableist and instigator. AITA?
Edit: wheelchair user instead of bound. Sorry wasn’t aware of the negative connotation.
Edit2: mostly everyone saying I shouldn’t let them host the wedding there seems unfair, since it was his grandparent’s home too. But yes, I may not attend the wedding. It’s disrespectful I see.
Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
heywr writes:
NTA Your house is not a wedding venue. It's your home. Any and all expenses for them using or modifying should first be approved by you and paid for by them. It's enough of a favor to let them use your home.
Do you realize the time and effort that's going to be on you to have a whole bunch of people in and out of your home, using your bathrooms, kitchen, etc...? The cleaning before/after, the paper supplies, sewage/water usage, and more.
Yeah, you are not the one who should be bending backwards for this event. If fact, you wouldn't be to blame if you changed your mind because of their ridiculous demands and expectations. Way too much.
tenner6 writes:
Why are you even considering spending money for a cousins wedding at such short notice, or at all. Are they paying for the use of your house? Ir are they just so entitled that they feel the world should stop and cater to their wedding.
NTA for any of this. You offered a reasonable accommodation if a temporary ramp (which they should pay for) and if that isn’t good enough, they can find (and pay for) another venue.
And if the bride feels like she has to walk in egg shells around you, the appropriate response is “well maybe having the wedding at MY house isn’t the best idea then since you would feel uncomfortable at your own wedding.”
Time to retract the offer of using the house and let them figure something else out. Most restaurants and event centers are completely handicapped accessible, but I have a feeling they are unwilling to pay for that.
NTA but if they keep pressuring you, hand them a bill for the rental of the house that includes the temporary ramp rental and set up as well as the costs of disposables that will be used (TP and soap in the bathrooms etc) as well as a bit fir the power and your inconvenience.
fegatr writes:
NTA. A temporary, rental ramp is a reasonable solution, as well as a reasonable accommodation for a wheelchair user who is visiting your home.
The bride, groom and wheelchair user are unreasonable expecting you to make permanent construction changes to your home for a one time event.
They should have offered the information on ramp rental. Your only responsibility would be to help coordinate the ramp delivery (should you choose) if you are worried about your property. They should have booked and paid for ramp rental.
This is not your responsibility. You have been gracious enough to open your home to them, and to their guests, for their wedding. That is very kind. These people are very entitled, manipulative and rude.
I was born with a disability that affects my balance. Some people with my disability are wheelchair users. I have more than a basic knowledge of accessibility and rental ramps.
The disrespect by your cousin's fiance is unacceptable. Period. The entitlement of the wheelchair user and the bride and groom are also unacceptable. I would take this into consideration and withdraw the use of my home for their wedding.
They don't respect you. They are using you because your home is wheelchair accessible. They are trying to manipulate you to pay for permanent construction that you don't need. You don't need them or their bs.
dhayt writes:
NTA. You shouldn't be expected to pay for an accommodation requested by your cousin's bridesmaid for a one-time event.
They're already using your house as the wedding venue for free, and they should have been the ones taking their wheelchair-bound bridesmaid's needs into account when choosing the site of the wedding.
They sound incredibly entitled, as does the bridesmaid for turning down the reasonable accommodation of the rented ramp. I worked for an accessibility company and there's absolutely nothing wrong with using a mobile ramp.
In fact, depending on the laws where you live, sometimes it's impossible to build a ramp at a location because, at least in the US, the ADA...
laws require ramps to have a certain length based on the height so the grade isn't too steep to be safely navigated by a wheelchair, and they're required to have flat "rest areas" every so many feet.
A lot of people where I live end up using the mobile ramp because they don't have enough space to incorporate all the required rest areas if they build a ramp.
aheh writes:
NTA. There are so many things about this that upset me. First and foremost, the lack of gratitude that you’re willing to use your own money to accommodate the needs of their bridesmaid is mind blowing. I’m not quite sure why the bridesmaid feels a rental would be unreasonable, but that feels odd to me, too.
In a world full of people unwilling to accommodate, it seems to me that she would also have reason to be be grateful – particularly since it’s not HER wedding and neither she (nor her friend) will be paying for it.
The fact that this couple is utilizing your ASD diagnosis to shame you makes it very clear how entitled, selfish, and just plain unkind these people are. I know part of ASD can be struggling to understand the nuances of social interaction, but please know their behavior is not socially (or morally) acceptable.
These are manipulative comments and behaviors that lack integrity. Please also know that it would be more than appropriate for you to set boundaries around the use of your property, even if it was previously a shared relative.
I hope you recognize that your mother’s and your aunt’s reactions validate NTA right there on the front lines-and it seems that the Reddit community supports you, as well. All my best.
gae6rw writes:
NTA Here's the thing. We are about 2.5 years into a whole home renovation. While we've done 90% of the work ourselves, we have hired some out. We have exactly 2 contractors we trust now. That's it.
We've worked with dozens. 2 out of the 20 we've talked to are worth hiring. And they take a while to get to the job BECAUSE they are trustworthy and are booked up. Every single contractor who has been able to "squeeze us in quickly" has sucked. Every single one.
Do not get a rush job done. It will (most likely) not be up to par. And you'll pay for it initially then have to pay again to have it fixed. I understand you want to accommodate your cousin but this isn't it.
Renting a ramp is absolutely fine in this type of situation. It is unreasonable to ask you to make costly and permanent alterations to your home for a single event that doesn't even need rushed.
palladium7 writes:
OP you are NTA. You offered a reasonable solution and they acted like entitled brats. If you're not attending the wedding, don't let them host it at your place unless you want to come home to a completely destroyed house with your stuff going missing and broken.
I'm not saying they would steal from you but you don't know about everyone they're inviting.
If you intend to let them have their wedding there, you need to draw up a contract with them beforehand stating that they're being granted the use of your property for the wedding but they're entirely responsible for providing the food, equipment, place settings, set up and clean up, and for the costs of anything that is damaged or goes missing.
You should make sure that you put in language that they'll be responsible for a penalty fee if they fail in any of their responsibilities which result in any costs to you, including time.
I'm not a lawyer or anything but you really need to get everything in writing and make sure they understand that you're only allowing them the use of your place and not your time or labor.
They're responsible for arranging everything for themselves. But if you're not going to be there, seriously, do not let them have their wedding at your place.
And now, OP's update:
Thank you everyone for all the comments and explanations… it really helped me understand the entirety of situation.
Well after reading all the comments the general consensus was not to let them use my house for wedding and when I asked my parents about this- they wholeheartedly agreed.
Well it so happened we were at the said house, we being me my parents and my aunt(grooms mom), when I texted my cousin saying “I’m sorry but I’m not comfortable with you hosting the wedding or reception in my house.” And he simply texted back “ok.”
That’s when my aunt called him up and started yelling how he was raised better, and he being disrespectful to his sister isn’t what she ever expected, she said she won’t attend the wedding and when undoubtedly the marriage will fail he’ll come back to his senses and his family.
He was shell shocked would be understatement. He immediately came over to meet us all and when I told him about the ‘handicap’ text from his bride to be, he was taken aback. He apologised profusely. He literally said he’s begging for forgiveness.
Yes he was irrational for the ramp demand but the bridesmaid was emotionally manipulating him and blackmailing him a lot.
He called off the wedding and has gone no contact with fiancé. She saw the original post online and texted me calling me a ‘tattle tale dimwit’ So FU CAROL.
Also as it turns out they were rushing the wedding because she didn’t want to sign a prenup. Dodged a bullet there it seems. Yes she said this part herself yelling in rage. So no wedding, but my aunt is hosting dinner the night of wedding and making my favourite dishes.