'AITA for asking my brother not to bring his husband to my wedding because of my fiancé's family?' UPDATED

The irony of avoiding confrontation is the more you run from it, the worse it'll get.

"WIBTA for asking my brother not to bring his husband to my wedding because of my fiancé's homophobic family?"

My fiancé and I are a few months into planning our wedding and we are now deciding on who we are inviting. My fiancé comes from a super conservative and religious background but has thankfully grown way from that (otherwise I couldn't marry her!)

Her parents however are still super conservative and homophobic and delight in talking s**t and all sorts of horrible things about the LGBTQIA community. Other members of her family are like this as well, some more vi*lently vocal than others.

Well, for our wedding we have decided that everyone we invite can bring a plus one (subject to our approval of course). I thought about it for a really long time about my older brother and his husband (they've been married 3 years) and I don't want his husband to attend with him.

The drama if they attend together has the potential to get out of hand and that is something I don't want to have to deal with on my wedding day. My fiancé also agrees with me on this. We can't not invite her parents and we can't not invite my brother so we felt our only option was to not invite his husband.

Who knows what could be said or done if he attends and yeah, we're being selfish but it's our wedding. I'm really not sure how he'll react though. It took my brother a long time to accept himself and I'm sure this won't feel good but at the same time maybe his husband won't want to attend anyways.

I have nothing against my brother's husband. He is a lovely man but we are just trying to have the day go smoothly. When we extend the invitations out I think I'm going to go to my brother in person and ask him not to bring his husband for all the reasons above. So WIBTA if I asked him not to bring his husband?

The internet did not hold back.

backstageninja wrote:

YTA. I understand it's to make life easier for a day that should be important to you, but honestly it's still a shitty thing to do. Your wife needs to tell her family to just not be assholes for 5 hours out of their lives

NoisomeWind wrote:

YTA. Instead of disinviting the bigots who would cause problems, you're choosing to disinvite a decent person who happens to be gay. Let me ask you, OP--are you going to exclude your brother and his husband from every family event from now on?

Birthdays? Holidays? What happens if you have kids? Will you exclude them from your kids' lives because your wife's family thinks they'll be a bad influence? What if your kids are LGBT?

Will you cut off your wife's family then, or will you let them mistreat your own children? What do you think your exclusion of your brother's husband will teach your kids? This is not the only time their beliefs will cause problems, and you need to think about how you're going to proceed from here on out and the consequences your choices will have in the years to come.

OP responded:

This is a good point. I never thought of it this way actually.

PleasantAddition wrote:

OP, consider that you're considering siding with people who are more big*ted than Mike f#$king Pence.

OP responded:

Noted.

CRJG95 wrote:

If they were massive r*cists would you ban all Black people from your wedding to keep them happy?

OP responded:

No.

hypoxiate wrote:

YTA. Wow. You'll make the appearance of siding with hom*phobes rather than being inclusive. You're clearly not as open-minded as you think you are.

OP responded:

Maybe I’m not. Honestly everyone’s responses really are making me second guess my decision.

pantsupfritz wrote:

YTA, so, so much. It's hard to believe this is real. Be prepared to never speak to your brother again if you go through with this. What a slap in the face to him and his husband. It isn't their fault your in-laws can't control their big*try for one day.

OP responded:

I do realize that maybe I am going about this wrong. It’s giving me a chance to think about it.

pantsupfritz wrote:

I'm so happy to hear that! Thanks for listening.

OP responded:

I might think about looking into some security or something like that just in case.

A day later, OP shared an update.

My original post got so much attention and I got a lot of requests for an update so here you go. I went to my brother and his husband and mentioned that there was the potential of some serious negative reactions from my fiancé’s family and I asked them what they thought about my brother coming solo without his husband to my wedding.

I thought I was providing a middle ground by asking them their opinion instead of just delegating who he could bring. Unfortunately this didn’t go as planned and they both got super offended and said that I was discriminating against them.

I told them that wasn’t what I was doing because I was coming to them first and asking them what they thought and what they wanted to do but they didn’t listen and now it’s all f#$ked. My brother said he doesn’t know if he still wants to come to the wedding and his husband got in my face and told me that I needed to leave.

This was a few days ago and he still isn’t talking to me. It’s making me pretty upset. My fiancé says I did the right thing though. I’m going to try and reach out to him closer to the wedding when things have calmed down as I do really want him there. Anyways everyone’s responses really helped me out and I wanted to update.

The internet did not hold back.

RadioSupply wrote:

We told you so, idk man. 🤷🏻‍♀️

NationalMouse wrote:

Seriously, and your fiancé said you did the right thing?? Literally over 1700 comments of people telling you how WRONG it was to disinvite your brother. He has every right to be upset. You screwed up big time man.

e_vil_ginger wrote:

OP: AITA? THE ENTIRE INTERNET: YTA AND HERE'S WHY ALSO OP: HOW WAS I AN A-HOLE?

AppellofmyEye wrote:

YTA. You really didn’t learn anything from your last thread. Your brother saw right through you. That you even considered asking your brother to leave his husband at home to appease your bigoted in laws told you brother everything he needed to know. And you were cowardly about it. But now your brother has solved your dilemma for you and your in laws will have a dandy time at your wedding.

hyacynthFT wrote:

Like, I don't know what to say. Dude asks Reddit. Thousands of people tell him not to do this. He does it anyway. Brother and BIL react badly.

All you can do is say "told ya so."

MairEngelwood wrote:

"They both got super offended and said that I was discriminating against them. I told them that wasn’t what I was doing because I was coming to them first."

My dear, asking them if it's okay for you to discriminate against them is still discriminating against them.