'AITA for telling my GF I will kick her out if she won't see a doctor for mysterious illness?' UPDATED

"AITA for telling my gf I will literally kick her out if she won't see a doctor?"

I'm honestly out of ideas for how to help my gf and so maybe I was too harsh today but I'm losing my mind over this situation. She definitely has a medical issue of some kind. She goes to the walk-in sometimes but they won't do anything long term that needs monitoring so she needs a family doctor.

And she's been "on a list" for over a year and she does call around occasionally to family doctors but has not had any luck. But I don't think she is taking her health seriously at all and offer to take her to ER sometimes because seriously she might die or something and I want this addressed as soon as possible.

She is thin and small. She doesn't eat much but partly (and I can confirm) because she often throws up after having just a few bites of a meal and then feels "sick" for a while that kind of knocks her out of the day for a few hours so she just takes vitamins and occasionally drinks Ensure (the kind of drink targeted at old people to keep up calories but she is only 23).

And she's weirdly fine with this and says she's always kind of been this way. Which isn't true because we started dating 2 years ago and I definitely saw her eat normally at some times in the past. She wakes up in the middle of the night to be sick in the bathroom.

Sometimes in the middle of the day she goes from totally coherent to looking like a drunk person in like less than 5 mins and I literally have to force her to drink some juice or something. I am not a doctor but I know she needs one like, yesterday. I'm not even comfortable with letting her drive anymore because of how spacy she can get out of nowhere.

She keeps saying she's on a list and will get a doctor eventually but I think seriously this is bad and I know I'm nagging but it is kind of scary and I don't know what to do at all. Today she got really weak and confused and forgot about lots of things we were talking about just this morning.

And I said I kind of want to call an ambulance and she told me she's fine and would be mad if I did that. And I am so upset I said like if you are trying to kill yourself I can't be with you to watch and seriously you have to do something or else move out because I can't do this anymore you have to get healthy or get out.

She is okay physically now but incredibly angry with me for being insensitive about symptoms she can't help. But I know she can't help and it that's why I want her to go to the hospital because what if she has some kind of disease that can use medicine or something I really don't know

I know medical info is super personal but I live with her and see this problem every day and it's really scary so I kind of think it is my problem too. But maybe I'm overstepping. I really don't know. Is it an AH thing to push people on medical topics like this? Maybe I should call her mom (in another city but not far) but that also feels kind of dick-ish and I don't know how to act right here

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

[deleted] said:

NTA. She definitively needs to see a doctor. That isn't normal. However, telling her you would kick her out might be a bit insensitive. But she really needs to see a doctor.

pirkle1 said:

Does she have an eating disorder?

And OP responded:

I don't know really. I don't think so though? She seems to try to maintain her weight with supplements (like calorie/protein drinks) and stuff but as I've said it is sort of weird and I don't really know what's going on so I want to go to a doctor maybe even together if she will ever agree to it

wrench48 said:

I was so concerned with my wife's health that I demanded she see a doctor. She continued to refuse.I told her if she didn't see a doc I'd divorce her. "That's your choice," she replied. I divorced her.

A year later she was dead. Turns out she was an alcoholic and didn't want to be outed. She traded her marriage and her LIFE for all this. It's not rational. But if they don't want to go, you cannot make them go. Prepare yourself.

tishfanclub said:

NTA. It really does sound like she needs help, whether this is something outside of her control or if it's something she is doing to herself. You've been together long enough that caring for her health and well-being is not overstepping any boundaries.

[deleted] said:

Sounds like an eating disorder to me. One she’s worked really hard to hide and normalize within the relationship. Either way. NAH. She needs medical help and insisting upon this as a requirement to continue living together and being in relationship is not an asshole move.

It’s a boundary that you need to uphold. Watching your loved one deteriorate in front of you and them refusing to take the issue more seriously can be extremely damaging and difficult. You 100% need to put yourself first and prioritize not traumatizing yourself or enabling a potentially dangerous situation.

She’s not an AH either, because it’s her body and her decisions. She doesn’t have to get treatment and if she is dealing with an ED, she’s likely very deep into it and unable to see herself. She needs more resources and support than you alone can give her. And that’s okay.

Verdict: NAH.

OP later shared these updates:

Edit: Thank you all so much for your stories and encouragement on this situation. It helped me realize it's worth acting even if it would make me an AH.

We messaged her sister really late last night (gf said it was okay to do but I am the one who messaged) and she was still actually awake and said she has the weekend off and could come stay with us for two days and help if she can and she got here a few hours ago. She's being really kind to me honestly like trying to take care of me and telling me to go sit down and she made me food and I'm overwhelmed.

She had a private conversation with my gf and when they came out they said they are going to go to the ER and her sister is somehow doing all of this so easily where I couldn't?

And they're at the hospital now and I'm not but I think that makes sense because she seems to listen to her sister a lot easier than me and it is probably best and I think I'm just exhausted or something I've never been so stressed in my life but I'm so thankful to her sister who seems to know exactly what to say to make everything work

Edit again: for anyone curious her sister called me and I guess my gf has more than one ulcers in her stomach and there could be a reason for it so they're still at the hospital to try to see why she has them she had a scope thing and also a biopsy and that's all I know so far

Then, months later, OP followed up with this significant update:

Summary: my gf was constantly sick, dizzy, and confused. I was getting angry at her about it because she refused to get help and it caused us to fight. It's been a long time since that post, but I received so much support and kindness from it that I wanted to give an update to anyone who may like to know what happened in the end.

After many days and long nights in the ER with referral promises that never came to be, my gf finally got a referral to some kind of "diagnostic" clinic that works with "difficult problems"

The early hospital visits were enough to know that she had ulcers, but she was still sick even after they were seemigly healed. So they did more tests at more ER visits. Sometimes all they could do was hydrate her (she is constantly dehydrated) and tell her she needs to take stronger vitamins because is always mildly deficient in a few

The diagnostic clinic ran a f*ckton of blood tests looking for every possible thing. Like 3 blood tests a week. She must have been screened for every disease in existance. They found some mild liver dysfunction. Sorry if I report this incorrectly but she doesn't process bilirubin correctly as far as I understand it and that is an important liver thing.

After that, they still tested her for ever gastro and liver disease under the sun and it looks like she has a genetic thing that "sometimes but not always" causes stomach pain and puking.

They basically told her that it sucks but isn't life threatening and all she can do is avoid putting stress on the body, so she has actually gotten much better at sleeping regular hours and not pushing herself physically and trying to drink enough water (or Gatorade, which she now claims to be superior to water, but whatever it seems to work)

She still throws up suddenly if she gets stressed out but it's much less frequent and for at least 2 months hasn't been getting randomly confused so that's a good sign. She says now that she has an "answer" it's easier to handle and I am not really pushing past that because it seems to be working.

She isn't angry with me anymore and said I wasn't wrong to be upset and she apologized for being difficult. But she says she was initially overwhelmed with never getting answers and never knowing how to eat or act to make a difference. So she never tried. She seems embarrassed about it now.

We had a lot of conversations about how to deal with health issues in the future and I also apologized and said I'd really try not to lose my temper if she gets sick again but it will be easier if we talk about it sooner. I think we are on the same page now and things are way better than before

She even saw the original post and said the comments helped her realize that this was actually scary to other people, where she didn't think it was noticable to others at first. She still said I was too harsh to lash out at her (as some of you mentioned) and I'd agree. The compromise was to talk about things more often so neither of us has to feel like worry is building up over time

Thanks to everyone who reached out after the first post with thoughtful responses. It meant a lot and we might not be totally there yet but we are making good progress!!

Phew!