Husband's workload leaves wife to handle household alone; husband says, 'do your job.' AITA?
"AITA for telling my wife to do her chores?"
Anteater1500
I, (24M), have been married to my wife Amelia (26F) for 4 years, (yes I know we married fairly young.). I work a consultant type job which requires me to have periods/roughly a month where I work 70~ hours a week We don't have kids and my wife does not have a job.
Currently I'm in one of these periods (typing this on my lunch) Me and my wife usually do a 70/40 split in terms of housework but in weeks like this I do next to none because 10 hours a day (no weekends) of mostly standing/moving about means that when I get home I usually collapse on the couch and then do some prep for tomorrow.
Recently my wife hasn't been doing even 50% of the chores, which is fine for a bit. We all have our ups and downs and I've never had an issue with a messy house. I've been microwaving some frozen stuff/not eating for dinner.
My wife recently brought up to me that she was feeling overwhelmed with all the mess in the house and asked me to help out. I'm not in the house for 12ish hours including commute and lunch break so I don't really care how the house looks.
I told her if she wanted the house to be clean she could just do her chores. She went tight-lipped and told me she'd let that go because I was under a lot of stress. I went to sleep soon after and got up 6 and left for work at 7:30 before she woke up.
I got a text a few hours ago that she was dissapointed in how I'd reacted to her expressing her needs. I get that she's stressed, I do. But I'm doing my job. Is it so unfair to expect her to do hers?
Edit: Answering a few questions.
1) As a consultant I get leased to different businesses for anywhere from a few days to a month. My schedule can vary from getting a month with only a few days of non-stop work and the rest off (I'm talking I do not have time to come and go from my house , I have to get a hotel room as close as possible) or a steady few weeks of a normal schedule to this.
2) Pay: Numbers vary but in general money is not an issue.
Yes, I do pay for everything.
3) 70/40 was a mistake.
Its somewhere between 60-70/30-40.
4) No, I do not care about the mess and I only have one thing which is do not leave wine glasses out. If you're gonna invite friends over to the house when I'm not there don't leave alcohol/drugs/vapes out (i hate intoxicating substances) My wife does drink, unlike me, so we have a designated cupboard for the alcohol keep it in there.
5) No I am not mother gothel.
My wife is not locked up in our house, she can go where she wants.
6) Currently I'm doing 10 hours minimum a day, no weekends, 2 hours commute, 2 hours prep, my wife does not make breakfast/pack a lunch, I leave before she wakes up.
7) I do not run around the house making messes in random rooms (i think this was a joke) I stick to my study, which is messy but she doesn't go in there anyway, the guest room and the kitchen. (I don't want to disturb her with my hours so I go in the guest room for these kinds of times.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
ClackamasLivesMatter
NTA. When one partner is working and the other is not, it's fair that the unemployed partner take care of a supermajority of household upkeep. I'm assuming that your wife is not going to school or starting a business, because you would have mentioned it. This begs the question of what exactly your wife is doing for 10-12+ hours a day while you're working.
Not everyone is cut out to be a homemaker; it sounds like your wife would be happier doing something productive with her time if staying home doing fuck all has her "stressed." If you can't sort this out by talking, marriage counseling is probably in order.
AsOsh
Yea, I would have understood if there were kids in the mix. Same situation as above, but with kids. It's nearly impossible to keep things neat, tidy and sparkling when two 6yo shitheads keep tearing through every room.
jmbbl
"Me and my wife usually do a 70/40 split in terms of housework."
That's giving it 110%!
Fancy_Cheek_4790
NTA. I can’t imagine that 2 adults make that big of a mess. I’d be curious as to what’s going on with her. Is she resentful, angry, depressed, lonely, etc?
mark1l_
Lives for free and still feels too stressed to clean after 2 ppl lmao.
chez2202
There is a simple solution. If she doesn’t want to do housework then suggest she gets a full time job and you can use some of the extra money to pay someone else to do it. Not only does she get to not clean but someone else who needs a job gets employment. Win win win for 3 people.
forgeris
It is interesting how an unemployed wife wants to clean mess and requires help form a 70hour per week working husband. Obviously there are men that would help such wife but I would hire a maid and fire my wife immediately, even the best sex isn't worth such stress at home after 12(?) hour shifts. NTA.
Syliri
NTA. Tell me, what is she doing to provide for you? You are working 70+ hours, out of the house for 12 hours per day. How much of this mess is even yours? She literally has nothing she is required to do to continue existing.
You are pushing yourself to the brink of exhaustion to give her a life where she doesn't have to worry about going to work, where she doesn't have to worry about pinching pennies and she is complaining to you?
Honestly, what does she have to be stressed about? Two adults in a home, where you are gone more often than not? No kids? What exactly is so hard to clean up after? I just don't understand this.