Man 'regrets every day' that he didn't say anything when a cousin moved in. AITA?

'AITAH for resenting a family member after allowing them to move in with me? I regret it almost everyday.'

u/Aggressive-Work-1000

I (32M) and my wife (30F) finally purchased our first home after 5 years of marriage. I think it’s of note that we had also recently started to attend couples therapy to resolve issues in our marriage that we’d both been ignoring.

Things were going well and we were making progress. When we finally decided to put an offer in on the house, we were both happy, in love, and ready to start a new chapter in our lives.

Obviously, as with any move, there are stressors and disagreements, but nothing that was unmanageable. Our kids loved their new home and were all very happy.

Everything changed when the “cousin” came by. I will call her D.

D is a 26F who has never once stood on her own two feet. My wife and D are very close and and have been since their childhood. My wife essentially has been a mother figure to this girl her entire life. Now D has come and visited us for holidays over the years and has always overstayed her welcome. I mostly keep my mouth shut because of how close her and my wife are.

To cut to the chase, this last visit has turned into her moving in with her long time companion and a pet. I am furious at myself for not seeing this coming. Originally they came down to visit, and after a couple weeks I came to realize that they had no intention of leaving.

My wife loves having her around and our relationship has taken a turn for the worst since they have moved in. She consistently chooses to hang out with D over me even though I am hardly ever home anymore. My bills have skyrocketed.

Getting her to pay rent is like pulling teeth and somehow always a surprise, and to top it all off, she is suffering from “depression.” Which has essentially made her untouchable as my wife is coddling her as always.

She has decided that she doesn’t want to be with her bf who she lived with for years prior, but he has nowhere to go and causes no problems for us. She contributes nothing to the home life. All she does is work and come to my house and watch tv.

She walks around my house and doesn’t even have the courtesy to say hello to me. This is most likely because she knows I’m annoyed by her presence. This has destroyed our relationship and ruined the entire first year of owning a home with my wife.

I am ashamed of myself for letting this whole thing play out and now I don’t know how to save my marriage without taking on another adult child.

In the comments, OP added:

I guess I’m just more concerned about losing my family. If this isn’t well received or even acknowledged, then the truth is, we are doomed. I can’t keep being a doormat and disrespected in my own home that I worked for years to be able to afford.

I pay all the bills in the house and I’m sick of feeling like trash. My kids mean everything to me and we all know how things will go if the work from home mom wants to separate from the never home dad.

Things used to be so good.

Berryme01:

You were trying to be supportive of your wife’s close relationship. However, you’re human and can only take so much. It seems your wife is an enabler vs. being a true help to D. If your wife cannot or will not stop, you cannot continue the relationship this way. Any therapist would be helping her see this. I wish you the very best this can turn into!!

SeaLow5372:

NTA for resenting her. This situation is weighing on you and your relationship with your wife.

From your post, I don't understand if you spoke to your wife about this situation, and what she thinks about it. It seems that she's so protective of the cousin she would resent YOU if you tried to tell her something.

OP:

Thanks for the reply btw. I meant to reply directly to you, but I think I replied to my own post. I’m kinda new to posting on here.

Misstiff1971:

Time to tell your wife you are evicting these freeloaders. They will not be welcome to even spend the night in your home after this.

Live-Mail-7142:

Ok, this happened to me once. I let a babysitter stay at my house for a couple of weeks. She and her adult son came to stay never planning to leave. In my state once a person is in the home, and has proof she lives there, you can't just kick them out. In her case, she had mail delivered to my house, in her name. That was proof of tenancy.

So, I would check with the cops, and with an attorney, to make sure abt the law.

Of course you are NTA. I would talk to my partner after I learn what my rights are. Bc you and your wife have to be a team on this.

At the end of the discussion, OP added a small update:

In being honest with myself, I can’t say that I’ve truly expressed how the entire situation feels. The reason is exactly as you just stated, I feel she will resent me for not wanting her around. Obviously I know this is not an indicator of a strong and healthy marriage. It no longer is. Any objection to “she can stay as long as she wants” is going to cause a shit storm.

My wife does this thing where she shuts down and goes internal when I bring up issues and don’t give in to her reversals. It’s incredibly annoying and there was a time where we had mostly worked through this and she was more conscious of it, but as of late it’s come back two fold. Everything is always my fault and IM so selfish.

This whole situation has affected my work life, mental health, and overall happiness. I appreciate everyone’s input. I will be bringing this up with her. Most likely this will be in a counseling session. If she’s going to choose to take care of someone who is more than capable of taking core of themselves, then she can do it. I’m done begging for respect in my own home.