'AITA for not telling my boyfriend I found out he’s adopted?' UPDATED
"AITA for not telling my boyfriend he’s adopted?"
My boyfriend (23 M) and I (23 F) visited my boyfriend’s parents for a dinner about a week before Christmas. My boyfriend mentioned to all of us that he might like one of those ancestry DNA kits for Christmas. After dinner, my boyfriend and his dad went to look something, leaving me alone with his mom. His mom told me that I shouldn’t get my boyfriend a DNA kit for his birthday.
I asked her why, and she hesitantly told me that my boyfriend was adopted as a baby. She said that she never told him because she didn’t want him to feel different from his 2 other siblings, who are both their biological children. She’s always treated him the same as his siblings, and she really would move heaven and earth to help my boyfriend.
But then she mentioned that she’s been thinking about telling him. She was nervous that he’d buy an ancestry DNA kit for himself if he didn’t get one for Christmas, and that would reveal that he isn’t biologically related to several of his cousins who have submitted the test. She said she thinks he might be angry at her for not telling him earlier, so she’s afraid to tell him he’s adopted.
Then, she had an idea: I could tell him he’s adopted. Her reasoning: my boyfriend really loves me and we will probably get married soon, I am very good at communication/problem solving, and he is generally less prone to anger when he’s around me so he might take the news better.
But I still didn’t think he would take the news well! So I told his mom that there was no way I would tell him he was adopted. She relented and agreed that I didn’t have to tell him out of the blue, but she said I would probably know if my boyfriend was going to get a DNA kit, and if he does, I should tell him before his results come in.
I told her that I didn’t want to take any part in any family drama and that I wouldn’t do it. Then, my boyfriend and his dad came back so our conversation ended abruptly. My boyfriend did not get a DNA kit for Christmas, and like his mom worried, he went and bought himself one. I knew he had bought himself one, but I still was very firm about not getting involved in his family drama.
And I didn’t tell his mom he’d gotten one because really, she had 23 years to tell him and she didn’t. My boyfriend got his results back about 2 months later and found out his DNA didn’t match his cousins’ DNA. He spent a lot of time on the phone arguing with his parents and was downright furious that his parents never told him he was adopted.
He hasn’t spoken to them since, and he is still incredibly angry over it. His mom called me and told me I could have avoided this by just telling him before he took the test or by telling her he was going to take the test, but I told her I wouldn’t get in the middle of things and I stand by that. She thinks I am TA. So, AITA?
What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:
[deleted] said:
NTA. But I’m curious to know if he knows YOU KNEW, and didn’t tell him? This was a problem the parents should have dealt with when he was much younger.
your-yogurt said:
ESH. It sounds like they just wanted you to take on that huge emotional bomb yourself. That isn't fair to you or your boyfriend. The fact they chose to keep it to themselves for years well after he turned into adult is cruel. On top of that there's implication had it not been for the DNA test, they would've keep on going with this charade. It was going to be a clusterfuck at some point.
But it also doesnt feel right that you kept this from him as well, just sitting there waiting for said bomb to go off. As a result you became yet another person he loves and trust keeping secrets from him. Avoiding dumbass drama is a valid point and you shouldn't have been given that burden, but you let your partner find out in the worst of ways and you could've helped to avoid that.
boneyjoaniemacaroni said:
ESH. Mom was definitely the most asshole for trying to get you to do her job as a parent that should’ve been done YEARS ago. Dad was also the asshole for the same reason. I was with in refusing to tell him since it’s their job,
BUT out of respect for your boyfriend you should’ve told them that he got the kit and that if they didn’t tell him by x day, you would tell him yourself, including the conversation you had with his mom where she begged you to be his parent. You knew it would cause hurt to him to just find out like that, and you still let it blow up in his face.
I get that that’s kind of letting mom win, but your relationship isn’t about her. Super tough position to be in, for sure. You definitely need to tell your bf what you know now, and be prepared for the backlash from not telling him to begin with. It’s only a matter of time till his mom tells him it’s your fault he didn’t know, and that can of worms is way worse than just telling him now.
Green_light2626 said:
ESH. His mom should have just told him if she was worried he’d do the DNA test himself. But you should have told her so that your boyfriend could find out from someone who loves him and not have to put 2 and 2 together on the internet. I feel bad for your bf
Dangerfyeld said:
NTA. She wanted you to do her dirty work. It sounds callous but this was an incredibly hard task that she now knew was essentially on a timer. She wanted you to do it, now whether that's because she genuinely (and incorrectly) thought you'd be better at it, or she just didn't want to face the fallout.
You in no way should have gotten involved and her putting you in that position is despicable. None of this is your fault, but you should tell your boyfriend you knew because if he hears it from them first it will not end well.
And [deleted] said:
ESH. Now you are hiding a huge secret from your boyfriend. You should have made her tell him as soon as she told you.
Commenters are divided between, NTA and ESH.
OP later shared this edit to her post:
Edit: you guys are right. I should tell him that I knew before he did. I am not really worried that his mom is going to tell him because it’s been several months and she hasn’t ratted me out. But I am going to have a talk with him. I will most likely update with the results of that talk
And then, after confronting her BF, she shared this major update:
A lot of people commented on my earlier post about my boyfriend’s mom asking him to tell him that he’s adopted, and it encouraged me to have a talk with my boyfriend. Basically, I sat down with him and told him that I had known he was adopted but still allowed him to take a DNA test.
He was understandably upset, but I explained the situation with his mom, and he was much more upset with her than with me. My boyfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, and yesterday he told me that he would really like to adopt a kid in the future. He wants to raise the kid to always know that they were adopted and to not view it as something shameful like his parents did.
I think a proposal will be coming soon, and after we get married, he and I will hopefully start the adoption process! I am so grateful for everyone who commented on my post and encouraged me to tell my boyfriend about what I knew. A few people recommended adoption subreddits, which my boyfriend has looked into.
It has helped a lot. He is still learning to embrace his past and maybe someday reconcile with his parents, but he’s very glad that I told him I knew and he still loves me and wants to marry me.