Bride forbids dad from walking her down the aisle, 'he BEGGED me not to tell anyone.' AITA?

"AITA for refusing to let my dad walk me down the aisle because of what he did when I was 13?"

I (26f) am getting married this fall. Ever since I was a kid, I imagined my dad walking me down the aisle. But as the wedding got closer, I realized I couldn’t do it not after what happened when I was 13.

When I was 13, I caught my dad cheating on my mom with a 23yo woman. It wasn’t just a kiss or a one-time thing it was a full-on affair that had been going on for almost a year. I found texts and photos when I was using the family computer. I didn’t know what to do, so I confronted him privately. He begged me not to tell anyone. I was terrified, so I kept quiet…for months.

He eventually confessed on his own or more like, he got caught. It broke my mom. She fell into a depression and honestly never fully recovered. Our family was never the same. I always blamed myself for not speaking up sooner. I went to therapy and worked through it, but some scars don’t go away.

My dad is now remarried to that same woman. He’s been trying really hard to be involved in my wedding. He assumed he’d be walking me down the aisle. But last month, I told him I wanted my older brother to do it instead. My dad looked like I slapped him.

He asked why, and i told him the truth: I never healed from what he did, and I don’t want to pretend like everything’s fine in front of everyone. He said I was being unfair, that he’s tried to make amends and be there for me. My stepmom even called me crying, saying I’m punishing him forever for a mistake he regrets.

My fiancé and friends are on my side. They say it’s my day, my choice. but some family members (including my grandma) think I’m being bitter and disrespectful. I don’t want to ruin the mood on my wedding day.

But I also don’t want to fake a happy father-daughter moment that doesn’t exist. AITA for refusing to let my dad walk me down the aisle because of something that happened 13 years ago?

Here's what people had to say about this one:

phatfarmz said:

It’s your day, not his. Don’t feel bad about doing what you think is best. You’re entering a new life with your partner and that’s all that matters. They’ll be there for you.

chez2202 said:

His wife called you and said you are punishing him for a mistake he regrets? SHE is that mistake! And he’s MARRIED to her. He regrets NOTHING. You should try to persuade her to leave him and find her self respect on the way out.

Necessary-Penalty300 said:

NTA, I'm getting married next year and I already told my dad that I would prefer that I be walked down the Aisle by my older brother and Mother if he wants to meet me at the front and do the whole hand me off to my husband thing he is free to...

But I would not be walking with him. He was mad at first saying then he won't come I let him know that's his choice but that is just showing why he doesn't get the privilege to walk me down. He got really quiet after that.

Sebscreen said:

NTA. Your slimy dad doesn't get to decide when "enough" time has passed for you to forgive him. For your mum, she is still hurting by his betrayal every day. And it is laughable for his mistress to call herself a "mistake" with zero self awareness.

l3ex_G said:

NTA, he made multiple mistakes but making a child hold that burden is horrible. I’m with you. Some wounds don’t heal.

Antique_Oil8462 said:

No, you’re not the ahole. It is your wedding. What you say goes. It’s not your responsibility to handle your parents emotions. Your dad did what he did and now he has to face the consequences of it while having older children. It doesn’t just go away when you become an adult and he needs to realize that.

I wish more people understood the ramifications of having an affair when it comes to their family. Instead of just leaving your mother, he decided to have a full on affair with a younger woman and on top of it had you hide it as a young child. Not everyone can just get over that. It affects your romantic relationships as well as your family dynamic.

I’m sure you’re also thinking of how your mother would feel watching him walking you down the aisle and having the affair partner that is now his wife be at the wedding as well. I don’t understand why his mother wouldn’t understand how that wouldn’t be uncomfortable for you and your mother.

Maybe ask him how he would feel if your mother had an affair on him and they got divorced. And you decided to have that affair partner walk you down the aisle. He probably wouldn’t be OK with it. Would he? His family probably wouldn’t be OK with it, would they? betrayal is betrayal. And that runs deep.