Bride urges unsupportive father to skip wedding, 'my partner and I are both very feminine.' AITA?
"AITA for wanting my 63M dad to skip my 25F wedding?"
I just found out my dad does not want to walk me down the aisle. My partner and I have been together for 5+ years. I thought my dad & I got along great. My dad says he is supportive of our relationship (I’m gay), but he’s never been openly proud about it.
I’ve never asked him to be vocal in his support for me but I have expected him to just be accepting of me. My partner & I are both very feminine and it’s always felt like he’s just been tolerant because we appear “straight” but never supportive. Which hurts because he’s not a religious man…he claims he is just “old fashioned."
I think his problem is that he’s painted a picture of how my life should have gone and that’s what is holding him back. The rest of my family loves her like she’s already part of the family. He treats her well but I can tell he’s uncomfortable if we PDA.
Yesterday, he told me he was voting red this year and all I said was that my vote would cancel his out (I tried to keep it light hearted). Then he asked me to explain my vote and I just stated that I want to get married in the next couple of years and honestly I’m scared of the possibility of same sex marriage getting overturned.
He nodded at the very real possibility and said he understood and that was my right to be concerned and I said “I guess yours too if you want to walk me down the aisle.” (As I mentioned before, he thinks of himself as “old fashioned” l’m his only daughter and I KNOW he’s thought about walking me down the aisle and our first dance. When I was younger, he told me what song he wanted for our dance.)
Back to yesterday - he told me that “I put him on the spot” by asking “don’t you want to walk me down the aisle?” In front of my older (28) brother and him. So taken back, I asked what he meant? Then he said that “he loves me, and he’d die for me. But I’m asking him to go against his beliefs” I did not know he even had those “beliefs." I was hurt.
So I just said that I’m sure my brother wouldn’t leave me to walk down the aisle alone. I think my brother was also taken back by all this. He could hear the hurt in my voice. He’s incredibly liberal and supportive of me but he remained quiet in the conversation (which also hurt:,) ).
Alcohol was involved in this conversation but how am I supposed to take this? I am heart broken but glad, I guess. I don’t want someone who hates my sexuality more than they love me to walk with me.
Honestly, I just assumed that he would walk me… I didn’t know you’d have to ask your dad that.. My dad will just be there in the front row watching me walk without him then watching my partner’s father with her? I feel like I’ll have to walk alone and hopefully everyone just thinks I chose to walk by myself.
My mom will try to convince him to walk with me but the damage is done. If it’s not an automatic yes then I don’t want to wait around for an answer. I also don’t want anyone with secret animosity towards my sexuality there with us.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Famous_Specialist_44 said:
Get your mom to walk you down the aisle. Surround yourself with love and support. Congratulations on the wedding. Have a wonderful day. NTA.
FireAndFuryOfHell said:
Definitely NTA. He's not old fashioned, he's just a simple bigot. No justification. If he can't support you, then he doesn't deserve to be there on your big day. I grew up having to hide who I was because my family was openly hateful towards LGBT people.
When I came out to them, I told them very clearly that if they couldn't accept who I am, then I didn't want them in my life in any capacity. If my father had been as openly hostile towards my identity as your father is towards yours, then he wouldn't see me ever again.
Samarkand457 said:
NTA. My late father was conservative himself. But he damn well showed up to support my sister--though not walk her, as it was a civil union ceremony--on her wedding day to my sister in law. I am only half joking that we would have had to check to see if there was a suspicious hump in the back yard if he hadn't. My mother can be scary when she wants to be.
moongirl12 said:
NTA. You have every right to be hurt. What your dad said was devastating.
goldenfingernails said:
NTA. I'm so sorry. Your dad is a bigot and it really sucks to find that out. I think your brother was just as shocked (which is why he remained quiet). Both of you are now having to reassess this person you thought you knew and respected. Honestly, I would lose respect for him if he had said this to me.
Don't invite your dad and have your brother walk you down the aisle. You've learned something profound about your dad and it's upsetting. Come to terms with it, accept it, walk down that isle with your head held high. Decide later if you want to go LC or NC with your dad to give you space. Congratulations on your engagement!
Secret-Sample1683 said:
NTA. You have a completely legitimate reason to be hurt by this. And it wouldn’t be out of line to disinvite your father from your wedding.
hans_grubers_brother said:
NTA, that had to be so hard for you to hear. I liked the way you summarized it when you said “I don’t want someone who hates my sexuality more than they love me to walk with me.” That is how I think you should explain it to him. I hope that he hasn’t thought about it in that context and it helps him gain a new perspective. Best of luck to you and I hope you have a beautiful wedding.