'AITA for telling the teachers that my daughter’s bully being a foster kid isn’t an excuse to be a brat?'
"AITA for telling the teachers that my daughter’s bully being a foster kid isn’t an excuse to be a brat?"
-madmom-
My (36F) daughter (11F) has a close knit group of 5 best friends with whom she does everything together. At her school students have to sit in the same seat for every single lesson, and my daughter and her best friends all sit together at one table.
There is another little girl in my daughter’s class called Winny. Once, Winny came to sit at my daughter’s table when one of her friends was off sick. That day, Winny constantly knocked my daughter’s books and pens off the table on accident, and borrowed her stationery only to snap one of her rubbers, stain her highlighter with black ink, and was even found with my daughter’s pens in her pocket.
One morning Winny came to school crying non stop. The teacher was very sympathetic and asked if there was anything she could do to help. Winny said she wanted my daughter removed from her seat so she could have it, and the teacher agreed.
The only empty seats left were all the way in the back corner of the classroom opposite her friends, and the only students sitting there were a girl who was known to be a delinquent and two older boys who had been held back.
The teacher refused to give my daughter a real explanation for why she had to move seats, instead saying some generic stuff about being kind to those less fortunate. My daughter cried for a week straight.
In our country, the school year ends in December, so that’s over 7 months of being isolated from her closest friends. She’s also starting high school next year and will be attending a private school, while her friends are going to a public school, so this is the last time she can hang out with them everyday.
A few days ago, I was called into school because my daughter had gotten into an argument with Winny. Winny had confided in my daughter’s friends about how she had gone into foster care after her parents overdosed.
Winny was always a loner at school and wanted some girls to sit with during this time, and the teacher sympathized with her so she agreed. The only reason my daughter had to move was because there wasn’t enough space for 7 girls and my daughter was simply the one Winny liked the least, and she admitted to lying to the teacher about being uncomfortable around my daughter to get her moved.
When my daughter found this out, she told Winny she didn’t understand why she had to pay the price just because Winny’s parents were a bunch of insane criminals who didn’t want her anymore.
I know Winny’s had a hard time, but so has my daughter. Her older brother passed away only months ago. I told the teachers that Winny isn’t the only child going through a tough time and I didn’t understand why my daughter had to be punished for another girl’s struggles as if she wasn’t suffering herself.
The teachers wanted me to make my daughter apologize for her remarks, and I said it was their fault for punishing her and forcing her to sit with the problem kids despite doing nothing wrong, and they were downplaying my daughter’s grief and trauma to cater to a brat. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
G1Gestalt
This sounds like blatant favoritism. Unfortunately, I don't think any school system on the planet has solved the problem of teachers showing favoritism. Here in America, I would advise you to go to the teacher (you have), then the principle, and if all that fails, go to the superintendent or school board if things get bad enough.
One thing is for sure, start a paper trail if you can. If you can e-mail the teacher and principle, do that. CC whoever you should. Unrecorded conversations in person practically don't count.
If you do have such a conversation, email the person you talked to afterwards outlining the things you talked about and try to get them to confirm what was said. Good luck.
Kessed
ESH, and I do mean everyone. The best solution would have been for the teacher to redo the seating plan. She shouldn’t have allowed a clique to form and become entrenched.
I say this as a teacher. In the school where I was required to have a seating plan I changed it pretty much every few weeks or when there was an issue. I almost never just moved one or two kids (unless they both requested it and it made sense).
I generally started plans using a random name selector and then made adjustments to prevent problems. But I figured it did kids good to learn how to be near and work with a wide array of other people rather than just their friends.
Your daughter was completely out of line with what she said and absolutely owes the other girl an apology. You would be missing a vital teaching opportunity if you did not help her to do so. You are an asshole for being so close minded that you can’t see that it’s a classroom full of children who all have different backgrounds that you are not privy to.
You are also an ahole for wanting to encourage the “cool kid” clique and referring to your kid as being “punished” when she was simply moved elsewhere. When my kids were younger and had tables, I know their teachers mixed things up pretty regularly.
sheramom4
ESH. Your daughter's remarks were awful and there is no justification for your daughter telling a foster child that her parents didn't want her anymore. Period. The teachers were wrong for moving your child because of Winny.
But your daughter is also not entitled to a certain seat with friends and to not sit in an undesirable location with kids you disapprove of. You are wrong for calling Winny a brat when she has trauma all while commenting on your own child's trauma.
You come across as someone who only feels like your child's trauma should be considered. Or that your child is entitled to things she is simply not entitled to. Winny was wrong to target your daughter specifically.
In terms of what your daughter said, I am assuming had Winny commented on your other child dying you would take great issue with that yet when your daughter makes a nasty comment to someone about their need for foster care you double down and call her names and don't question your daughter's comments at all. Your daughter should apologize. As should Winny.
The best course of action would have been for the teachers to break up ALL of the girls into individual seats and not allow clique grouping within the classroom at all. Unfortunately that did not happen.
Serious_Watercress38
NTA. Defend your kid.
And to every “ESH” god help you if your kids are ever bullied in school, I hope you have the same energy you’re displaying here.
QueenieMcGee
NTA. I feel like there were more than a few options that the teacher could've gone with before splitting up/isolating a (grieving) kid from her group of friends for 7 months all on the word of one girl.
The teacher could've asked Winny a few basic follow up questions: "Why does it have to be that particular table?", "Why does the other girl make you uncomfortable?", "Would you like me to help you and the other girl talk it all out?".
This all smacks of just lazily giving the crying child whatever they want, and letting them do what they want, to shut them up and I've unfortunately known a fair few people who based their whole personalities around this and got started around this age...
The worst was a "friend" of my brothers who stole things from our family home constantly. My parents told me not to make a fuss about it, because his home life was bad and the stuff he stole wasn't that valuable (at first).
Then things like jewelry and small electronics started to go missing. Then one day he "dropped by" with two of his cousins to hang out with my brother... that evening our shed was broken into and our bikes were stolen.
I just have a sinking feeling that Winny is already on that same track, I hope I'm wrong though. I can definitely see the merit in making sure Winny is included in a group, but it should absolutely not be at the expense of another girl being excluded, WTF was that teacher thinking?!