'AITA for wanting to leave my husband after he stole from me?' + Update
"AITA for wanting to leave my husband after he stole from me?"
OKPrestigiousGuest
When I was 5 my Nana gave me her tea set. It was given to her by her mother. My Nana had no daughters of her own and I was the only girl of her 11 grandchildren so she gave it to me. It's a full bone china set.
I don't know if it has monetary value, but it's sentimental value is immeasurable. I have had it, kept it, used it for nearly 28 years. I wanted to pass it down to my own daughter or granddaughter one day. My husband knows all this.
His sister and her family came to stay with us for a week. Whenever I have little girls over I pull out my tea set for a tea party. I make tea sandwiches, scones, cakes, biscuits. My Nana made tea parties a big deal with me and I carry that on. So me, my sister in law and her daughter had an afternoon tea party.
It was a couple of weeks after that I had my friend and her daughters coming to visit. I planned a tea party. Morning of I baked, made sanwiches, went to pull my tea set out, and it was gone. I keep it in a cabinet in my kitchen. I wash it and put it away every time until the next time. I went a little mad looking for it. The visit came and went.
I spent days tearing my house apart looking for it. Every cabinet, drawer, cupboard, the whole house was turned inside out. My husband even helped me. He was insistent that it couldn't have grown feet and walked away on it's own.
That's what gets to me. He knew damn well where it was but he pretended that I had misplaced it. He knew how upset I was and tried to comfort me with promises to buy me a new set. As though a new set could replace my Nana's.
A few weeks later he came home with a cheap, thin looking set that he bought at Wallmart or something. I threw it in the bin. Call me ungrateful if you want, I don't care. I was ungrateful.
Something you treasure, something of great sentimental value given to you by your long dead Nana cannot be replaced no matter how much, or little in this case, the replacement cost.
Then I heard my husband on the phone. I heard him say that when we visit, to put it away and tell Melly not to mention it because I'm still upset about it. He didn't say the words tea set but I knew, I KNEW that's what he was talking about.
I walked in while he was still on the phone and called him a thief. He was like a deer in headlights. He quickly hung up and tried to explain. I wouldn't hear it. I told him to get it back.
His sister called me and I called her a thief. I told her to return it in the same condition she took it or I would be calling the police then I hung up on her. My husband tried reasoning with me. He told me his niece loved it so much and that kind of thing really is for little girls.
He said he was going to talk to me about leaving it to her anyway so where is the harm that she has it now. He said I was too old to be playing around with kids toys and I really should grow up. He said I was immature and it means nothing. What he meant is that it means nothing to him so I should forget it.
The next day I not only went to the police to report the theft, I also called my brother who lives in the same city as my husband's sister. My brother went around and got my tea set. My husband was livid and spent a couple of days calling me a lot of derogatory names.
His tune changed when he came home to find me packing my stuff. He stole from me, pretended he didn't know anything about it, insulted me, tried to gaslight me.
Now he's saying how sorry he is, and that we can work this out. I don't think we can. I look at him and see someone who steals from me, lies to me, makes me feel small, someone untrustworthy who doesn't care about me.
Two of my brothers will be here tomorrow to help me move. I'm taking everything that means anything to me because I don't think I'll see any of it again if I leave it all with him. We can fight it out in court about the rest.
I've been told that I'm an asshole to leave him over a tea set. But it's not just a tea set. It's my Nana's history, it's my history. It's years of happy memories with her, with my mother and other female relatives, friends. He stole all that from me when he gave it away. AITA for calling it quits?
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's initial post:
No_Stage_6158
NTA, glad you got it back and that you know it’s time to go. Good Luck.
NeartAgusOnoir
You’re right, good thing she knew it was time to go.
OP: he lied about this, what else has he lied about? Definitely take everything that means even a small amount to you, and let the courts decide what you can keep.
Also, do NOT drop the charges….let his family learn that stealing has consequences. I’d be petty and get the tin set from wal mart out of the trash, and send it to his sister with a return address with his name.
ETA: look on OPs profile and she updated what’s happened.
Top_Writer3454
NTA. Your husband is an idiot. It's not about the tea set. He lied to your face, stole from you, and told his family to lie to you as well. Why did he give it away in the first place? I can't understate how idiotic that was.
Federal_Cut9879
NTA he intentionally chose to hurt you, not only by stealing from you and gaslighting you, but by spending DAYS degrading you for trying to get back something HE stole. He’s an AH and leaving is the best possible thing you could do for yourself.
Four days later, the OP returned with an update.
"[Update] AITA for wanting to leave my husband after he stole from me?"
OKPrestigiousGuest
Update - just a tiny one because it's only been four days but my inbox is collapsing under all the message requests for an update. I am moved out. Two of my brothers and two of my cousins helped me to move.
I took videos (pre during and post my leaving). There was some unpleasantness prior to them arriving but their arrival saw its end. They came with a moving truck. A whole truck. All I had packed was some luggage with my clothes and a few boxes of other stuff.
But they filled that truck, and I have the soon to be ex on video helping them, laughing with them. But when I gave him my house keys, he was not looking at me with any love or regret.
The plan was to move back in with my parents. All my brothers, my two cousins that helped me move, and another cousin had a meeting of the minds on facetime the night before coming to help me.
My brother who retrieved my tea set opened his big mouth about the tea set situation and they've become suspicions of just about everything. Due to those suspicions they decided my plan was rubbish and came up with one of their own. I was moved into the third cousin's home. He has top notch security. Cameras, sensors, monitoring, you name it he probably has it.
My brothers have not let up about their suspicions. Suspicions are all they have and I'm going to see it stays that way. I am not going to tell them anything. I love my brothers and I love my cousins, I do not want to spend the rest of my life visiting them in jail.
I've taken some of the advice people offered. Id est the videos. Making a missing items list, I'll be looking for photo evidence of these items. I have already spoken to my uncle's wife the divorce lawyer.
I was going to go with someone else because she's family, but she's bound by lawyer-client privilege. I have not blocked him so all the voicemail and SMS and FB Messenger messages he's sending are getting through and being saved. I'm sure I'm leaving stuff out but that will have to do for now. I am moved out, I am safe. Thank you everyone. I'll let you know when I have more to tell.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
aliciameendes
I'm glad you leave, and hopefully in your divorce you can get your stuff back or the money from the things your husband stole from you. Honestly your ex husband soubds like a jerk.
Sunflower-and-Dream
Let's hope OP's ex-husband doesn't try to do anything crazy now that she has left him and has started the legal procedures against him.
(On a side note, if someone stole my tea set, I would shank them as soon as I found out who did it, and my set is not an inherited set with sentimental value like OP's.)
matchamagpie
"My husband even helped me. He was insistent that it couldn't have grown feet and walked away on it's own."
The fact that he knew all the history and saw OP distraught as she looked for the memento of her nana and pretended to help her look for it and gaslight her about it is just disgusting. This really was the sign of all that was to come.
crystallz2000
OP is smart to divorce. A man who is willing to steal something precious from his wife will do much worse. I hope she gets as far away from him as possible an stays there.
Sunshiny__Day
There is something fundamentally wrong with OP's husband. Stealing from her is bad enough; pretending to help search for the missing tea set is cruel and twisted.