Man trusts mom to watch his child while he and his wife are in the hospital; she leaves. AITA?
"AITA for freaking out at my mom for not upholding her promise for the care of my child while my wife and I were in the hospital for the birth of baby #2?"
Icy_Advantage_9226
My wife and I just got out of the hospital with the birth of our second child. Both of my parents were supposed to take care of and spend the night with my older son (2.5) during this time.
We went through every single detail together as this is the first time both my wife and I would be away from him overnight, so it was a big moment for us mentally. Both of my parents got the play by play and our understanding was both parents would be staying overnight to help our son.
My mom would talk about how they would both sleep either on our couch or on an air mattress in our bedroom as my son has a tendency to get up several times during the night.
He will walk through the house at night looking for us, so we wanted to make sure my parents would sleep on the same floor as him and be easy to find. While I ultimately trust both of my parents, my mom is a nurse and has a great overall motherly caring capacity.
We were comforted that she would be with my son the first night away. She has spent more time with him and was involved with caring and changing his diaper. I trust my dad but he did not have the same level of caring/changing diapers/etc with him.
Without telling either my wife or I, my mom decided to not spend the night at our house and left my dad there alone. She left after my son went to bed so she can get a better night sleep at home for work the next day.
I found this out from the cameras at the house. I am not 100% certain on this but I think there is a high probability she turned off tracking on her phone as her driving history randomly stopped (we share location via app).
I found this out on my own the first night in the hospital and did not say anything to her because I did not want the drama while we were in the hospital. She did it again the second night.
I asked my wife while in the hospital if it was her understanding that my mom would not spend the night at my house and she said definitely not. We contemplated if I needed to go home to make sure everything would be good with my son.
While in the hospital, she was texting me updates about how the night went, number of times my son woke up, etc. I just felt like she was trying to play it like she was there when I knew she was not. I texted my dad directly to check in.
After we left the hospital I texted my mom saying going forward I would like better communication regarding the care of my children. Basically, if she promises something to me regarding the care of my children she needs to either fulfill it or discuss it with me if the plans change so I am aware.
My mom got extremely defensive justifying her decision and would not let me talk over the phone. Her position was that nothing bad happened to my son, he was always safe and at home. I said I’m done with this conversation and hung up.
I took a later call from her and let her know all my frustrations with this in a not so calm manner. I definitely used more swear words that I’m not proud of… I was worked up.
She tried to tell me she didn’t want to burden me with the details while we were in the hospital. I told her every detail will always matter to me as it relates to the care of my children.
She broke her promise to me and she should be ashamed of herself for causing all this drama on day #2 of my kids life. I told her I lost some trust in her and am disappointed this was not discussed as part of our plans. AITA?
Edit 1: To clarify, the sleeping arrangement was suggested by her. I offered the bed and she said she doesn’t want to mess with changing out the sheets. I could have told her I would handle the sheets looking back. Our couch is a large over sized L sectional, 2 full adults can easily lay stretched out without touching each other.
Edit 2: There was no “plan” but instructions. He had to get to daycare during the day and they needed to know how to sign him in, walk to classroom, etc. The camera is over the driveway and I have told them it records before. It was no secret.
Edit 4: I do not monitor my mom’s driving history per se.
We use a family sharing app that shows the past couple days history by default. She can see mine too.
Update:
Icy_Advantage_9226
Thank you for all the feedback. We talked and both apologized. I apologized for how I reacted and the language used, it was AH of me. She apologized for not communicating the change in plans. She said it was poor judgment and it will never happen again.
Apparently she thought about letting us know but did not think it was needed because she knew our kid was safe. I made it clear I was not concerned with dad caring for our kid, it was about feeling like we were mislead.
She agreed. I think for me this demonstrated the blurred line between parents and grandparents and it’s obvious our communication needs work. I can’t thank you all enough for your perspectives!
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
a-_rose
NTA the problem isn’t that she left, it’s that she’d made a commitment to be there and then pretended as if she’d been there the whole time. She proved she cannot be trusted by lying to you.
FrostedOctopus
This, exactly^ It was clearly discussed and expected she would be staying there. She's defensive she got caught out for lying, but she needs to understand that lying drama is way worse than just voicing her need for a more comfortable sleeping arrangement ahead of time.
MissKrys2020
I don’t think making a change of plans was a huge deal, but her lying about it is what really got me. She could have easily texted you or brought up her concern ahead of time. Instead she just lied to you and gave fake updates. It’s totally understandable to be mad about that.
GritsNGators
NTA. Reddit is wild today. It's not that dad can't watch a 2.5 year old! It's the fact that mom said she'd do one thing and then did another, going so far as to lie about details of the evening as if she were there. All she had to do if she wanted to sleep at home because she had to work the next day was check notes openly communicate with her son.
Even_Budget2078
The thing that is crazy about this is what if, just maybe, grandpa was like "hey, actually, I got this". I mean was she reporting on grandson #1 getting up and going back to bed, how the night went, etc from what her husband told her?
I think so, it seems that way! It's too bad grandpa couldn't have called his son and said "hey, mom needed to go home, the mattress really wasn't working for her. Don't worry, grandson #1 got up and I did xyz...had a couple changed diapers, no biggie...read him a story and gave him a snuggle and back to sleep".
Like maybe your grandfather is incompetent, but kid is fine and so it seems grandpa did actually do a decent job. But, grandma tried to take credit?! What's up with that?