'Am I crazy for thinking her reaction to me being late with the pizza is massively out of proportion?' AITA? UPDATED 2X
"Am I crazy for thinking her reaction to me being late with the pizza is massively out of proportion?"
So this feels crazy to me even asking this, but I just need some kind of confirmation or perspective I'm not seeing: I live with my girlfriend. Every Friday is pizza night. We either order some Domino's or I pick up Papa Murphy's.
She LOVES pizza night because during the week we are pretty strict with our diet and exercise, so Friday nights are pop/pizza/movie and it's a treat. I get off of work at 5, she gets off at 6, so if I'm picking up the pizza then I get it on the way home.
Yesterday it was my duty to pick up the pizza. I stayed after work for another 40 minutes talking to my brother about business ideas because we own our business and it's really helpful to brainstorm after we close. I work 25 minutes from the house, she works 20 minutes from the house.
I ordered the pizza from Papa Murphy's (you have to bake it yourself at home for 15 minutes) at 5, and planned to leave work at 5:40 with the intent on getting the pizza and being home in time to throw it in the oven and have it be done within 5-10 minutes after she walked in the door.
Well I get the pizza, and there is a traffic accident on the freeway. It delays me 15 minutes. When I get home, which is about 2 minutes after she did, she is all, "I'm really disappointed that you didn't get the pizza here faster, you know how important it is, etc..."
I explain to her that there was a traffic accident and that I planned to be here in time to have it done. She then goes on a rant saying I should have left right at 5 so that I would for sure get the pizza here in time and have it ready for her when she got home.
Keep in mind, I've brought this pizza back basically every week for the past month, and I either have it totally ready, or at least in the oven by the time she gets home. Somehow though, the times when it was just in the oven were me being late then too and she brought that up as more evidence that I'm terrible.
Anyway, I go into the bedroom to be alone so that I don't have to hear her ranting. She won't drop it though and comes in there after 5 minutes to continue complaining about her pizza and how I shouldn't be upset because she's the one that was disappointed. I tell her fine, I'm leaving for a while because I don't want to sit here and hear this after I just sat in traffic for 40 minutes getting this thing for her.
She then FLIPS OUT and tells me I shouldn't come back if I'm leaving, chases me out the door and screams for me to pack my things and take them with me before I go, etc... I ignore this and tell her she is acting like a child and that it's like watching a 2 yr old have a tantrum.
I come back 3 hours later and she has a suitcase and a bag of clothes thrown out in the driveway. No texts or calls, just that. I slept at my office and now I'm not really sure what to do here...
Am I missing something here where I wasn't being sensitive? Do I just wait for an apology, and then if it isn't forthcoming, I should walk? It seems like insanity to me but maybe I'm missing something?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Well, this is definitely not about pizza. Give her some time and then ask what's been going on. Its hard to tell from just this post, but it seems like you two may not have the strongest communication between each other.
Or maybe she's just--get this--a effing AH. You know, if the genders were reversed, the top comment in this thread sure wouldn't be some wishy-washy BS about the poor little darling having some underlying problem and making it partially the OP's fault with "communications issues." It sounds more like OP's girlfriend is just a selfish person and that he dodged a massive bullet.
This seems like an extreme overreaction on her part. I don't mean to be a jerk for asking this but is there any part of the story you may have left out? Or, is this a typical reaction from her when things don't go exactly as she wants them to...? because, if so, that's not cool at all.
CrazyGirlIssues (OP)
This is literally the entire story. Sometimes it's like talking to a different person: One person is kind and loving, but then she can flip this switch where she is unable to be reasoned with and goes absolutely crazy. It happens when she is frustrated too. An example (also with pizza):
A few months ago I was dropping my car off to get a stereo installed. I needed her to pick me up there after she was done with work on Friday because I had to leave it there for a few hours. Well she couldn't find the place and got a little lost, so she called me.
She couldn't use her GPS because she used up all her data on a prepaid plan. I tried to help her with my Google Maps and figured out where she was really quickly (like 2 mins from the place). I told her to go North and take the first right she could.
Well she doesn't know compass directions where she was, so this frustrated her and she started screaming into the phone how this was pizza night and how maybe I could just call her once the car was ready and she'd pick me up then.
I told her that would be several hours and that it didn't make any sense, I needed food, etc... So she says "fine, I'll try to find you." 30 seconds later she finds me. She later apologized about her behavior, but it was still shocking at the time. Now I guess I'm starting to realize this is normal for her whenever she is at all stressed.
The OP then provided some additional information later in the day.
So I finally texted her this afternoon, and she said she was pissed because I ignored her/was acting cold after she complained at me when I went into the bedroom to defuse the situation. I was there for under 5 minutes before she came in to continue fighting about it.
When I left, she says, "I told you that if you left you could never come back. You still left." Now she says its up to me if I want to still be together. I told her that me being required to be in her presence while she rants at me is abuse, I can leave if I want to.
In fact, the week prior she specifically told me I should leave for a little while when she starts acting crazy because she ends up saying things she doesn't mean. So I literally followed her advice this time, and now she says I'm basically required to stay at her side while she rages at me....
Ugh, I feel like it's time to move on because I know she won't get help for this and I know it's just going to keep happening. It's just so hard because I do still love her and if she would just be willing to get help, I would have hope.
Two days later, the OP returned with an update.
After some more texting, she admitted that she owed me an apology and asked me to come back and talk. As soon as I walked in, she had a sheepish look and apologized and said she knows something is wrong with her but she isn't sure what it is, and really doesn't want to have to take medication.
That's when I brought up the fact that we both already knew her sister has a very severe case of Borderline Personality Disorder. Her sister is very intelligent, yet often homeless, has been married 5+ times at 35 yrs old, thinks no one loves her and everyone persecutes her for her political views, etc...
I never thought my gf had this disorder though because her sister was so severe in comparison that I never really stopped and paid attention to a lot of the things that she does do that still hit a lot of the major criteria:
Major fears of abandonment (from childhood), stormy relationships with men, few friends, viewing me as perfect when she's happy and terrible when she's upset, extreme sensitivity to criticism.
She also has past issues with bulimia, crazy/paranoid (ie unfounded, no evidence) thoughts about what I think of her when she is upset, and a cycle of shame/guilt about the things she does to avoid emotional pain and dealing with the consequences of her actions.
Anyway, she was curious enough about it to go and look this up on the computer, take a basic psych test to see if it's possible (she scored in the 'likely' score range even with some answers that I thought were denying reality(I kept quiet while she took it though) that would have scored her higher).
After that, she looked into what treatment was available. I know she absolutely does not like the idea of counseling, so I suggested books and she agreed to at least start with that.
So I feel like this is a positive step forward, where I was feeling hopeless before. She realizes she has a problem, and now I'm just anxious about whether she will take the books seriously and really work on understanding why she acts this way sometimes.
95% of the time I'm with her is wonderful and she is amazing, but this 5% of when she cannot handle stress or minor issues and they turn into huge blow-ups is very difficult.
One of her suggestions on what would make her feel better when she does this is if I pretended to be concerned even if it is a trivial issue. She said it doesn't even matter if I have to grit my teeth and lie to her, it will make her feel better than when I walk away. I don't think she realized it when she said it, but we do the same thing to her sister when her sister is saying crazy stuff too.
Overall I'm much more hopeful now, but at the same time realistic that she has thus far not really done anything to help herself, and reading books could help but not in the same way a counselor could I think. I'm hoping that if she reads these books and realizes a lot of it rings true with her, maybe she will be more open to counseling.
Quick Edit I know a lot of you said it wasn't about the pizza. In a way you were right, in a way not. She was much more upset by the fact that I wanted to go in my room rather than stay and listen to her ranting about that.
Someone with BPD is apparently much more short-fused when you are not giving them attention when they need it, so a minor issue about pizza turns into crazed "you don't love me you don't care about me" ramblings. It really was as simple as the pizza being late, and my avoidance reaction set off her insanity.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
You two shouldn't pursue treatment from books based on a personality disorder that you've armchair diagnosed. This book path won't actually help. She needs to work with a pro and you need to make it an ultimatum.
You can't stay with her, as is, untreated. If you do, expect more of the same. And, remember, if you do care about her happiness, you must know that the book path won't get her there. She needs the help of professionals and you would be wrong to accept anything less.
She needs therapy. A constant, judgement free relationship with the same therapist serve as a safe zone where she won't be abandoned no matter what. You can't be that safe zone.
Borderline partners are very hard to handle. If she can recognize and actually help yourself, you can be okay. Please be firm with her. Make sure you establish your own boundaries. Do not let her walk all over you and abuse you. Be healthy.
A month an a half later, the OP returned with another update.
Well I just couldn't make it work with her anymore. I didn't want to talk about it in the original post, but she had cheated on me multiple times already, and I caught her doing more stuff.
She told me she was just seeing her ex once in a while "as a friend," but I caught texts she had sent him where he was mad that she wasn't getting sexual with him enough, and that she only saw him once every couple of weeks so she must be seeing another guy, and accusing her of lying about whether she is single or not.
She replied to him saying she is single and wasn't looking for other guys, etc... but that she found out he was on a dating site and looking for other girls so she was mad about that.
That, combined with other things that have just always been problems has led me to the realization that I will never be able to do enough for her to be happy, and that there is no version of reality where I can trust her enough to get married and have kids, or where I can go on a weekend trip and not worry that she's out with another guy while I'm gone.
I told her last night that we need some time apart, and she predictably flew into a rage and told me to get the F out and said if I didn't take all of my stuff she would throw it away.
I told her if she wanted to be a baby about it and do that, she could, but I wasn't going to pack up the entire house full of my stuff while she is raging at me, so I took my necessities and left. She apologized today and said she wouldn't throw out my stuff, but I'm currently in a motel and looking for an apartment tomorrow.
I think my mental state has been warped pretty badly by this relationship and I am looking forward to "resetting." I haven't pursued my hobbies or tried to make friends in a long time because every spare moment was spent with her and trying to make sure she didn't feel like I wasn't giving her enough attention.
I would get anxious if I was running late coming home from work because I was worried she would be really upset. Most of all, I just felt like I was dealing with someone that doesn't think about things like I do, and doesn't have the sense of morality that I do. I'll never really know if it was BPD because she refused to go to counseling and nothing I could do or say would make her go.
I hope someday she is happy, but I fear she is in for a lot of short-term relationships where guys are initially thrilled to be with her, but then when they aren't perfect in some way, that's when the ship will hit the rocks again.
There's no recovery from it because she takes no responsibility for repairing the damage she causes, and only builds up resentment that she isn't treated like a princess regardless of how she treats you.
Edit: I am reading all of your replies, so even if I don't respond, I really do appreciate the kind words and constructive opinions. I am actually having a bit of a laugh right now because the more I read and write about the crap that went on.
I realize what a HUGE drain on my mental energy this has been. I own a business, and part of what makes or breaks an entrepreneur is coming up with good ideas that help the business grow.
My mind has been in a fog for so long that I haven't put as much energy into that as I should have been, but luckily for me (and maybe this is a sign if there is a higher power) my salary basically went from $50k to $250k in the past couple of weeks because of a good idea that worked well. So I've got that to help cheer me up :)
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Good luck. Sounds like you're better off without her.
You could tell that it wasn't gonna work after the first update. The fact she was asking him to lie and act concerned over small nonsense, you just know she'd flip it to him being disingenuous with his reactions. Also the cheating. That is also messed up.
The disrespect people willingly tolerate is honestly insane. I would have dropped this person immediately. Absolutely bonkers.
"It only sounds bad because I'm only telling you about the bad. They were really loving most of the time." My dude also needs his fair share of therapy to unpack this.
You can’t make someone who’s not ready to take their mental health seriously better. And you shouldn’t let yourself get treated like garbage trying.