Woman refuses to play aunt to brother's kids after his wife's sister passes. 'I was treated like a stranger for 3 years. AITA?
"My SIL suddenly expects me to act like her kids' aunt and I refused. My brother is also trying to fix our relationship but I am not interested. AITA?"
I 29F have 2 older brothers and this is going to be related to James 34M. Sometime around 3 years ago James met his now wife Aria 33F and they got married the following year. Aria also has 2 kids from her previous marriage but I'll come back to it later.
Ever since they started dating Aria has been very clear about her boundaries when it comes to our family. She claimed her previous marriage was a disaster because her ex husband was a mommy's boy, her ex MIL was very involved in their lives and she refused to have the same happen with James.
James I assume being in love with her and wanting to start a family basically agreed with everything so the result was him getting isolated from our family. My parents were never crazy, my mom was never an evil type of MIL and this can be confirmed by my other brother's wife who has an amazing relationship with mom.
To be honest we would have expected more from James, at least to defend us a little in front of his wife or try to keep a closer relationship with us. But he didn't so we spoke to him once, voiced our concerns about her being a controlling nightmare and that was it. We left him do whatever he wanted.
Ever since Aria joined our family, our relationship with them is disgustingly sterile and fake. We only see them for certain events like Christmas, Easter and birthdays and everything that comes from them is so formal I guess.
I don't know how to explain it but they never share anything with us. The only thing they talk to us is small talk like, how are you, how have you been blah blah but that's it. A recent example that comes to my mind is that my brother got a big promotion and somehow it slipped during a dinner we had.
They never mentioned him getting that promotion, it was something like yeah now with my new role, my schedule changed a little bit. I tried to make a joke and told him wow, good job keeping it a secret bro and Aria told me it was not a secret but they are a private family and don't feel like disclosing financial information. Like wtf, no one asked about finances or money.
Aria's sister recently passed away and now she suddenly expressed that my SIL and I should be more involved as her kids' aunts. I told her I am sorry for her loss but I only am an aunt to my other brother's kids, not hers.
She told me this is wrong because we are family and I mentioned that I personally don't consider her or her kids my family. She is my brother's wife, her kids are my brother's step kids but that's it and honestly I barely consider James my family anymore since we are now only related by blood and nothing else.
I am not going to take over a role that I don't want for people who I barely know. Apparently my words affected James who asked me if I mean what I said. I told him yes, I mean it.
He asked me what can he do to make it better and I told him I don't know, how do you fix 3 years of treating your siblings and parents like garbage because of some strangers that entered your life in your 30s?
He claims he is willing to try for us to go back to how things were but I told him I am not interested. He can continue playing happy family with his wife and her kids, he doesn't need me for it because I am not a clown to entertain his wife's kids when she feels like it.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Aria needs free babysitters to replace her late sister. NTA, Aria would not have wished any changes in her relationship with you and your SIL otherwise.
100% this, she wants free childcare now that her original victim has died.
James chose his wife and her version of privacy over staying connected to you. That was his choice. Now he is dealing with the results.
WARN YOUR PARENTS she’s going to try to weasel her way into their lives, after 3 years of isolating their son. And if her sister was still alive, she’d continue to be distant. She just wants free childcare.
NTA. Keep the same energy. SIL is just a user.
I'm guessing Aria's sister was a doormat and babysat all the time and now she needs a replacement. NTA.
NTA. Aria set very clear terms regarding the relationship she and her kids had with your family. She doesn't get to change them now that she has hurt your entire family. Even if she's reaching out now due to grief, she should have started with an apology and a request to start with a blank slate. Instead, she is making demands.
Apparently, she doesn't really want those relationships; she just wants free childcare and/or fun replacement aunts for her kids. I'm stunned that your brother didn't realize you're no longer close. You can't just practically shut someone out of your life, keeping everything on a superficial level, and still expect the other person to have warm feelings for you.
I don't blame you for no longer trusting him, as for the last several years, he hasn't trusted you enough to share anything about his life with you that he wouldn't casually mention to an acquaintance.
NTA She set the limitations and boundaries you’re respecting them. Because for me, it would be too little too late also.
She let her trauma from her first marriage taint her new one. It’s not fair that she gets to call all the shots and y’all are just suppose to what? Go with it? Condolences to her and her family but she made it clear how she views your relationship with her and her family and she just doesn’t get to change it at will. It’s not only her feelings and her needs she has to consider. I don’t blame you. NTA. This just sucks all around.