Wife leaves when husband lets daughter chop off long hair despite wife’s obsession. AITA?
"AITA for taking my daughter to get her hair cut when I knew it would upset my wife?"
Me (29M) and my wife (30F) have a little girl (8F) who I'll be calling Anna. Now, Anna has very thick, blonde and curly hair that my wife adores. Ever since she was a toddler, she'd spend hours doing her hair every day, braiding it, straightening it and styling it in all sorts of ways.
Our bathroom cabinets are always filled to the brim with a bunch of hair lotions, oils, creams and other fancy products I don't even know the names of. So I think it's more than fair to say that my wife's a bit obsessed with the whole hair thing. Anna, however, has never been too fond of getting her hair done, or of anything that involves having to sit still for more than a few minutes.
Before she got it cut, her hair used to reach past her waist. And while it looked lovely, she hated getting it brushed and every morning used to be a screaming fest between her and my wife.
Lately, she'd been begging for a shorter haircut. My wife ignored her whenever the topic was brought up in hopes that she'd forget about it, but none of that ended up happening.
I think Anna realized she was getting nowhere with her mom, because she started asking me to take her instead. I was reluctant to at first because I didn't know how my wife would react, but I agreed when I saw just how excited the kid was over something as simple as a haircut.
So yesterday I drove her to the hairdresser, where she got to flip through a lot of magazines and pick a picture of a haircut. And when she chose a really short clipper cut, I knew I was gonna be in deep trouble with my wife.
At that point though, there was no turning back. I mean, what could I have really done? Told her that no, she can't get the haircut she was so over the moon about, all because her mom wouldn't like it? I couldn't do that.
So we went ahead with the haircut, and by the end of it Anna couldn't stop smiling. She went around the salon showing it off to everyone and even asked me to take a bunch of pictures even though she normally hates having pictures taken of her.
We did get one rude comment from an older woman at the salon, something along the lines of 'You can't even tell if she's a boy or a girl now', but Anna was way too excited about her hair to notice, and if she did notice she didn't care.
When my wife got home from work that day though, things quickly took a turn for the worse. She refused to even look at Anna, locked herself in her room and cried then got in the car and drove off. It's been a day now and she's still not back, it's honestly starting to worry me.
I knew she wouldn't react well to the haircut but I wasn't expecting her to take it this badly. The kid's upset too and no matter how much I reassure her she still thinks she's in trouble for getting her hair cut.
AITA? I realize how attached my wife was to Anna's hair, but at the end of the day I still think it's just hair. The kid's old enough to decide these things for herself and she was really happy with the haircut, so I don't think I did something wrong here.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA, but crying, locking herself away, and driving off are not normal responses, even for someone who is really upset. Is something else going on with your wife?
Wife sees the daughter as a trophy child, something she can show off.
This isn’t about Anna’s hair. It’s about her body autonomy. I’ve made a few comments elsewhere, but this situation has been sitting on my mind. What your wife has been doing and is continuing to do is sending the message to Anna that her body is not her own.
And despite her own desires, she should put other people’s feeling about what she does with her body first. Is this really the message you want your daughter learning? Think about the long term implications of learning to give in to other people’s wants about her body.
The other thing that is really concerning me is that you say that Anna doesn’t like to sit for more than a few minutes. So how is her mum making her sit for hours getting her hair braided? Bribery? Manipulation? Invalidation of her feelings?
Braiding can hurt if strands are accidentally pulled or it’s done too tight. If Anna’s expressing that the styling is hurting what is happening? Does it stop or does her mother get frustrated and ignore or dismiss her?
There’s a whole boat load of concerning behaviours here from your wife that seriously need to be dealt with, but right now you need to make sure Anna knows that she did the right thing, her hair is beautiful and none of this is her fault or responsibility.
This is definitely about Ana being her little dress up doll. Why else would she have such an extreme reaction to Ana having her hair cut. Poor baby, she's probably worried her mom hates her now for getting her hair the way she wanted it. On a side not, the mothers behavior reminds of the the parents in the child pageantry contest. Obsessive, controlling behavior about the way their children look.
Is your wife a freaking Mother Gothel from Tangled? Does she love the child or does she love the hair ffs? NTA, a kid has their right to choose what's being done with their body.
NTA for taking her. She's 8 and she should have a say in how she wears her hair. But y t a for doing it behind your wife's back. Btw your wife needs to seek professional help if this is how she reacts to a haircut.
He had to do it "behind his wife's back" because she wasn't allowing either OP or her daughter a say in it.
He should've at least told her "I'm doing it" and have a conversation. I didn't say he needed his wife's permission. But they're partners, they should to speak to each other about these things.