'AITA for telling my husband that our marriage is over because he asked for a paternity test?'
"AITA for telling my husband that our marriage is over because he asked for a paternity test?"
Specialist_Sand_1553
Throwaway account but need some clarity as I am massively upset. I 52(F) have been married to my husband for 24 years, together for 30 years. It hasn't always been roses but we had a lot of fun.
Yesterday we were having a Friday evening drink to relax and our son (17) asked for help with his gaming PC. I'm the tech so I tried to give advice, my husband got angry and stormed off saying that his relax time was ruined. I thought he was being childish and pretty much ignored him.
This evening he told me that in a previous relationship, his partner had lost a baby and in the investigation they found he was infertile and so she had been cheating. This is news to me.
Yeah we had been together 12 years before I conceived, I have never cheated on him, I always thought the problem had been mine. He says that our son is not his and he wants a DNA test.
I agreed because I never cheated on him ever. I said our marriage was over because of this, said he knew I would react this way and I am a lying AH. My heart is broken. Please tell me. Am I TA?
Quickie Edit: Thank you so much for answering, for your support and advice. I have read them and will try and respond to as many as I can. But as a quick note: His ex is a lovely woman and we are friends on Facebook, I'll message her in the morning. The dementia angle being suggested is a good one and deserves investigating. I am not a robot or AI, I wish I was because then it wouldn't hurt so much.
Yes, parental uncertainty is something that women don't appreciate, but he should have said before, I would have understood if he had raised it earlier because it did take a while to get pregnant. He had told me about the miscarriage with the ex, which is why I thought our fertility issues were mine, he never told me about getting his fertility checked.
I have worked in Tech for the past 25 years, my son doesn't have my troubleshooting skills :) His parting shot tonight was that he didn't say anything at the time because I needed a father for my kid.
I pointed out that in previous heated arguments I would have thrown that at him and left with my son if there was any doubt he was the father. He was the stay at home parent and I didn't leave him in other turbulent times because I didn't want to leave our son. I'll update you. Thank you.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Far-Juggernaut8880
Why did he wait 17 years to ask for a paternity test… to me that is the real question.
No-Seesaw-3411
And didn’t tell her at the start that he was supposedly infertile?? Letting her think she was having the fertility issues?
xoxodaddysgirlxoxo
also, doctors can be wrong sometimes. the lost baby years ago could very well have been his. what an AH the husband is 😕
Utter_cockwomble
Infertile isn't sterile. There is always a possibility, a low one but still, of natural conception.
skiarakora
Not only that, but it means they tried for a baby for years while he « knew » he was infertile?? And he didn’t tell her??
randomusername1919
This should be higher up. He has been lying to her their entire marriage, and assuming she lied to him. I am sure the DNA test will show that the kid is his, because as others have noted infertile is not the same as sterile. But now he has outed himself as having deceived his wife for their entire relationship…. I am not sure couples counseling will ever overcome this.
Few_Requirement_3879
Infertility means difficulty getting pregnant/ getting someone pregnant/ staying pregnant, not that it’s impossible. Plenty of people who are infertile are still able to have biological kids, it’s just usually harder and takes longer.
Did he just find out the thing about his ex, or is this something that he’s known for over 30 years and just now decided to bring it up? Because if it’s the latter, he’s just using it as an excuse to get you to divorce him so he doesn’t look like the bad guy.
Holiday_Horse3100
Saying he knew this is how you would react says that this may be a deliberate effort to get out of the marriage. He may have another woman, he may want something different or he is just being an AH.
SwanTwister
Look, asking Reddit for advice is like asking if god is real, some will say you are right to divorce and others will say you are wrong. Like many posts on this sub, you know deep down what you are going to do.
We can say one thing or another, but truth be told, you already know what you are going to do. I really hope it works out for you what ever you decide, but don't let Reddit tell you what to do based off the little information we have to read. Take care.
The OP responded here:
Specialist_Sand_1553
Thank you for those wise words. I wanted to talk to people as I don't feel I can talk to anybody else right now.
Sebscreen
NTA. If he believed he was infertile, why did he try for a kid with you without sharing that for 12 years? Then why did he wait another 17 years after your son was born to verbalize that he thinks it isn't his kid?
The OP again responded:
Specialist_Sand_1553
yeah for about 5 years I didn't take contraception, we decided to sell up and go traveling when I got pregnant, I thought it was because we had decided our life was going somewhere else.
Elegant-Channel351
NTA-I would do the test to shut him up. Is this a new assertion from him? Is he having some kind of mental crisis? This seems out of left field.
arsed_Time_6969
NTA. The elephant in the room. He knew he was infertile and let you think it was you. For years. And years. Then he pulls this now? And this is the love of your life? He must poo candy or something.