'Savior sibling' refuses to take sister in; 'I'm tired of existing just for you.' AITA?
"AITA for telling my sister I'm tired of her taking from me and acting like it's what I was born for?"
ReadyButton550
So I technically was... born for her to take from. I'm a savior sibling and that was the only reason my parents had a second child. They were one and done with my sister but when she was 2 she got sick and so they had me to save her.
Growing up I felt every bit of the lack of interest my parents had in me. I knew before I hit middle school that my parents had me for one reason only. Yet I saw them adore and spoil my sister and make sure she had everything. I grew up watching her grow up with devoted parents while I had none.
Because of the way we were raised my sister and I were never close. She was used to getting what she wanted and being spoiled. I was forgotten until she needed something like blood.
If I ever happened to have something she wanted, you bet my parents let her have it and they had no time for me complaining about it. They had no time for me period. I'm sure on some level they were grateful that I had fulfilled my purpose. But nobody will ever convince me that they love me.
Now we're both in our 20s and my sister has tried to have a relationship. But it's still a lot of her wanting her way and for me to pay for her but she gets to choose where we go and what we do. I'm expected to give her food off my plate.
She ignores when I bring up how our childhood wasn't perfect like she talks about. She brings up how I wasn't present for stuff and in the same sentence will talk about it being the best day.
Eventually I stopped saying yes or if I did, I refused to pay and refused to go along with what she wanted and we saw each other far less. I also heard from her far less. Which to me said she didn't really want a sister she just wanted the person she was used to getting whatever from.
A couple of weeks ago she showed up at my house (where I live with friends and our partners) and she told me she needed a place to stay and attempted to invite herself in.
She looked rough so I told her she could get some food and something to drink but she needed to stay someplace else. I suggested she call our parents. She didn't want to go anywhere else and was trying to befriend my boyfriend and the other partners (since she knew my friends didn't like her).
I made it very clear and insisted she figure something else out. She told me I should be more willing to help her out and why do I never want to do anything for her. I snapped at her saying that and I told her I am so tired of her taking from me and acting like it's what I was born to do.
I told her our parents might have had me for that reason but I'm more than that and I never had a say in any of that and if she wants to talk about things not being fair then she should think more on that.
She had a very explosive reaction and left. She said afterward I suck for blaming her for our parents actions. It just frustrated me because she doesn't acknowledge her own actions in that. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
emptynest_nana
NTA, not even a little bit. If you haven't already, you might want to consider some personal therapy. What your parents did to you, the way they treat you, it is not normal. I bet you have a lot more trauma you haven't begun to process yet.
I am so sorry you lived that life. That is twisted. Build your own family. I am the black sheep, I made my own group of friends who over time are now my brothers and sisters. You can do the same.
The OP responded here:
ReadyButton550
I'm looking for a therapist right now but I'm such a niche market that finding a therapist with the right experience is hard. It's been three years of speaking to different therapists.
But they either admit they wouldn't feel capable of handling an actual savior sibling's issues or they don't tell me and it becomes clear they do not possess the ability to help me heal and some say things that make me feel even more isolated, though not intentionally.
KronkLaSworda
"She said afterward I suck for blaming her for our parents actions. It just frustrated me because she doesn't acknowledge her own actions in that." You're exactly right. She's refusing to accept blame for how selfish she's always acted. That's on her. Forgiveness starts with an apology, and she owes you a big one. NTA to keep her out of your home, which is your safe space.
BoundPrincess84
NTA. I'm genuinely sorry that your parents treated you like spare parts and that they taught your sister to do the same. I would go NC with all of them. I doubt their behavior will ever change and you don't owe any of them anything.
Creepy_Addict
NTA. You weren't blaming her for your parents actions, you were blaming her for her actions. She's spoiled and used to getting her way. The golden child can go stay with her parents.
Petefriend86
NTA. You wouldn't be obligated to house a sibling under normal circumstances. The general rule is that you have to be invited in to be invited in. You are worth so much more than being a blood bank. You deserve to have your own life and your own friends.