'AITA for telling my mom my wedding is not the time or place to try and trick her daughter as a test?'
"AITA for telling my mom my wedding is not the time or place to try and trick her daughter as a test?"
Friendly_Software966
My mom was married to another guy before my dad and she has a daughter Elizabeth (35f) from that marriage. They divorced when Elizabeth was 2 and she met my dad a year later.
My mom's ex-husband was pretty bitter about it and for years they thought it wasn't impacting Elizabeth and he wasn't bringing her into his anger about mom moving on. They found out the truth when mom was pregnant with me (26m).
Elizabeth started saying all kinds of shit about my dad and me and she told mom she wanted her to lose the baby. She told my mom that her and her dad would say prayers for my dad and me to die and for her to be a family with them again.
She also confessed to lying to the neighbor about stuff my dad said. They apparently knew the neighbor had been weird with him/them for a while but had no idea why. She was also lying in school and to her friends parents about my dad being super strict and mean and not letting her do a bunch of stuff.
I know my mom ended up winning full custody by the time I was 1 and her ex was ordered to take parenting classes and therapy. The memories I have of Elizabeth living with us are not pleasant.
She always wished me and dad dead and I remember her wishing other disturbing things on us. She told me she hated me and that I was a mistake on mom's part. She said my dad was a bed warmer who didn't get that he was supposed to leave.
I didn't really know what a lot of stuff meant at the time. But it became clearer with age. She even tore up photos around the house to cut dad and me out. My parents had her in therapy. I remember she used to go a few times a week. Never worked. Then when she was 14/15 she went to live with her dad after she got to decide.
My mom did everything to try and keep helping Elizabeth even though she was at her dads and Elizabeth was supposed to keep going to therapy. Elizabeth told mom she had to choose between her and us (me and dad). Mom told her she wanted us all in her life and Elizabeth said she'd rather watch the two of us die.
Last time I saw Elizabeth was at my high school graduation. Her husband's sister or brother was graduating too. She was still as hateful as ever. I haven't seen her since but my dad saw her twice and she was as cruel to him then as ever.
But my mom hasn't given up that she'll realize what her dad did and that we're not to blame for them not all being a family and that dad and I aren't as bad as her dad made her think.
Elizabeth has started talking to our mutual grandparents again and now my mom and grandparents want to trick Elizabeth into being at my wedding to show her she can be around us.
Mom said it would be a test to see if she can be civil at least and I said no way, that my wedding is not the time or place for that and none of them can come if they insist on trying that.
Mom begged me to reconsider so we could have Elizabeth back. I told her I never had her in the first place to get her back and I'm not letting her daughter ruin my wedding. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Friendly-Buyer-9563
The last 100 times that Elizabeth was near us she wished us dead, but maybe the 101st time she is near us she will be a delight to be around. Even if Elizabeth gradually turns around, she won't make a complete 180 so soon.
So she would still be unpleasant to be around for the foreseeable future. Especially if she gets tricked, I can't fathom why your mother thinks that tricking her is a good idea.
And even if for some reason you would be willing to risk taking abuse from Elizabeth to please your mother, this isn't just your day, your responsibility that day is towards your wife, not towards your mother and I can't see how your wife would ever be fine with this. NTA.
The OP responded here:
Friendly_Software966
My mom wants to prove to Elizabeth that we're good people and she benefits from having us in her life. She wants to prove to Elizabeth that we're not terrible people like she thinks and she can be around us (I mean me and dad specifically).
It seems like she thinks the only way to do it is to force us all to be together. But given Elizabeth's track record, her age, the fact she's a mom, I'm positive my mom would not get her wish.
ABeerAndABook
NTA. Tricking Elizabeth is not the way. Doing it at OP's wedding is an absolutely unhinged and delusional idea. If mom persists in this, I would say her guest status should be reconsidered. Sadly, it sounds like OP may need to arrange for a bouncer to remove any unwanted guests and the person who invited them.
The OP again responded:
Friendly_Software966
I did warn all three of them that they could lose their invitation if they continue with this. Sadly I think I might have to regardless.
Ancient-Awareness115
You could mention to your sister that your wedding is occurring on this day at this place, so that if they do try and trick her, she is aware.
The OP again responded:
Friendly_Software966
Even if I wanted to I would have zero idea on how to reach out to her. But I wouldn't anyway because it would only end badly for me.
Worth-Season3645
NTA…Elizabeth is 35. She is never going to change or feel differently. You are correct. Your wedding is not the place to trick her into coming or try to be one big happy family. It is not going to happen.
CoalwalksandCasinos
NTA. I'm so sorry this happened to you. It must have been horrible to have lived with a sister like that. Do not let her come to your wedding. She will completely ruin it. This may sound extreme, but I would really consider whether your mother should be there at all. While I understand she loves her daughter, the fact that she stood by and let Elizabeth abuse you and your father for decades is disturbing.
Now, she is trying to get someone who wishes you dead to come to one of the happiest days of your life? No, I'm sorry, but your mother is selfish and self absorbed.
Her concern seems to only bel about Elizabeth and as she says, bringing her back into the family. I honestly don't think your refusal to have Elizabeth at the wedding will stop her from trying to ensure that Elizabeth will show up.