'AITA for telling my dad I won't lie to or trick my siblings and his wife crying won't change my mind?'
"AITA for telling my dad I won't lie to or trick my siblings and his wife crying won't change my mind?"
Beautiful_Risk9202
I'm (15m) the oldest in my family and I have three younger siblings Elle (13f), Noa (12f) and Cole (10m). Our mom died six years ago. Our dad remarried three years ago. My dad's wife is Kim.
The day after my dad and Kim got married they told us they wanted Kim to be able to adopt us "in the near future". Kim said she couldn't wait to grow as our bonus mom and she was so excited to have four kids.
She told Cole she was determined to be the best mom he could think of because he wouldn't remember our "birth mother" and promised he wouldn't get to say he grew up never knowing a mothers love.
She also told my sisters and I that she was here to be the best bonus mom and we could talk about our mom still but she really wanted us to give her a chance to be more than "just the wicked old stepmother".
It was a bit over a year later that my dad and Kim tried to get the adoption pushed through. But the judge wanted to do interviews with each of us kids and before that we had to do 10 therapy sessions before these interviews would take place.
It was very different than I expected. I thought we'd simply be asked what we wanted. But it wasn't like that. We did the therapy and then we spoke to the judge. Apparently all four of us said we didn't want Kim to adopt us and my siblings told me they were asked if they ever called Kim mom and they said no.
Kim cried in front of the judge when he told my dad and Kim that he wasn't going to approve the adoption. Dad asked what had gone wrong and the judge told him it wasn't in our best interests.
The next year was a crazy lot of Kim being upset and trying to smother us with love so we'd love her back. Maybe some of my siblings love her, I don't really like her, and that started strongly from the moment she called my mom our birth mother as if she gave us up for adoption instead of dying while we were kids.
And Kim also telling me she felt like I wasn't fair and without my "birth mother" I didn't have a second legal parent or whatever she meant. My dad would also say we were making their lives more difficult. Then he and Kim also had a baby and even after the baby she didn't take her focus off of us and trying to win us around.
Dad started taking us each individually and asking if we'd agree to being adopted if they tried again. Then last month he told me my siblings are copying me and they don't want to look like they're betraying mom or me.
He told me I needed to tell them I'm okay with them being adopted and that I want them to be adopted. He also told me I needed to pretend I'd be adopted too if it came to that.
I said no. Dad yelled at me. Kim cried that night so I guess he told her what I said. Dad gave me a week and brought it up again as well as Kim crying and I told him I won't lie or trick my siblings and I don't care if Kim cries over it or not. I'm not going to make them accept Kim as their adoptive mother. My dad told me I'm not thinking of my siblings at all. He also said Kim didn't deserve this. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Key-Perspective-8354
NTA your father and STEPMOTHER are manipulative a-holes. The "birth mother" is so insulting, your stepmother isn't your mother to begin with. Just ignore them, as the judge says is not in your best interest to be adopted by someone you and your siblings CLEARLY don't love as a mother. Don't let them manipulate you into consenting.
The OP responded here:
Beautiful_Risk9202
That's how I feel and her using that pretty much erased any chance of us having a decent relationship. She still uses it too which adds to how insulting it is in my eyes.
TeenySod
NTA. It might be worth reminding your father that you and your siblings were all asked individually about this (not as a group), which seems to make it clear that they have their own opinions.
Sounds like Kim and your dad need therapy for being so obsessed about what is essentially just a piece of paper as you are living as a blended family anyway, and their manipulative behaviour is very counter-productive. Stand your ground, and hope you have another family member or trusted adult who can support you.
The OP again responded here:
Beautiful_Risk9202
I think Kim sees it as a form of acceptance because none of us are close to her. Especially me. And because none of us call her mom ever.
Prideandprejudice1
Probably not the most mature thing to do but start calling your dad (especially around other people) your “birth father” instead of “dad” and see how he likes it! Or ask your stepmother how she would feel if something was to happen to her, and someone else kept calling her just her daughter’s “birth mother” and trying to erase her existence- bet she wouldn’t like that!
VertsAFeuilles
NTA, and yeah, bonus mum, shouldn’t be calling your mum, your birth mum, it’s disrespectful. You also don’t need her permission to talk about your mum. They can’t force a happy family. Has your dad ever asked you how you truly feel about the situation? What it is you and your siblings want? Forcing you to lie and not caring about your feelings, is poor behaviour from the adult in this situation.
Bonus mum is not respecting your boundaries. Bonus mum has set herself up for hurt, and you, nor your siblings are to blame for her tears. I hope as a family you can come to a solution where you are all happy. Take care.
Again, the OP responded:
Beautiful_Risk9202
He hasn't. But he knows how I feel at least. He knows I don't like his wife and don't really care about her at all. My ideal at this point would be for her to leave me alone because I don't see her as anything but my dad's wife who is disrespectful of my mom with the birth mom comment.
Artistic_Tough5005
NTA I just do not understand these posts about parents remarrying after the death of the other parent and demanding the kids go along with being adopted. Just cause the parent can move on doesn’t mean the kids can.