'AITA for telling my husband to stop financially supporting his adult daughter?' UPDATED
"AITA that i told my husband to stop supporting his adult daughter?"
I (47F) am very frustrated about this and thinking long hard and want to know if my feelings are valid. My husband (54M) keeps supporting his daughter (27F) who’s a single mom. Currently, the daughter lives with her mom and is asking him for help nonstop.
Might it be simple or not. I stopped working for a while due to a very bad accident and is living off pension, my husband earns enough to support us but not to the extreme where he’ll have too much disposable income. Just 6 months ago, the daughter asked for money for dental implants. I happily told my husband to be as generous as he can be since it’s not always the case and she rarely ask for money.
After that first time, she kept asking for more. One time it was grocery, next its day care bills, then phone bills. Just a week ago she asked him to pay some of her bills because she doesn’t have a work now. Its becoming a habit and i think she’s too old to be asking him for support and this needs to stop.
I told my husband how frustrated i am and he was even more upset and disappointed because im being unreasonable he said. Now as of writing, he’s giving her $700 weekly and i just found out yesterday that we are behind rent.
I told him how i see him as a really good father but i dont think its right specially when we can barely pay housing and he just shut me off. Its been 3 days since we stopped talking. AITA??
EDIT: I still pay half of our bills as of today. I lost a leg that’s why im jobless now and still on therapy but im still looking for remote jobs everyday. Its not like i want all of my husband’s money when in 12 years, i was the one paying for most of our bills.
What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:
AhabMustDie said:
$700 weekly?! That’s insane. What bills does she even have, living with her mom? Not $2800 worth, I can tell you that. You need to lay down the law with your husband. First, he meets your shared obligations - rent, bills, retirement contributions, etc. Then, and only then, is he allowed to give a reasonable amount of money to his daughter, if that’s even something you want to continue doing.
Given what sounds like her history of taking advantage, that money should also come with requirements:
that he pay the bills directly, or receive receipts proving she’s using the money for what she says she’s using it for
that there be a limit to how much he gives her
that she presents a plan and timeline for becoming financially independent
It sounds like he’s either operating from a place of guilt (was he not present for part of her childhood maybe?) or, if this is out of character for him, as a result of a possible neurological issue. Either way, this behavior is untenable and kind of unhinged. He needs to know that you mean business, whatever expressing that might look like
IamIrene said:
NTA. He's putting himself and you at financial risk because of his daughter. This is not okay. How will he be able to help her at all if he goes down financially? If he even has a shot at helping her to stabilize, he has to be stable himself so he can assist her when she really needs it.
It's so bad for so many right now but that just means you have to be extra smart about it. Is his daughter working? Is she getting child support? These are things that could remedy her situation or at least help.
If he continues to throw money at her problems, she will lean more and more on him and not learn how to dig herself out. This is a huge disservice to her! Struggle makes people innovative and forces them to become independent and take care of themselves. I'm sorry you're going through this. You are NTA to illuminate the financial danger he's putting himself and you in by giving in to his daughter.
Initial_Act_1448 said:
NTA $700.00 weekly is insane. She is living at her mom’s house and still needs that much weekly?? Why does she have daycare bills if she isn’t working? This is insane I would honestly have a talk with your husband about this I know it can be scary especially when you rely on his income but this is not okay you guys are married and need to agree on money spending like this.
He is a fool for wasting his money on his daughter like that she’s old enough to figure herself out. I understand helping here and there but $700.00 a week is absurd.
Signal_Permit_8940 said:
I think NTA. It’s tricky because him wanting to help support his daughter is obviously very noble, but both financial planes are heading down and he’s gotta put his mask on first before worrying about hers.
This is none of my business, but is there a chance you will be able to begin working again in the future? If so, maybe you could position it as him needing to worry about your own finances now and then once there are two incomes coming in again he will be able to help her again when you guys are on a sturdier financial footing.
AvalonWood said:
NTA. He’s risking your home for his daughter. She’s living with her Mom so I don’t get what she has to pay for that would cost $700 weekly. If she’s paying her Mom rent, then she needs to speak with her Mom and figure out how they can manage that. He’s basically supporting his exes household at this point because you can bet his daughter isn’t paying her Mom more than $700 per week for bills and rent.
Commenters agreed: NTA.
Apparently, OP not only listened to this feedback but also shared it with her husband. She later shared this update on the situation:
Ive shown this to my husband to open up his mind a little and he apologized. He said he needed time to think for days and came up with a solution. He’s cutting her daughter off. She just called to remind him about the weekly allowance and when he said we can’t afford right now she just started crying hysterically and told us how selfish we are. All this while knowing how we are now behind rent.
To those asking, yes she knows about the accident. She even knows now we are behind rent but still blames us as to why she wont be getting support anymore. My husband used to say i have a patience of a saint and i just cracked now because it’s too much.
We need to care for our own son too BUT since he’s still being supportive and everything is being taken care of in regards of our kid i didn’t feel the need to include him in the equation. He’s a good dad and that will never change.
I messaged his ex to know how much she’s charging her for rent so we could do half she was surprised because she’s not charging her anything and is frustrated because all she does is party every weekend. Apparently it’s not dental implants he paid for, it’s veneers and just cosmetic. Thank you, all! My husband and I are going to counseling but he apologized and that’s a big step.