'My wife asked me for an open marriage, I asked for divorce. Am I reacting too fast?' UPDATED 2X

When you want out, you want out. It's as simple as that.

"My wife asked for open marriage, I asked for divorce."

I'm wondering if I have jumped the gun or have been reasonable here. We have been married for twelve years now. Things have always been great without any particular up or down. My wife has always been a kind, sweet woman and up until this I thought the world of her. And then she went and broached the talk about open marriage.

"What if we consider opening up marriage?" because all her friends did it and it's 2024. I didn't get angry or anything like that, I just listened and offered my counters. I asked if her friends are influencing her into this, she said no. I asked if she already had someone in mind, she said no.

I asked her to give me some time to think about and she agreed, stating we don't have to do it if I'm not up for it. I shouldn't have, but in the days after I checked her phone and laptop: nothing suspicious or that suggest she was cheating already. Last week I told her I thought about it and in my opinion she can date anyone she wants, because I want a divorce.

Cue the sobbing, the begging and all "If I knew I wouldn't have even asked". She refuses to move out and so do I, so I sleep in the guest room. She's taken sick from work and every time I am home she keeps begging to talk and go back to the bedroom with her.

I believe her friends actually tried to influence her and she didn't do anything at all, but this unraveled my perception of her.

Was I too fast to mention divorce?

Commenters were quick with their thoughts.

ProblematicAndCrazy wrote:

Idk if you were too fast but honestly, you almost never see a relationship start monogamous, open up, and succeed, and there's a reason for that. If my wife suggested opening my marriage that's where I would go too.

That tells me I'm not enough, and I am not going to waste my life struggling to be enough for the person who married me, therefore telling me that who I am is what she wanted to spend her life with. Idk if it would happen right away but it certainly would make the eventuality of divorce infinitely more likely.

OP responded:

That's exactly what I feel.

New_Arrival9860 wrote:

She may not have done anything yet, but she had someone in mind. I don’t think you were too fast, as your actions made your position on cheating and the consequences of cheating crystal clear. I would ask her about who she had in mind, and where this came from.

What would she have done if you said yes? What would she have done if you had a date the very next day ? Why was she willing to risk her marriage, and for who.

OP responded:

Good points. TBH I don't think that fantasizing about someone else is that end marriage kind of crime. But if she had made serious plans it's another thing.

Purple_Bishop2 wrote:

Her saying we don’t have to open up the marriage if you don’t want to is just a way for her to make the ask seem less harsh. The damage was already done however by asking in the first place.

After that ask, I would always feel like I had to look over my shoulder for the train wreck barreling down on me.

You may have gone from zero to one hundred, but did the right thing IMO.

Novellastar1934 wrote:

As a woman, this is an odd way to bring it up if it’s a new found kink or something. She didn’t say “hey, I’ve been thinking about x,y and z…Would you be into that too?” She just flat out said it’s 2024 and why wouldn’t we?

Either she has cheated, she’s going to cheat or her friends pressured her into thinking this is what a relationship should be in 2024. I don’t know if it’s the right move for me but you sound like you know what you want and don’t want and that’s all you need to know.

CurlyCurler wrote:

Maybe try posting this in an open marriage sub and see what they say? You’re just going to get confirmation bias by posting here. You said she was gullible and suspected that her friends were pushing the idea AND you have yet to find any evidence of her already cheating or having someone in mind. If all of that is true then this seems like an issue you can work on together in couples therapy.

Two days later, OP shared an update.

I wasn't jumping the gun. She was cheating, emotionally and planning to do so physically. I checked her phone and computer and found nothing. But she came forward with a second phone I had no idea she even had. She thought I already knew, that's why she came out with it. Just as I was starting to regret my decision.

Her friends sweet talked her into it, apparently those "open marriages" are just their affairs. The things I saw are stomach churning. She begs to be given a second chance and a part of me is foolishly considering to give it to her. But it's not the right thing to do. I don't want to leave her, but I have to for the sakè of my dignity, pride and self-respect. That I love her has become irrelevant.

The internet had OP's back.

Wisesize wrote:

You don't need to make a decision this very moment. I would take some space and serious time, but just me as I have impulsive tendencies. Certainly put yourself first. I say this as someone who discovered an emotional affair several weeks ago. I'm still processing it and still get hit with moments of anger. I printed divorce papers today just so I have them.

OP responded:

I think that if I dwell on it too much I might risk changing my mind on the rightful thing to do (divorce). I am gutted and I don't want to lose her, but I am relieved that my instinct was correct.

Purple_Bishop2 wrote:

Infidelity can be overcome if there is true remorse- but you gotta go with your gut here.

OP responded:

I think she is genuinely remorseful, but why should we stay together after this? It's not right.

OP on if the families have found out about his wife’s request for open marriage

I'll do that only out of mercy because if my family finds out she'll be finished in our town. The rest is bulls#$t though. I never cheated, never thought about it, never strayed; and even if I admit I do still love her, I won't stay in a marriage that has become a farce. Not middle east, Europe, but my family is still important, and at this point it matters more than our marriage.

HappinessSuitsYou wrote:

I don’t blame you OP. if you stayed, she would have to drop all her friends. Is she willing to do that?

OP responded:

She already said she will drop them, and I think she will. But again, for me she can do anything she wants, away from me.

nousernameiknowof wrote:

You are absolutely justified to divorce. People just don't randomly bring stuff like this up. She was making plans and has someone she wants to sleep with. Funny how people were saying she was innocent. If a husband or wife should ever bring up open marriages, you should absolutely suspect that person and investigate.

Two weeks later, OP shared another update.

This is not a good or satisfactory update. I was in the process of talking to a lawyer when someone very close to me passed away in a car accident. So everything has stopped for now.

My wife wanted to organize the funeral, and although I made an effort to stop her she still did. She says my behavior is not fair because this person was like a son to her as well and in a moment like this we should stick together. Then she doesn't care if I divorce her or not.

Again I reiterated she's free to do whatever she wants as long as she does it away from me, and since she wouldn't respect nor honor my grief I stopped talking to her altogether. She could talk, cry or complain all she wanted but I wouldn't respond. Two days ago I took my relative's ashes and moved in the apartment above my restaurant.

My brother is the bartender and I instructed him and our employees to turn away my wife if she comes here. She tried blowing up my phone saying that taking the ashes was a low blow and we should stick together in this tragedy, I just blocked her. I won't update anymore, I just want to be alone in my grief and then get things over with my wife.

The internet offered up support for OP.

Bob_Barker4ever wrote:

So sorry this happened. Losing someone you love leaves a gap in your heart. On top of everything else it must feel like you’re drowning in emotions. Glad you took yourself out of your wife’s orbit. Take good care of yourself. Remember to drink water, eat healthy foods, and stay away from too much alc*hol.

Scary-Inspector-8315 wrote:

I am so sorry for your loss man.

Hope you stick around even if you don’t update.

Sending hugs and love.

TaiwanBandit wrote:

Sorry for your loss OP. Use this sub as a journal to get your thoughts out and help you wade through the trauma of her betrayal and too soon death of someone close to you. Sending you strength in these most difficult times. Take care of you OP. Internet hug.

deryq wrote:

Man I think this whole thing lacks an any evidence of maturity or a history of healthy conversation. Your wife’s friends were definitely influencing her, even if they weren’t intentionally. Having people around you like that normalizes something. Makes it seem like it could be worth considering. Maybe even have a harmless f#$king conversation. It’s obvious that your pride was hurt and you decided to punish her.

You’re intentionally hurting her even more by attempting to alienate her from her loved one’s funeral as well. I hope you get the help and therapy you definitely need. I hope this event is the catalyst for your wife to recognize how bad she’s had it with you. She deserves to be married to someone that can process their emotions like an adult, and communicate about hard topics.

Arthritisankle wrote:

What was the point of taking the ashes? Seems really spiteful. You’re gonna lose the moral high ground if you’re petty and it might come back to bite you in the ass when the divorce happens.

Edit: I’m assuming the ashes are from the person that she’s organizing the funeral for?