'The women at my job made a list of the hottest guys and left me off of it.' UPDATED 2X
No one likes to feel unattractive, even if attractiveness isn't their main focus.
"The women at my job made a list of the hottest guys and left me off of it."
So here’s the deal: I[21m] work at a store part time while I’m attending classes. There a total of 21 of us who work at this store, 13 girls, 8 guys, and we’re all around the same age. We have a pretty good working atmosphere, no open hostility so far I know and everyone gets along well, and jokes around with everyone. Though I will say, the guys and girls do tend to stick together more.
As for me, I’m fairly well liked by everyone, I try and be pleasant to everyone I work with because who needs an AH co-worker? Unfortunately here’s where things go bad. One of the guys who work us Chris [23m] is dating one of the girls in the store Ashley[21f]. Chris was apparently BSing on her phone when he came across the girls’ group chat.
He said it was mostly girl talk, but he found a list ranking all of the guys in the store by their “hotness.” He had a laugh about it and screenshotted it to send to our group chat. Everyone saw it and had a laugh at the rankings, the guy at the top Chad [22m], kept sending crown emojis.
Then everyone noticed I wasn’t there, I didn’t look at the chat till later since I was with my parents at the time and had it on mute. When I saw I wasn’t on the list it was like I was slapped across the face. And the worst part of this? The list was out of ten, and they included the three delivery guys who drop off stuff and some of the girls flirt with.
This crushed me, in a way I don’t think I’ve ever been crushed before. It’s like d*mn, I’m that much of a hideous monster that I’m not worthy of being ranked. I spent the rest of my day being miserable, and not talking to anyone. When I wasn’t responding to the chat, the guys all tried to hit me up individually, but I didn’t respond.
I looked into the chat and the guys were starting to be pissed on my behalf, which I definitely didn’t want. I decided to call in sick the next day, and when I didn’t show up apparently it all came out into the open. The girls at the store started messaging me, apologizing to me and making all kinds of excuses, quite frankly, I didn’t care. I decided to face the music the next day and suck it up at work.
When I walked in to work the atmosphere was a lot more tense than it usually was. Becky[23f] who is the assistant manager and was on the group chat pulled me to the side and asked if we could talk, I said okay. She apologized on behalf of everyone in the chat and said that the list was not serious. It was girl talk, and not meant to be seen outside the chat.
She said that everyone, especially the women at the store “like me for far more valuable things than simply how I look”, and that if it were a list of nicest guys in the store, I’d be #1. I couldn’t help but feel like this was damage control and being friend zoned all in one motion. I said thank you, but I’m past it and I don’t want anyone’s pity and I went about my day.
Of course, I did end up getting that pity with a lot of the guys coming over to talk to me, and some of the girls as well. I got so fed up I went to the manager and asked to go home early, she agreed because she kinda knew what was going on. This was all about five days ago and since then everyone at the store has been trying to get me to talk, but I haven’t gone back. I don’t want pity and I don’t want sympathy.
If they think I’m ugly, then fine, but don’t try and justify it, or make me feel better about it. The reason I’m here is because I need advice on how to navigate the situation at my job and with my friends. How do I tell everyone to basically leave me alone and not pity me? Because honestly I'm leaning towards just quitting.
Not long after posting, OP shared an update.
Edit: Hey everyone I'm reading your comments and I thank everyone for their input, the tough love and all. I just wanted to pop in here and say one thing. I didn't feel entitled to them thinking I was hot. I don't feel entitled to sex or whatever from them. I'm not a nice guy or an incel.
The reason I was upset is because them leaving me off the list for relative strangers felt pretty cruel and messed up. I don't know how to describe it. Like it guess it sucks I'm not attractive to them, but being left off entirely felt like a step too far.
Commenters had a lot to say in response.
Substantial_Tough325 wrote:
So sorry that happened to you op. I hope those girls all get a reprimand of some kind. That was NOT ok and HR should have been involved. In all seriousness, your looks do not dictate who you are or your value. Without seeing a photo, no one else can judge either. So let's make a new list.
You're friendly and open to valued communication 2. You have handled your emotions well and empathetic 3. You're clearly working and driven 4. You set a boundary and stuck to it. You're a GOOD human. That's pretty top notch in my book! Looks fade, nasty dispositions usually don't.
OP responded:
Wow, okay seriously thank you. This really got to me, you have a way with words friend. I hope someone makes your day like you made mine.
Whatforreal wrote:
Rooting for you, kid. I am actually ugly and have always been left out of all those kinds of lists and discussions. It sucks, its hard. But you're smart and strong. Hope you find a kinder work place.
OP responded:
I don't mean this in an empty, nice way, but you're not ugly friend. The world just doesn't see your beauty. I hope you find your peace.
delayed_bum wrote:
That f#$king sucks. The guy who was at the top was named Chad? That’s almost too perfectly coincidental to be real. There’s nothing left to do except quit and find an new job and forget any of those people existed.
OP responded:
I've seen this a couple times now, it's just a fake name lol. As in he's a Chad for being at the top of the list.
Five days later, OP shared an update.
Hey everyone, I’m back and boy do I have an update for you. I can’t believe this situation exploded so much, there was a fight, arr*sts and I think someone might be getting divorced!
Okay not really….
People wanted to know how I was doing, so I decided I'd just make an update. I just wanted to clear up a few things. First, I didn’t care necessarily if they found me ugly or whatever, I just felt like being left off the list was a deliberate slap in the face. I didn’t, or don’t feel entitled to anything. Next the manager of the store (Barb) was not involved in the group chat in anyway.
She’s a 38-year-old married woman with two kids who is far too busy trying to get us to stop smoking w**d behind the store on our breaks. What I meant to say is that she was made aware of the situation after it was brought to her attention. Third, I wasn’t aware of the list right away, I was with my parents and wasn’t paying attention to the chat.
Now, after reading the comments on the first thread, I decided that while I could be upset that I was deemed unattractive, I probably shouldn’t care as much I did. I kinda wanted to discover why not being on the list hurt me so much, so I took my sister’s advice and will be seeking a therapist. Funny enough my grandpa has a saying that came to mind when reading the comments in the first thread.
Whenever my dad or his brothers and sisters would be upset about something, my grandpa would tell them: “ I didn’t get wounded in the La Drang Valley so you could sit there and cry about “x.” The “x” could be anything, the point is he was telling them to toughen up. It became a joke among my aunts and uncles that passed down to my cousins.
So I could hear my grandpa telling me in head: “I didn’t get wounded in the Ia Drang valley so you could sit there and cry about some girls thinking you’re ugly”. And that got me up a bit. I was stilling feeling kinda sh#$ty, but I decided to put on a brave face and tell my manager I’d come into work the next day(after posting the thread).
As soon as I walked in, the manager took me to her office and said the owner of the store wanted to see me. I wasn’t really worried since I had a good relationship with Carl, who was the owner. Carl, told me he heard about the story and he was sorry about everything, he said the list was childish and unprofessional and he was sorry I had to take time off to deal with it.
He said the girls all got a strong reprimand and a stern warning that this wouldn’t be tolerated in the future. He also suspended Becky because he said she should have not been in the chat to begin with and if she was, she should stopped the list stuff. He also emphasized that he told everyone that he hadn’t talked to me yet, and that he wasn’t punishing anyone because I asked for it.
He also said he’d pay me for the shifts I missed as a bit of compensation for the mental distress. I thanked him and told him I was over it pretty much right away, I just hated having everyone think I needed coddling and wanted everything to cool down. With that, we shook hands and I started my day. Everyone welcomed me back, and I said hey to everyone.
I went to my locker and found a letter slipped inside. It was a handwritten letter from all the girls. I’ll summarize here because the list was long: In it they apologized profusely for the chat and the list. They said that nothing was going to make it right, or make me believe them, but they wanted to say once again, the list was nonserious and meant to be some stupid fun. And no one was meant to see it.
They said that they all loved me individually, that I was a good person and that makes me more attractive than most people who are considered “hot”. Interestingly, they said I was considered “cute”. Okay, then lol. I flagged down one of the girls on shift who I get along with really well, Sam [20f], to tell the group that I accept their apology.
I told her to tell them that I got over it pretty much right away, that I just took time off because I wanted the situation to die down and that I didn’t take anything personally. Also I told her that I’m sorry that anyone got in trouble, I didn’t talk to the Barb or Carl about anything until today. I didn’t want this to become an issue at all, unfortunately the guys made it an issue on my behalf.
Sam apologized again and told me she’d tell everyone. And that’s that. Sorry if this was not the explosive post you all were looking for, I just wanted to get this situation resolved as soon as possible and put behind me so that I, and everyone else can move on. I am thinking about not returning next semester however. So thanks all, I appreciate your comments and helping me get through this little episode in my life.
The internet continued to share their thoughts on the situation.
lizeken wrote:
Still warms my heart that the guys stood up for you, though! I’m glad this sorta got handled as professionally as possible, but I totally understand you not wanting to go back next semester. Even though they apologized, there’s always gonna be that awkward tension between them. We appreciate the update OP.
Cmonlightmywire wrote:
Reasonable outcome, glad you've move past it. As for the guys making it an issue. You need to understand they were 1000% right to do so. There's infinite people out there to rank on hotness. Picking your coworkers to objectify is both stupid and creates an uncomfortable environment. Everyone learned their lesson. Explosive posts may make for good drama, but this is better for everyone.
Has422 wrote:
“I didn’t get wounded in la Drang valley so you could sit there and cry” … it’s now going to be in my head from now on too. Thanks grandpa. 🙂
pataconconqueso wrote:
Having had taken the managers CA guide go handling s#xual harassment complaint the day of your post, the guys didn't make a big deal out of it. Like literally your scenario with the same genders was a case study in my class, someone had to report it because it was h*rassment.