'Spouse's entitled friend insists on staying with us and being chauffeured everywhere.' UPDATED 3X

Guests, like fish, begin to smell after a few days -- and if they're entitled guests? They smell from the start.

"Spouse's entitled friend insists on staying with us and being chauffeured around everywhere."

Whew boy, I had no idea people could be this unaware. My spouse's childhood friend announced a year ago that they were coming to our country and intended to stay with us. We tentatively said OK.

Recently, we found out that my mother requires a significant medical procedure, will be hospitalized for a few days to a week and recovering with us after (the three of us live together as roommates with bills split equally, essentially). This procedure falls smack dab into the middle of spouse's friend's trip.

I told my spouse to tell their friend about the circumstances and that this would severely impact any sightseeing plans we had and I would be out for the duration of the trip between work and taking care of my mom. My spouse's friend, despite driving for many years in their home country, did not want to drive while here and expected us to ferry them around.

I had hoped that, like most normal people, the friend would pick up on the fact that this is not a good time to visit us and make alternate arrangements (i.e. drive a car), but instead they said "well, as long as I get to see X while here, I'm fine." I should probably explain that my spouse is a VERY new driver and just got their license a month ago and has little experience driving freeways.

They were/still are terrified of these. I do most of the driving as a result while they are getting comfortable. Said friend arrived on Monday and since then:

Expected to be picked up from the airport (a 2 hour drive each way) and spouse, the new driver, had to drive in horrific traffic to get them (I was busy with appointments for my mom and work)

Did not offer gas money to my spouse for driving all that way to get them.

• Expects to be driven to sightsee each day, again, never offers gas money or pays for anything

• When in our house, has the TV up loud in the one room I enjoy hanging out in (outside of our bedroom)

• Doesn't pick up after themselves

• Has not offered to pay for a single meal

• Does not even pay for their own meals or drinks, save for one meal, so now we're paying to feed another adult. Should also mention that this friend has money, so it is not even a case of not having money.

• When taken to sightsee, never says thank you and even complained about one place my spouse took them to.

• Takes long showers without even asking if we need the bathroom before.

• Does not offer to help with anything in the house.

• Refuses to arrange for their own sightseeing and is entirely dependent on my spouse (who I'd like to have around to support me during this stressful time, but do not want to be around the friend so therefore I don't get my spouse).

• Lectures my spouse on the politics and social norms of our country, despite the fact that my spouse has lived here for 4 years and knows more than said friend does.

• Friend is a total social drain to be around and only wants to talk about themselves and their thoughts/complaints.

• Friend has not once said thank you to us for hosting or driving or paying for their meals.

• Friend is staying for 13 days total, all with us, all with the expectation of us driving them.

I have social anxiety (spouse knows this) and have had to give up my two favorite spaces in the whole house so the friend has a place to sleep and a place to hang out when they're not in the bedroom.

I work from home and had to relocate my work set-up (previously in the guest room) to another part of the house which was and is a major inconvenience as work is crazy right now and I'm having to balance taking care of my mom with that.

The last 6 days have been hell and I feel like I have no peace in my own home, especially after a long day of having to be social while working and then having to continue that because of this houseguest.

The next 6 days will also be h*ll as this friend simply will not take a hint and I've got the stress of dealing with my parent who is having a procedure that has a 10% fatality rate and given her health conditions, complications could happen. Of course, knowing this friend, they probably would not take a hint then either and would probably still expect my spouse to drive them places.

As it is, my spouse asked if they and the friend should come up to the hospital to visit my mom, to switch I said my spouse should, but not if the friend is going to be clinging to them like a sad puppy.

I have talked to my spouse and they agree that the friend is a drain, they're not happy either, but they are trying to stick it out until the friend leaves and have already said the friend will not be allowed to stay here again. It is clear to me that the friend is massively taking advantage of my spouse and I hate to see it.

I'm just flabbergasted that people like this even exist as every other houseguest we've ever had has been considerate, occupies themselves, arranges for their own transportation, and genuinely seems to care about our lives as we care about theirs. This friend is one of the most entitled people I've ever had the displeasure of meeting.

Shortly after posting, OP shared an update.

UPDATED 1: just want to clarify a few things. 1) I am not paying for anything for the friend, I put my foot down, my spouse is paying from his own funds 2) I told my spouse that I thought their friend should make an alternate arrangement after I found out about my mom's procedure, and that I was in no place mentally or emotionally to have someone staying with us

3) I told my spouse that at the very least, friend needs to drive themselves, not put all that burden on spouse, and I really need my spouse to be there to support me at the hospital. I did try to cancel this friend coming here, but it fell on deaf ears.

People did not hold back their feelings on the situation.

originalmango wrote:

Throw this “friend” out. Walk up to him, look him right in the eye and tell him he can no longer stay at your place and will have to leave now. Not tomorrow, not soon, not when he can, but now. If you want to be kind you can tell him between your mom’s health and your stress he’s gotta go.

If he says anything at all other than “Okay, I’m leaving” tell him you’re finished discussing this and to get the f#$k out of your house. He can get a hotel room, he can get a taxi, he can do whatever he wants but he has to leave now. The worst thing that will happen? He’ll never bother you two again.

OP responded:

The friend is no friend of mine--I have barely interacted with him because I have zero tolerance for entitled people and he just screamed entitled from the first time I met him. I've literally put up with him because of my spouse. However, I think this whole situation may end spouse's friendship as even they're getting fed up and are upset at how upset I've been.

There's not much transportation around here, but the friend could get a bus or rent a car and drive themselves. There's plenty of hotel rooms and he can certainly afford them. These are all things I've said to my spouse who apparently is afraid to rock the boat and say these things to their friend.

Fingerprintfile513 wrote:

I'm flabbergasted you would let this happen in the first place. Why wouldn't you cancel the trip when your mom got sick?? At the very least, confront them about sponging off you and tell them you will need them to kick up some money for the second week of their stay.

Print out some self-guided walking tours of your city and point this person to the nearest bus/tram stop. Remember people, no one can take advantage of you unless you let them.

OP responded:

You're totally right. I did tell my spouse when I heard about my mom's procedure that I thought the friend should make alternate arrangements and that it was not a good time for them to still come to our house and also expect spouse or I to drive. Again, most decent people would catch onto the situation and make alternate plans, I know I would. They didn't and still came.

I'm a recovering people pleaser and my therapist has encouraged me to put up boundaries and take care of myself. I have gotten better at that, but my spouse has not and is still far too giving. I think the fact that it's a childhood good friend of theirs is probably clouding the judgment again.

We will have another talk tonight about this situation and what needs to be done. I am honestly tempted to book a hotel for myself to stay in this week, which is ridiculous considering this is my own damn home.

Frog_Lover618 wrote:

You need to put your foot down and say something about this situation or it’s only going to get worse. Stop paying for everything. You are an adult and have the ability to say no. And no is a full sentence. You don’t need to explain anything. If they’re still disrespectful, tell them they are no longer welcome in your home.

You are not a doormat, yet you’re allowing this person to walk all over you and your peace. I understand not being confrontational, but this situation warrants confrontation.

OP responded:

Totally agree. I have put my foot down on paying for things myself. I straight up refuse to. It's my spouse who hasn't and is too nice to say anything, though I think even they are reaching their limit. Our finances are separated, we pay for the household bills but things like extra food, days out, our personal bills etc. we have our own money for.

I'm in a good spot financially with ample savings, but my spouse makes half of what I do and essentially lives paycheck to paycheck. They simply cannot afford to pay for meals and daily activities for another grown a** adult who has their own money.

Flex_capacity wrote:

My ex husband did this to me. My mother had just passed away and I was dealing with heavy family fallout. I just said no - tell them to stay somewhere else. He failed to do this and they messaged me the day before about their arrival and I apologised but told them to go somewhere else. Marriage only lasted a short while after that.

OP responded:

Ugh, this is legit my fear. My mom is not low risk and has lived through so many surgeries, she is lucky to still be here and we don't know when that luck runs out. If the worst happens, I will need support and I will NOT want spouse's friend around.

As it is, even if all goes well, I am so angry at my spouse right now that I don't know when/if I'll get over this anger and resentment. I'm sorry your ex was such an a*s.

After receiving lots of feedback, OP jumped on with another update.

UPDATE 2: thank you everyone for your responses and tough love. It gave me the courage to finally stand up for myself in this situation rather than just shutting up and taking it. My spouse now better understands how they screwed up and how to fix it.

We have a plan to move forward. Things aren't perfect, but I feel more optimistic. There will be an update post, probably tomorrow, of what happened and the fallout.

A few days later, OP shared a longer update.

People were asking for an update to this debacle, so here it is. After the original post and seeing the comments, I got even more angry at the situation. I felt very hurt/disappointed by my spouse's inability to put the needs of his spouse above a friend he rarely sees in person.

I felt like I was not the priority and neither was my mom in a very vulnerable time. I simply could not tolerate the situation anymore. Everyone's responses shook some sense into me and made me determined to not be a doormat any longer. Because I was exhausted and had already told my spouse of my feelings, I essentially gave my spouse the cold shoulder.

I avoided interacting with them and the friend. I refused to buy any food even for my spouse. I looked after my mom, spent lots of time with her, and made plans. When we finally talked later that day, I told spouse that I was getting a hotel room 5 mins from the hospital and would be staying there until I felt comfortable in my own home, if that was several days, so be it.

They asked if I was doing it to avoid them, I said no, I was simply done with the stress of the situation and did not care to be around the friend. By the next morning, I think they finally realized the gravity of the situation and just how upset I was. They offered to help the friend to fly home sooner, I said why is the only option you driving them everywhere or them having to fly home?

Are they that incapable that they cannot get a hotel and their own transportation? Spouse mentioned the cost of a hotel, to which I said I know friend has money, they can afford it and why travel to another country if they had no money to pay for accommodations? I told spouse that until friend is gone, I am staying at a hotel down the road from the hospital.

I told spouse that I felt incredibly hurt and angry that I was not the priority in an extremely stressful time in my life, that spouse did not listen when I told them to tell the friend to make other plans than staying with us, that in trying to keep us both "happy" spouse deeply hurt me, their partner in life. I told spouse that they were not there for me when I needed them the most and could not be as long as they were catering to the friend.

Spouse revealed they felt backed into a corner with the friend and like they had to keep us both happy. They also revealed the friend is known for sometimes having tantrums if they don't get their way (I was never told about this until now). Spouse said they'd talk to the friend about leaving, but still proceeded to drive them all day yesterday out of obligation.

Spouse has told me how worried they are about me, but the fact it took this much talk to get them to realize their mistakes...well, I don't know. My mom's surgery yesterday was successful, but it was stressful and ran longer than planned. I was alone in the waiting room as my siblings are all out of state. It was hard, but I am relieved my mom is recovering well.

And, yes, I spent the night in a hotel as promised as I was just drained after the long day. Spouse talked to their friend today and broke the news that they could not continue to drive the friend and that they needed to either fly back sooner or get accommodations elsewhere.

My spouse is currently driving the entitled friend to their hotel in another city and is helping them get adjusted by essentially handholding them on transportation options. Spouse is still far too kind for their own good. Friend has yet to say thanks or contribute anything financially for all of the things spouse has done. Spouse said now the friend will be gone so "you can be happy."

I do not know if he meant this to guilt trip me, but it kinda felt that way. Except I'm not happy. I'm still disappointed it even took this much for my spouse to do the right thing. I am still angry and hurt.

I am hopeful that we can move past this in our relationship as there is a lot of love and support normally, this situation was just a massive f-up and spouse is remorseful, but I do not know how long it will take me to forgive and trust my spouse again to be there for me. I will be talking about it in therapy and will likely ask about marital counseling.

Something needs to change and my spouse needs to learn when and how to say no. So yeah, that's the update. I may still do another day or two in the hotel to give myself the time and space to recover from a hellish week and a half.

This whole experience has taught me to stick up for myself and not allow others to walk all over me. Thank you all, for giving me the strength to put my needs above people pleasing.

Commenters were deeply invested in the outcome.

SamuelVimesTrained wrote:

The best thing here, your mom's surgery was a success. Wishing her speedy recovery.

And for you, i wish clarity in how to move forward. It looks like you’ll need it.

OP responded:

He literally said that he was a jerk for what he did when I said he's too kind, I said no, you're too kind to your entitled friend and you were a jerk to me.

shmoesfome wrote:

There is being kind and there is being weak and a coward. Your spouse is willing to compromise your relationship instead of rightfully confronting this so called friend. They allowed this person to take advantage of both of you. They allowed this person to interfere during such a stressful time. To impede on your space and disrespect you both.

This was a time your spouse should have been supporting you. Instead they spent it bending over backwards to please this self absorbed cow. How you still have any respect or trust for your spouse is beyond me.

OP responded:

That's just it. I lost so much respect and trust for my spouse and it's a devastating feeling on top of the anxiety I have over my mom and her recovery.

If you had asked me a week ago, I would have said I trusted and respected my spouse 100% and felt protected and loved by them, and now there is this feeling of "I can't believe they let me down so totally, and for what? A friend that treats them like s#$t?" There is something very broken in this situation and it must be fixed for us to have a healthy relationship again.

Convenient_Disaster wrote:

Happy things went well with your mother’s surgery. Why wasn’t your spouse at the hospital to support you instead of driving this “friend” around? It shows a definite lack of concern for your mother too. Take some time to think about your relationship with your partner. Is this a one off situation? Has there been other things that you’ve ignored in how you’ve been treated?

I would be very blunt with your spouse and say that even with this friend gone, it’s not going to just magically make you happy again. I would insist on marriage counseling, and individual counseling for yourself. It’ll help how to communicate more effectively and set boundaries.

OP responded:

The friend came here mostly for a certain "event" that happened yesterday. They counted on my spouse to drive them to said event. My spouse still should have been there for at least part of the surgery.

The frustrating thing is this is a one-off situation. My spouse is normally the most caring and attentive partner who will do anything for me. Before this situation, I would have said my spouse is an incredible partner and we've got a rock solid, happy supportive marriage. That's why I was shocked at the obliviousness of my spouse in what support I needed here.

I already am in individual counseling and it has been incredible for my mental health. My spouse needs IC as well because I suspect there are some issues from childhood that are contributing to his need to people please and his fear of abandonment. My therapist seems to think so, too.

JustNKayce wrote:

Your spouse didn't want friend to have a "temper tantrum"? Why would they be friends that has temper tantrums as an adult. You did the right thing! And don't feel the least bit of guilt about it.

OP responded:

The friend is a high functioning autistic adult. They are not used to being told no by anyone. I understand not being neurotypical (I am not either) but I firmly believe in not using one's mental differences as an excuse for being an a$s. From everything my spouse has told me, this friend has always been catered to.

Beyond being around as a friend when my spouse's parents split, I do not understand what my spouse gets out of the friendship as everything my spouse has told me shout the friend shouts "not a good friend."

Green7000 wrote:

Wow, guilt trippy much? "Now that friend is gone maybe you can be happy?" Did he tell friend to leave because friend's actions were unacceptable or did he throw you under the bus the whole way?

OP responded:

He may or may not have said "spouse needs my support, she needs space at home and gets stressed out with people here." to be fair, I gave him full permission to tell the friend that. Anything to get the friend out.

It looks like this situation resolved, but the larger question around this marital dynamic still hangs in the balance.