6 people share the wild encounters that made them hate geese.
What is good for the goose is good for the gander, but what about us featherless friends?
Animal lover or not, if you've been to a public park or spent time around a pond, you have probably had some type of unpleasant interaction with these, often aggressive, birds. Animal nature is animal nature, but many people agree, geese can be real terrors. Sit back, take a break and enjoy these crazy Reddit stories of horrible encounters some people had when butting beaks with geese.
1. Goslings of the Corn
When I was little I used to play in one of my grandparents barns. There was this huge pit of feed corn in there that I could just swim around in. But not for long. The corn apparently belonged to the geese.
If they detected my presence they would come after me like a bunch of Jurassic Park velociraptors, hissing. You know those nightmares where you have to run away but you're just moving too slow? That was me, wading through corn up to my chest.
2. Carpe Eat'em
Oh man, we had some kind of carp or something in our little lake. Every spring there would be adorable little mallard ducklings, and one day I was just chilling by the lake in between classes, watching the little parade of ducklings following along behind their mother.
One duckling was lagging behind, and I watched it drift around kind of awkwardly for a little while... Until suddenly a miniature whirlpool opened up beneath it and the duckling got sucked in! Then I saw the biggest goddamn carp surface just slightly and then dive back down. Fucker just sucked up a duckling like it was nothing! Goddamn sea monster.
We also had a skunk infestation. They were everywhere. I was playing zombie tag in the middle of the night one time, and ducked into some bushes to hide. Of course I come face to face with a stripey stink machine, so I back out slowly not letting it out of my sight, and someone tags me just as I get free.
I say 'dude idc just get me away from that fucking skunk!' Then everyone pretty much freaked out and ran off. Another time a bunch of idiot frat boys decided to torment a skunk... They all got sprayed for it. Smelled terrible outside my room for the longest time.
3. Harold Goes to College
His name was Harold, a typical Greylag goose. He was owned by my college and I was on duty trying to refill his feeder. I knelt down in his pen and heard a hissing sound, turned my head and there he was, about 3 inches from my face, and he struck at me so I jumped out of the way.
I just bonked him lightly on the beak, gave him some stern words and then he backed off and that was that. Harold was a good boy really - I had a lot of love for him unlike the other students.
4. An Exercise in Squawking
Wow I actually get to tell this story. A few years back I tried a new jogging route that took me past the nest of an abnormally aggressive goose. For a while it just squawked at me, but eventually it got the idea that I was out for his chicks or something.
So there I am, taking my normal jogging route, preparing for the squawking, when I see him just standing there, sans squawk. This didn't last for long.
He took off and started flying after me. The squawking commenced, and he started dive bombing me. Fortunately it didn't bite me or anything, but suffice to say, being dive bombed by a goose is an unpleasant experience.
In my panic I decided I had to do something about this, so I get my eye on him. This time as he swooped down I punched him right in his chest and ran away before he could get up. It was fucking bizarre, and I regret nothing. TL;DR: Geese hate being punched.
5. The Walking Goose
Went goose hunting with my dad once, I was pretty young - 9 or 10 years old. He managed to shoot one. We get home with the dead goose, he hauls it up to the kitchen counter to clean it I guess, and when he put his hand on the chest of the goose it let out a long drawn out hooooooooonk.
I was certain we were about to die at the hands (wings?) of a zombie goose.
6. Attack of the Bread
Many years ago my mother attempted a sacrifice to the geese at the zoo. I was 6 at the time and everything still fascinated me, so I was particularly gullible. My mother gave me some bread and pointed to a gaggle of murderous geese by a pond most likely hoping to finally be rid of me once and for all.
I was ecstatic, and I trusted my mother which was surely a mistake. I couldn't wait to feed the peaceful creatures by the water. So I ran with joy over to them and this is where everything went terribly wrong.
One goose stood up craning it's neck, it's piercing eyes met mine and terror flooded my body as its brethren started to honk and flap their wings wildly. My fight or flight response kicked in and I started running.
I could hear them behind me, their shrieks filled with all the anger of how they evolved from giant carnivores to small clawless a**holes, filled the once peaceful setting. I ran as fast as my legs could take me but the geese had used my innocent approach against me and allowed me to get close.
I felt the first pinch on my calf and knew my life was about to end. I had to turn and fight or perish at the beaks of p*ssed off dinosaur f*ck birds. I swung my arms and kicked desperately.
My strikes bounced off their bodies like rubber and they assaulted me relentlessly, surely to devour me piece by piece. I quickly realized this was ineffective and started to run again.
Luckily my mother must have had a mental crisis and decided that she wanted to keep me after all. She ran and picked me up and carried me to safety. Tears streamed down my face. To this day I am still deathly afraid of geese after my mother tried to sacrifice me to appease their murderous souls.