'AITA for replacing my daughter and not including her as a part of my new family?' UPDATED
"AITA for replacing my daughter and not including her as a part of my new family?"
I have 4 daughters, Charlie(25) and Amy(21) and my step daughters Claudia (15) and Rose (17). I had a son Isaac who was Charlie's twin. He passed away from leukemia when he was 19. When he was diagnosed at 14, there was a lot of medical bills to pay for Isaac's treatment, and I ended up working a lot to pay for his hospital bills.
During that time my ex-wife Brenda slept with Jake behind my back. I found out about the affair and we had a divorce when the twins were 15 and Amy 11. All of them knew the full story of what happened and my ex and I had 50/50 custody.
Charlie visited Brenda till she was 16 after which she stopped. We told Amy what happened when she was 14. But the thing is Jake is quite wealthy and Amy preferred it there more because she got spoiled. She eventually chose to stay with Brenda when she turned 16.
During this period I met Lucy I fell in love with her and got married when the twins were 19. Isaac passed away a few months after. Lucy herself h ad 2 daughters Claudia and Rose and they were both welcomed into the family. My son passed away a few months later.
When Amy moved with her mom permanently she cut off all ties with us. She didn't leave peacefully too. She insulted everyone in the family and left. One of the things she yelled was 'I don't want to be a part of this sh!tty family'. She went NC with us too.
On November, Jake and Brenda were charged with fraud, B&E, and apparently they were also in debt. They lost their homes and were thrown in jail. Since none of the other relatives were able to take her in, Amy came to us. I didn't want to take her in but Lucy convinced me to let her stay for a bit till she gets back on her feet.
Well ever since she left there have been a lot of changes to the house. And Amy has been complaining about them since she arrived. She complains about how she cant touch the snacks and how she has to pay for her own snacks and clothes(We feed her 3 meals a day + afternoon snacks).
How she was given the smallest guest bedroom and how the other girls got big personalized bedrooms. How on Christmas the girls got amazing gifts and she only got a gift card. The last straw for her was NYs. We took the girls to a big party while she stayed at home.
When we got back she started yelling at me how I'm a horrible father and how I replaced her with Claudia and Rose. I told her that she's the one who renounced the family and so she wasn't allowed in family things.
But a lot of people are telling me that I'm essentially replacing her for something she did when she was a young, impulsive teen. So AITA?
Here's what people had to say:
americanvenska writes:
NTA. Family, including our own children, don’t always work out in the end. She sounds spoiled and resentful of the fact that her choices haven’t panned out. You are doing the correct thing, but protect your family, and don’t allow her truculent self pity affect you. Good luck!
daisymae76 writes:
I had my Y-T-A vote ready when I read the title, but when I continued to read, Lord she sounds unhinged. NTA. She chose to not be apart of the family 5 years ago. She’s chosen to insult everyone and everything.
She can’t just come in and demand a bigger bedroom, she can’t just come in and demand you pay for her snacks, she can’t expect you to treat her like a Princess after 5 years of NC.
Honestly if it were me, I’d have kicked her out by now. I have no patience for that sort of behaviour, especially if I have other children to take care of too. And you’re not charging rent? You sound like a saint to me lol. NTA. Absolutely NTA.
[deleted]
Sorry but I’m not getting all these YTAs. The prodigal daughter isn’t there because she wants to be, she’s there because she has nowhere else to go. The 16 year old made a bad decision but the 21 year old is full of attitude. NTA
Hold up! So Amy left permanently after you got married and after her brother died? (while she was 14 or 15?). Does that maybe play a role in why she wanted out? and it sounds like you're leaving out a lot of info. Why did she insult the family while leaving? There has to be reason.
She couldn't have just decided to up and leave like that overnight while cussing you out. And why did she go NC? What's the story there?
OP responded:
Context: She goes to mom's house: Mom has fancy tv, no siblings to share, mommy's full undivided attention, all the clothes and make up she wants
At my house: Has to share with siblings, my attention is split 5 ways, and she can't get new expensive makeup when she wants. She told me this before she left. And no it didn't happen overnight. Ex challenged custody, Amy told judge she wanted to go with mom, Judge agree because Amy was old enough for her opinion to matter
Later OP came back with some edits and an update:
EDIT: I would like to add everyone including her has been in therapy before she left and after she came back. Nothing has come out of it. Amy has also made it clear she wants no relationship with me and is here because she's desperate. And by made it clear she told it to my face
UPDATE: First of all, I want to thank some YTAs commentors for their pov and advice. It didn't ever cross my mind that Brenda could have manipulated Amy. After reading some of them I did sit and try to talk it out with her. However it didn't end well, and we did end up yelling at each other.
Second of all I would like to clarify some things:
1. Yes my wife had to convince me to let Amy in. She (Amy) showed up at my house in the middle of the night, demanding for a place to stay without any explanation. I only found out about the Brenda being arrested after the police came to talk to me about it.
2. No I didn't tell my then 11 year old child that her mother cheated on me she was told when she was ~14 - 15
3. Someone pointed out that I put Amy in the worst guest room in the house. I would like to clarify there are 2 guest bedrooms in the house, and the only difference is that the bigger one has a connecting bathroom. That one is being used by Lucy's nephew whose college is nearer to us and he pays us rent. He was visiting his family during the holidays so it slipped my mind he was there.
4. For the people who are still hung up on the fact I make my eldest daughter and Amy pay for snacks (which only they can eat), I would remind you they live here rent free, no chores except keeping their rooms clean, and they are being fed 4 times a day, and their college is fully payed for. As someone who grew up in Europe, this is much more than anything I got and their friends are getting.
5. Yes this whole thing is in my view point. I have tried to be unbiased as I could seeing I was angry when I posted here. I would also like to add I have no idea what happened at Brenda's house while Amy was there.
I would also like to say that Amy no longer lives here. We just found out she was pregnant from a hookup and she wanted me to support her and the baby. Sort of exact conversation (we did it in our language so I had to translate):
Me: So what are your plans with the baby?
Amy: What do you mean, its your grandchild.
Me: Yes, but they're your child. So what are your plans?
Amy: I have the education fund and my job, I can buy an apartment.
Me: What about college?
Amy: I can drop out. I mean your here aren't you
Me: So? The kid is your responsibility, if you dont want them, I'll adopt the kid and take care of the kid, but not you, you still have to find a way to survive.
Amy: So you'll take care of the baby but not me?
- Then me and her started to argue
That was a summary of the conversation.
She left a few days ago to her friend's house and when she got approved for a dorm, is now in her hostel.