'AITA for not lying in front of my wife's friends about me being a stay-at-home-dad?'
"AITA for not lying in front of my wife's friends about me being a stay-at-home-dad?"
When my wife and I decided to start a family she expressed she wanted to be a stay-at-home mom so we made a plan and set everything up so that she could stay home during the early years.
We had our first kid but she didn't do too well being the stay-home and had a hard time with it. We still wanted our kids to have a parent at home with them so we swapped out since her salary was close to mine.
Two kids later I'm still the stay-at-home dad working reduced hours remotely. For me personally, it's easier than any job I've had in the past, even the manual labor one but I recognize that that's just my personal experience. We've touched base on the issue a few times to make sure there's no resentment, guilt, or discomfort on either of our parts.
One of her friends from her work invited us and other couples over for dinner. While there, the other couples were talking about childcare in general and some of the women started sharing their experiences of when they were home.
My wife was talking about how she had disliked it and mentioned our arrangement when one of the women said to me: "Oh I know you're just itching to get back to having it easy."
I responded that I already have it easy and that for me, being a stay-at-home dad was a cakewalk compared to my office job. I didn't see the point in agreeing with something that just isn't true for me. On the way home my wife asked why couldn't I have just agreed with the question and played along.
I asked her if she felt bad or guilty that she had a hard time with it and she said no, so I told her to just forget about it then because there's no reason for me to lie to make a bunch of other people feel better so long as it's fine between us.
When she got home from work yesterday she had some attitude asking me if I had "another easy peasy day'"and told me how all day she had to hear from her friends what a smug a%^$%le I was for making light of their experiences by saying it was a cakewalk. I get that for a lot of people it's hard but I don't see why I should have to lie about it or fluff someone's ego for not feeling the same way. AITA?
Additional info: The scheduling, making appointments, taking kids where they need to be, grocery list, school stuff, making sure payments for bills came out, vehicle maintenance, organizing our date nights, finding babysitters, figuring out what needs to be done- falls on me.
She keeps track of dates important to her family, I keep track of dates important to us and my side of the family. I am very detail-oriented, I've done all of that throughout our relationship. We do grocery shopping together on the weekend.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
INFO - How do you and your wife divide the housework now? How did you divide the housework when your wife was a SAHM?
ZestyCowlicks OP:
She was SAHM for about 5 months and during that time we took turns getting up at night to feed the kids. I'd come home and cook, laundry, take over the childcare, clean up from dinner, finish up whatever she didn't get to during the day, laundry, trash, and do all childcare and house/yard work on weekends.
If I was going to be late, I'd call one of our parents and ask them to go help her out until I got home.
Now I do the bulk of housework/yardwork, shoveling, do all cooking 5 days a week, still do all the organizing and planning, most of the childcare. She relaxes for awhile once she gets home, does the dinner clean up, give the kids their baths, puts away laundry once it's folded. Spread my work hours out from Mon-Sat. We share cooking duty and childcare on weekends.
NTA and OP I’d love for you to elaborate on how you find it so easy because I’m sick and tired of hearing how hard but rewarding it is. I’m on the fence about kids and attitudes like your wife and her friends put me right off!
ZestyCowlicks OP:
I mean, parenting is 'hard but rewarding' but frankly my construction job was also rewarding but in a different way: the things I helped build, people go on to use, live and work in, without worry of it falling down on their heads. My kids, flying spaghetti willing, will hopefully be productive, positive additions to society as well-adjusted adults.
I'm detail-oriented and used to being on the move as it is, so keeping a household running and taking care of the kids is an easy groove for me to fall into. Scheduling and planning, keeping the house picked up, neither of us being supreme neat freaks, having a good, solid relationship also helps.
The most challenging moments were when they were newborns, and for me, those times passed quickly. I also look at it as the helpless years don't last long. Eventually, and pretty quickly with how fast kids grow, they'll be more independent.
At that point its about balancing discipline with support, giving them enough freedom to grow and just trying to guide them to make good moral decisions.
My personal opinion, I think individual personalities, priorities, and expectations play a big part of it. Yes, less personal time and no privacy does suck but we also agreed upon and planned to produce the little potatoes that lead to that. My parents always said that they got us to 18 fed, clothed, and in one piece so their mission had been accomplished.
I already gave my verdict (NTA) but I had another thought. If you had gone along with them and said how challenging it was, you may have made your wife look like an ah to these women, who from the comment about having it easy at work seem to view the man's place as being at work, and might see her as cruel and selfish for making her husband stay at home against his wishes to do "her" job that she couldn't do.
ZestyCowlicks OP:
If it wouldn't be that, it'd be the tried and true "He's a bum just staying home and living off your paycheck" spiel that we have gotten several times, mostly from some of her former co-workers and members of her family. Can't win lol
NTA, but let me offer a more diplomatic answer that is still truthful but might not rile your wife up. “This is actually a really good fit for me. I prefer changing tasks more often from job stuff to kid stuff to cleaning. I don’t get as burnt out as when I was in the office 40 hours a week. And Wife does best working full time, so it has been a good arrangement all around!”
ZestyCowlicks OP:
I wouldn't say it's a good fit for me, nor do I do it because it's enjoyable, I do it because we wanted someone home in their first years. I'm doing much of what I was already doing prior to kids, ie, I'm detail oriented and very organized. I can run a job site well and running the household isn't much different. Not an introvert by any means either.
If the hours and pay would've been sustainable for our life plan, I would've stayed in construction. Loved it. Toddlers are easier to reason with and not be upset over mess versus full grown adults who are messy dipshits by choice and choose to take actions that hinder everyone for their own gain.
Have every intention of going back to full-time work once they're all older, I'm just not in a hurry to get there since I don't view this as mundane or hard. Perfectly valid and acceptable that others see it that way!
bookycat writes:
NTA. You are happy being a SAHD. Great! What that woman said about going back to work outside of home was 'easy' is insulting to you, to your way of life, to stay-at-home-dads in general. It's building on the idea that fathers find difficult to take care of their children and prefer to leave these tasks to their wives. This woman needs to think seriously about how she considers fathers and taking care of children.
However, your wife's reaction is weird. You say you communicate about the equilibrium of your way of life, but is it possible she's suffering pressure at work about going back to work instead of taking care of her children?
wildforfun writes:
NTA. They decided to take offense because you like parenting more than the office job you had. They could have been like, 'damn, how hellish was his office, how mismatched was he for his job/company that tyrannical toddlers is a cake walk?'
Plenty of people have day jobs easier than parenting and plenty of offices are hell. I wouldn't want to leave my current job to be a SAHM but plenty of other jobs would never hear from me again if my husband's income was sufficient to support us.
frb936 writes:
NTA. We (men and women) all deal with things differently. Let’s call it what it is, I’d pick taking care of my kid every day over manual labor (e.g., car mechanic, construction worker, etc.) 100% of the time. I’m good at it, but if I had to choose between that and being a stay at home father, I’d be a stay at home father.
I happily choose to be peed or pooped over a job where I am basically in a dangerous/life threatening situation half of my day. I can clean up poop and pee quickly, but I can’t regrow a broken leg in an hour.
Don’t even get me started on the back and joint pain that I’ll have for the rest of my life or working outside when it’s 100 or 30 degrees out. No offense to anyone out there, this is just my personal opinion. Raising kids is hard, but it’s not the hardest job out there. I agree that it’s a cakewalk compared to my job.
Also, good for you man! Enjoy them while you can. Sooner or later they’re gonna grow up and the opportunity to spend time with them will be gone. I don’t see the need to beat around the bush about how you feel. People don’t have to like it nor will they share the same exact experience. It’s just what it is. And it’s okay.