'My mom is having an affair with her BFF and I haven't told my dad.' AITA? UPDATED 4X

"My mom is having an affair."

Hi. I'm 25M. So, my mom(F46) is having an affair with her bestie, let's call him T(M38)(he's single btw) My dad works in a far away city so he's home rarely or once in a few months. He's verbally and emotionally abusive. I never had a connection with him for this. He also verbally abuses my mom(not physically) She never had this connection or loved him.

I moved out of my place 3 years back after I got a job in a city as an accountant. My mom and T grew up together and he was her best friend from childhood. Last week, I came in as a surprise visit in my home(I have extra key) I came home and she was in bed with T. I won't go into details, but it was hurtful. He rushed out. I had a heart to heart convo with my mom that night.

She was remorseful I had to find out this way. It's been going on for 2 years. She told me she loved him and apparently wants a divorce from my dad. She was honest about it. I can see she really is into T. She's honestly a great mom and even a better individual. I know what she did was wrong and she has her reasons. To spend the life with someone you don't love is more like a punishment.

I asked her why didn't she told me if she wanted a divorce. She mentioned she didn't want me to hate her. I gave her my support in case of divorce. Told her I didn't see anything and I'm going to keep quiet. During and after divorce she can move in with me. T can come to visit us too(I live alone)

T avoided coming home or reaching out to me in this time, but I asked him to talk and we had another heart to heart convo. He told me he really loved mom and is sorry for what he did. He has always been a father figure to me. I told him i understand and if my mother wants a divorce, I'm with her.

T also lets me know he wants to plan something for my mom's upcoming birthday. He wants to make it special now that I know too. Just the 3 of us. I told him I needed time to think about it. Which brings me here. I'm honestly pretty much conflicted right now. T is definitely a great guy and my mom is a great person too. I never had a connection with my father but he is still my father no matter what.

I just need some advises to work on. She is going to file for divorce in january as soon as I get my and T gets his finances in order to support her. few other things to be noted: We are not from US. Dad is a kind person at times but is an alcoholic and verbally abuses me and mom to this day.

I don't know if I'm doing the correct thing. I lived with my mom, witnessed both of them. My mom loves T. Their chemistry is good and she is happy..with him. I know this started off rough and wrong(as an affair) and I should tell my dad but It's going to ruin us as a family regardless. I'm very much conflicted hence put up the post in here.

I really don't know the rules in here. As a matter of fact, I found out about this sub just a day ago and thought it would provide me some advise. I have another id but created another specifically for this to preserve my privacy. I'd try to answer every question if you guys have. Please be genuine. I'm really in a conflicted position. Pardon if my post is wrong

What do you think? AITA by keeping this secret? Or do you think he should he tell his dad?

This is what top commenters had to say:

General_Argument5616 said:

You’re absolutely doing the right thing. It doesn’t mean you love your dad any less. Hopefully you can maintain healthy relationships with both of them. X

zozzimus555 said:

Act on the best possible outcome. Not proxies like honesty or "your dad deserves the truth". I say this as someone whose dad had an affair and immediately confessed to alleviate his conscience. Selfish.

Right "by the book", wrong for my mom's happiness. It sounds healthy - bitter but healthy - for your dad to hear from your mom why the marriage is not working for her. I can't say the same for him hearing about the affair from you.

maybelaterimtired said:

This affair is is probably one of the best things that has happened to your mom in a long time. She's a grown adult, as are you. None ya bidness.

Most_Equivalent_8878 said:

I think it's a safer bet to not participate in his special thing. If you want to keep a relationship with your dad, a little distance would be helpful in case he asks

Commenters agreed, NTA.

A month after his original post, OP shared this post in r/legitafteradultery:

This is probably an odd place for me to ask but I'm really in a conflicted position and someone directed me here so here I am. I posted my story on r/adultery sub. My mom is having an affair with her best friend. It was mom's birthday last week. T(the AP) had an idea for us to spend at a hotel. They actually checked in with a false name addressing them as couple.

You know the rest. We spent the evening together. T brings her cake(Dad never did this) it felt warm. Though I'm not trying to interfere in my mom's private life or my parents marriage. I can't but feel bothered. I want to tell dad about the affair. But then again, he was unavailable most of his time(long hours or work in another city) and is verbally abusive. I've never seen my mom happy like this with AP.

Long story short: we had the talk. They wanna go legit and mom wants to start the divorce process now, not in January as I've mentioned before. I have a lot to say but I don't know if I should. I'm clinging onto her happiness and the marriage. She wants to divorce dad and marry T. I understand that. But damn seeing your parents marriage being broken down like this hits you.

I want to spend personal time with mom but it seems T can't get enough of her. They're comfortable kissing around me. Whenever I try to talk, they just shut me down. I'm just been here in town for a few days for my work purpose otherwise I would've left. It hurts. Any advise or something please? I'm conflicted in my own thoughts

Three months later, OP shared this final update:

Signed and Gone legit. An update and questions. Never have I seen my mom happy like this before.

So after my last post: Mom and I sorted out finances. My flight got delayed further because the company I was supposed to work into ran into some minor trouble (so I still worked from home for them as a software programmer) and still got paid regardless of going there. I paid some of my payment to mom's account and we filed for divorce.

When mom told dad, he was surprisingly quiet but then exploded like he used to, verbally abusing but for the first time, mom stood up to him. They got into an argument but ultimately dad had to concede to my mom wanting divorce.

It was somewhat consensual and even though dad was against it, everything had to be split in half..it was finalized within 7 weeks(which was surprising as our lawyers told us it would take 6 weeks at maximum but regardless) so they were divorced by the end of December itself. Mom moved in with me after dad bought her half of his house.

The day when they got divorced, Mom was crying, When I asked her about it, she told me I won't understand, I didn't press her on this matter but I think it's one of those times where after so many years together, you have affection for them regardless of how they treat you.

T called me and told me he won't be coming because he wanted to give my mom space first(I respect him for that) so they meet after a week, New Years was tremendously good for mom, as I moved out and she had the house to herself and T. They had the best New Year(that's what she told me) I visited my dad. During divorce he needed my help(as I was tech savvy) to see if mom was having an affair.

I told him I would. I turned a blind eye to mom's socials and stuffs(he wasn't nearby) deleting whatever was left(he never found out about affair) so yeah, mom is having the best time of her life with T. Actually they're planning on getting married but it's too soon for that so it's obviously gonna take a while.

I feel somewhat bothered(not good not bad but still) that mom is spending her time right in my place with T(as you can guess) but it's her life. I'm happy for them. T thanked me for helping them out and mom told me she loves me for being a wonderful son to her. Honestly, the smile, the chemistry she has with T is everything I need to see. She's a great mom and I'm proud of her. This is it.

But I do have some questions.

1.) How long to wait to let cat out of the bag. T and mom wants to get married but we are in a conservative society so that would certainly raise question.

2.) A lot has since happened and Mom wants to go on a vacation somewhere. T's birthday is coming up too. So should I plan something for them? Will it be awkward for me if I say it so?

3.) How can I help my father more? Tbh, after divorce, not much has changed for him. He's as usual, not a bit changed or hurt. Still works long hours but in fact I see him working out sometimes and chopping woods. It might be a way to vent out frustrations or anger management but is there a way I can help him out?

4.) I don't know if it's normal but during second marriages, or couples who went legit, did you invite your friends and family? I want to know if that's possible. Thank you.

I apologize for this long post. I don't know if I did the right thing, I just wanted to see my mom happy. So please I hope you guys won't judge me. Many of you said it wasn't my business at all. But I think it was. I am her son and I knew she was having an affair..if any one were to find out, I would've been the one to lose both my mother and father. So please don't hate me for interfering. Everyone has their perspective.