'My marriage is falling apart, and with it so will my life. Advice needed.' UPDATED
"My marriage is falling apart, and with it so will my life. Advice needed."
5 weeks ago, my wife (F31) told me (M33) that she had been miserable for a long time. She's just been hiding it and pretending like everything was good. She told me this late at night after I got home from work. I was blindsided.
She said that I wasn't emotionally supportive, which caused her to slowly start bottling up feelings instead of sharing them with me. She said I belittled her feelings and made them seem not a big deal. Over time, she just kept bottling things up until she finally couldn't take it anymore.
I had no idea. Maybe that's hard to believe, but everything seemed normal. We've been romantic, we laughed, we made plans for the future, we talked, we had what seemed like a good marriage. I was shocked and sickened by the revelation.
We have arguments, but only maybe 1 or 2 per month. They always seemed like isolated incidents that aren't any different than the average couple's squabbles. But apparently it's part of a larger issue to her.
We've been in counseling, but it doesn't seem to be improving anything. She set up this boundary where I'm only supposed to talk to her about the kids or house business. Yes, we have 2 kids (4 and 11months). All I think about is what this is going to do to them.
I've struggled to keep our communication to just those things. My going off topic and talking to her about other things makes her think I can't be trusted.
She's expressed that 2 behaviors of mine have led her to believe that I'm an emotional ab%$er. I don't listen to her, and I respond in a manipulative way. I don't think she is entirely correct. I think she has a serious bias towards negative interpretations of anything I say. And what she calls manipulative responses, I think is just normal defensiveness when accused of things.
I'm sorry about rambling and not laying out my thoughts well. I just feel like my life is falling apart. I genuinely love my wife, and I think that I have been a good husband to her. But it's like she's become a completely different person and I am unable to understand her.
I'm a great dad. I put my family's needs ahead of my own. I cook. I clean. I sacrifice so much of my time and energy to make sure they have what they need. But my wife doesn't see any of it. All she sees is what I do wrong. I feel lost. I feel hopeless. I feel alone.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
It's possible that even if you weren't objectively out of line, the way you communicate and respond to criticism may have been a bad match for her personality. For example, I can struggle with people who get very defensive about criticism because I've had a lot of experiences with it turning into arguments about who's to blame, and the fact that I was hurt gets completely lost sight of.
While it's a shocking change to you, as someone who had to conceal my feelings from an ab^$%ve parent I can tell you that it's very possible to feel absolutely terrible and have most people not notice. Pushing your feelings down is very effective (until it stops working).
Plus, most relationships do have good parts even if they have bad parts, so the laughter etc. was probably real — it just doesn't cancel out any bad things she was also feeling.
If you're comfortable, would you mind sharing an example of a conflict where she has described your actions/response as manipulative? I didn't feel as though there was very much to go on in your post about what your behaviour was or why she might have felt the way she did.
You remind me of my father and you won’t be changing anytime soon. Let her go.
Here. “She’s expressed that 2 behaviors of mine have led her to believe that I’m an emotional a%^$er. I don’t listen to her, and I respond in a manipulative way. I don’t think she’s entirely correct.”
She’s telling you how she feels, how she sees the situation. You don’t respond with curiosity on why she would feel that way, but instead choose a technicality to deny her perspective. Maybe she’s mentally ill. Maybe she’s on something.
But no matter what the cause is, her feelings here are a symptom that led to the ultimate action of her wanting to separate. If you want this marriage, you have to follow the breadcrumbs back to the source.
I appreciate the bluntness. I hadn't thought about "denying her perspective." That's a good way to put it
Its called empathy bro. Being wrong wont make you less of a man. Im really glad you made this post because you genuinely care about her, she didnt know how to feel supported by you and pretended everything was ok for YOUR sake and maybe the kids. Maybe im projecting my life unto you but communication is always key
Defensiveness destroys relationships, at home and at work. Ask me how I know.
She told you how she felt and you dismissed and downplayed it. So she learned you aren't a safe space for her and continued dealing with it on her own. Look up walk away wife.
Edits from OP after reading some of the comments:
EDIT 1: I understand the criticism of my use of analytical vs emotional brain. I can see how that is condescending. I really just used the terms because they've been used alot in our counseling sessions. But I see how my use of the terms hasn't been appropriate.
EDIT 2: There's been alot of comments about me praising myself or describing myself too nicely. I do think that I've been great in alot of ways, but I see that I've fallen short in the ways that are most important. I do accept that I bear alot of responsibility.
EDIT 3: I think I've learned alot from several of these comments. I truly appreciate the effort that many of yall put in to craft hard hitting messages that cut to the core of some issues.
THANK YOU: I truly appreciate all of the chat invites and the encouragement and admonishment that so many people are sharing with me. It means a lot. Some of yall have shown a really incredible ability to get some hard truths to get through my skull. I have alot to think about and alot of direction on what I need to do.
Later OP updated the post with this:
FINAL Update: I'd like to share that the overwhelming response to my emotional ramblings has led to some significant realization and perspective change. I've received alot of well deserved criticism for my poor understanding of my actions and how they can cause harm. I can truly say that I disagree with so much of what I've written in the post and in my various comments.
Someone recommended the book This Is How Your Marriage Ends. That book had opened my eyes and illuminated so many mistaken assumptions and critical blindspots. This post, the immense response from yall, and that book have combined to create a truly life changing moment for me.
It may not change the outcome of my marital collapse. She might still leave. We might divorce. We might heal and stay together. But what I know is that it is changing me, and that is important.