60 yo woman alters bridesmaid dress; 'I don't want to humiliate myself.' AITA?

"AITA for altering a bridesmaid dress so it's not so revealing?"

My brother Joe (55M) is about to marry Sue (27F). A few months ago Sue asked both me (60F) and my sister June (53F) to be bridesmaids. I was touched, as I have only met Sue a few times (they live in another state). Besides myself and June, there are four other bridesmaids, all under 30.

When Sue sent me the link for the bridesmaid dress, I was horrified. I’m sure the dress will look lovely on her young friends, but I would not want to be seen wearing it in public. It’s super se%y - plunging neckline, thigh-high slit, so clingy that it would reveal every lump on my rump.

Please understand that I am not a prude. I am reasonably fit, and I enjoy dressing up, but I AM 60 yrs old. I would not be comfortable showing that much skin at a formal event with all of our relatives present.

I called Sue and nicely asked if there’s a more modest version I could wear. She insisted this was the dress she wanted all her bridesmaids in. She wouldn’t budge, and not wanting to cause family strife, I didn’t push it. (June doesn't like it either, but she's a marathon runner so she can pull it off!)

So I ordered the dress several sizes too large. I took it to a seamstress and had her take it in so it fits, but doesn't cling so tightly to my backside. Using some of the extra fabric she fixed the neckline so it doesn’t reveal so much b00Bage.

And she lowered the height of the thigh slit to a few inches above my knee, rather than nearly to my panties. The adjustments are very subtle and hardly noticeable. It actually looks great on me now.

When Sue heard I’d had the dress altered, she flew into a rage! She texted me that she does not want a “chopped up dress” in her wedding pictures. I sent her photos of me wearing it, but she’s not having it. Joe called and told me that I’ve been “disinvited” from the wedding party, and they have replaced me with another friend.

I thought they didn’t want me at the wedding at all, so I cancelled my hotel reservation (I hadn’t bought my plane ticket yet). Clearly I’ve upset Sue, and I don’t want there to be conflict on her big day.

Plus, I’m afraid there would be awkward questions about why my sister is a bridesmaid and I am not. It seems to me it would be less awkward for them to respond to any questions about me with vague “she was unable to make the trip” answers.

I’m also not keen on spending more money on this event where I don’t really feel welcome. I’ve already dropped several hundred on the dress, alterations, and matching shoes.

I let Joe know I still am very happy for him and will of course send them a generous wedding gift. But he said they DID want me there, and now he’s not speaking to me at all, and Sue is telling June that I “ruined” her wedding.

AITA for altering the dress so I wouldn’t feel naked? And once that blew up, for not wanting to go to the wedding?

Let's take a look at some top comments and responses:

faghwface writes:

Unpopular opinion perhaps but YTA. When you asked if you could wear a different dress than the other bridesmaids and Sue said no, your options were to either tell her you weren’t comfortable in the dress and step down from being a bridesmaid or suck it up and wear the dress.

Going behind her back to drastically alter the dress (completely changing the neckline is not a “subtle” change) is really no different than going behind her back to buy a different dress to wear.

vagrea writes:

NTA. Sue's acting like you ruined your dress completely, even though you paid a professional. Also the age gap between the "happy couple" is a little odd, she shouldn't be surprised that a different generation wants to dress slightly differently.

OP replies:

Thank you! You seem to "get" it. I actually paid quite a bit of money to the seamstress, and she did a lovely job.

The dress barely looks different from the others at all, it just covers me up a bit more, which seems more appropriate for a 60 year old woman. I truly did think this was the best solution and would make everyone happy. Boy was I wrong.

For context, this is my brother's second marriage, and yep, she's quite a bit younger than he is. But they do seem to be genuinely in love, so I wish them well. The wedding is next month, and I still haven't decided if I should just bite the bullet and face the awkwardness by attending.

rockolgoy writes:

This one's tough, because both parties are a little out of line, but the balance is way off.

NTA, but let's start with you. Altering the dress without checking with the bride first was a misstep. Frankly, the conversation when the dress came out should have been "I can't wear this" and either a stepdown from the party or permission for alterations AT THAT POINT.

However, for all that it's the bride's special day, it's also the groom's, and I assume that's why you were made a bridesmaid. I guess it's nice that Sue was cool with your 60yo self in that dress, but that's hardly her call to force you to do it, especially since you're there to rep your brother and not her.

I'm sure your brother is a pushover for her regarding the wedding, but earlier timing on this conversation would have saved you the cost of alterations at least, and you'd still be going to the wedding.

But Sue's overreaction to something uncomfortable for you that she wants to force you to do is where she loses. All of the best weddings I've ever been to have had some subtle changes to bridesmaid gowns to accommodate body types and comfort levels. It's pretty telling that Sue cares more about the dress being in the pictures than she cares about you being in the pictures.

Does it warrant a skip of the wedding? That depends on what number marriage it is for your brother and whether you like Sue, outside of the wedding, or not. Like every other commenter, I see the age gap and I have questions.

I don't think they are worth skipping over. Do you want to be supportive of your brother in this large event? That's the only question you need to answer. Are you close? Are you expected? Is he expecting you, or just other family members?

What are you going to tell people who ask YOU what happened in two or three months?

OP replies:

This is a great comment, thanks! OP here. Okay, to answer some questions: Yes, I wanted to be supportive of my brother, which is why I agreed to wear a dress I would never select for myself.

I thought I was doing the right thing by making a few subtle alterations so that I didn't feel so naked in it. Isn't it normal for brides and bridesmaids to do "fittings" and get dresses altered so they fit them better? My alterations might have been a bit more drastic than just nips and tucks, but I did have a professional seamstress do them, and she did a great job.

This is my brother's second marriage. His first ended in a terrible divorce some years back, with nasty custody issues etc. He seems to really love Sue, and I just want him to be happy. I can't say if I "like" Sue, as I've only met her a few times, but she seemed nice and they appeared to be in love. The age gap is, yeah, a bit startling, but it's not all that uncommon, and who am I to judge?

My brother and I are not super close. He lives several states away and we only see each other every couple of years. Yes, I'm sure everyone is expecting me at the wedding - many relatives are attending. And yes, it's a bit of a thorny question about how I will answer people who ask why I'm not there.

I haven't actually decided if I should go or not. My brother isn't responding to my texts now. The wedding is in a month. I'm thinking I should ask my sister to ask him if it's still okay that I attend, and I'll just buck up and go, and face any awkwardness. Thank you for this insightful comment. You've given me some good food for thought.