'My 7-year-old daughter’s dance teacher invited her to a sleepover at her house. AITA for formally complaining?' UPDATED

"My daughter’s dance teacher invited her to a sleepover at her house. WIBTA for formally complaining?"

My daughter is 7. She’s been taking ballet lessons since she was four, but has only been enrolled in this particular dance school for about a year. There are only six other girls in her class, all around her age, and she has two lessons a week.

Anyway, earlier this week my daughter came home with an invitation from her teacher. She’s inviting the girls - all seven of them - to spend the night at her house on the last weekend of April. According to my daughter, the teacher told the girls that it’s a slumber party. The pitch apparently included McDonalds, movies and games.

I’ve spoken to the other moms and they’ve all confirmed that their daughters got the same invitation. None of us have been notified by the school, so I have to assume the teacher is planning this on her own. She has not spoken to any of us about this directly, only to our daughters.

Some of the girls seem to be excited, but my daughter is still anxious about spending the night away from us, so she wouldn’t be going even if I was OK with this - which I'm not. I have never spoken to this teacher about anything besides my child, nor do I know anything about her personal life or home.

I've been thinking of complaining to the dance school about this, because I’ve never heard of teachers doing this before and I'm a little freaked out. But at least two of the other moms don’t seem to have a problem with it, and I can’t help but wonder whether I’m overreacting. Is this normal? Honestly, I just need some advice here.

Here's what people had to say about this one:

RoseGoldenDew said:

Teachers shouldn’t be inviting students to sleepovers at their homes without formal school involvement or parental communication. This is what you should do, talk to the school directly, voice your concern, and ask for clear policies around boundaries and off-hours contact.

Emotional-Song-2602 said:

She should have discussed with the parents first. NTA.

bibilime said:

NTA but understand that, for some people, it is normal to have a party--not a sleepover. The teacher might be a tone deaf on that side of a 'party', but for some people sleepovers were normal things. In the 90's my Sunday school teacher had a sleepover. I went.

Nothing happened. The teacher probably doesn't realize sleepovers are not a thing for some people. I don't know if you should frame it as a complaint, more like a concern! You are concerned about a party involving "sleepovers" hosted by a teacher.

Stunning-Track8454 said:

NTA - The teacher should have communicated that with the parents directly. While I don't think the teacher has bad intentions over this, I do think she's dumb.

kklewis18 said:

NTA. But if I may play devil’s advocate for a sec — maybe talk to the teacher first before going straight to the school? I can see a scenario where the teacher is maybe a little…

...special or thinks differently about social situations and didn’t realize (at first) how inappropriate it would be. Idk, as someone who was a substitute teacher, I’d rather be talked to first before someone went straight to someone above me.

lmharper said:

NTA. I don't think the teacher necessarily has malicious intent, but it is definitely strange to invite a group of children to a slumber party as an adult without speaking to their parents first.

My advice would be to talk to the teacher first. Maybe something like, "I appreciate you trying to arrange a fun event for the class, but I would appreciate you telling me about your plans before you approach my daughter with it." If the teacher brushes off your concerns and gets defensive, then it may be worth bringing it up with someone higher up in the school.

UPDATE:

I won’t waste time and try to convince anyone to like me. If you’ve already decided I’m a true crime-obsessed neurotic helicopter parent Karen with “diaper energy” and social anxiety issues, I don’t think there’s much I can say that will change your mind.

And yes, I’ve heard of lock-ins. My son had one with his swim team last year. He’s a bit older, it happened at the pool, guardians were informed before the children were and one of the other parents chaperoned. It’s not the same thing as an unofficial sleepover at a teacher’s house.

All of that said, I never intended to risk this woman’s job, I was just worried. So I spoke to my husband, and we decided to take your advice and speak to my daughter’s teacher first.

He spoke to her while picking up our daughter last week. He said the conversation went fine, but he was bothered by her reaction when he said our daughter wouldn’t attend.

He told the teacher our kid was anxious, but she replied that the sleepover would be “a great opportunity for her to come out of her shell,” and that we should try to encourage our daughter to come. During the conversation, my husband also found out the following:

1) She came up with the sleepover idea because she wanted to bond with the girls and figured it would be fun;

2) She didn’t ask for another parent to act as a chaperone because her husband had offered to help her (first time she ever mentioned his existence)

3) When asked about what she’d do in case of emergency, she just stated she lived about 10 minutes away from a hospital;

4) She didn’t ask for the parents’ contact information because she didn’t think of it.

After he told me all this, I decided to email the dance school. I wrote that the teacher was planning a sleepover, about which the parents had not received a lot of information.

Two days later, we all got an email from the teacher, stating she was canceling the sleepover due to a complaint from the dance school. She also apologized for not being more transparent with us.

Some of the other moms are planning another sleepover at one of their houses so that the girls won’t be upset. Not sure where or when it will happen yet, but I’m trying to keep up to date.

Ultimately, even though I still don’t know what the sleepover would have been like, I don’t regret this. When it comes to my children, I’d rather be paranoid and wrong than regretful and right.

If I complained and it turned out to be a completely innocent event, I’d feel embarrassed, even after apologizing, but it might be something I could laugh about someday. If I let my daughter go and something happened to her (or any of the other girls), I would never forgive myself.

Here's what people had to say about the update:

vegasbywayofLA said:

So she didn't bother getting the parents' contact information to reach out and assumed no one would take issue with her husband helping her watch over their children instead of another parent. It may have been innocent, but there were so many potential red flags with the sleepover.

You did nothing wrong as you spoke to the teacher before you contacted the school. I think the end result, her canceling and being warned not to plan any events like this again, was the correct result. The children still get their sleepover, too. NTA.

HavenHeks63 said:

You absolutely did the right thing. I'm a mom, grandma, and retired teacher - and to say I've seen some things is an understatement. School, little league, gymnastics - we learned very quickly that not every coach, teacher, parent is trustworthy. You have ONE job and that is keeping your kids safe to the best of your ability. LIsten to your gut every time.

Full_Pace7666 said:

I think that was the right call. I personally believe the teacher had nothing but good intentions, but it’s a learning lesson to be as transparent with the parents and school as possible if you want to plan something like this.

Zadsta said:

She wanted to have her husband, a random man none of these little girls have met, to be the co-chaperone? No other parents present? And on top of that, didn’t think it was important to inform the parents of this and get their contacts in case of emergency?

Call me a true crime obsessed Karen or whatever you want but that is red flag city. I wouldn’t let this woman near my child again tbh and I’m surprised she didn’t lose her job.

RaydenAdro said:

NTA. It is creepy for a grown woman (and her husband) to host a sleepover at their personal residence. It’s also creepy to jump straight to sleepover, why not just have a casual brunch or team dinner? Why does it need to be a sleepover. So much can happen at sleepovers (child-to-child as well). You made the right call.

blackivie said:

NTA. It's a huge red flag that the dance teacher wants to have many small children over to her house without any parent chaperones.

PrpleSparklyUnicrn13 said:

I think you made the right call. It was inappropriate of a teacher to invite children anywhere unchaperoned, let alone to their private home to stay all night. There are a billion ways to bond, this shouldn’t have to be one of them.