"AITA for not wanting to adopt my 'dying' ex-girlfriends child?"

I (31M) met my ex-girlfriend (29F) on a dating app ~7 years ago. She had a son (6 months at the time, she was with multiple guys and ended up pregnant, still doesn't know who's the bio father), but it wasn't that much of an issue since she seemed like great person and we had a lot in common.

After few weeks of chatting and talking online, we went on a first date and had a great time. After that we just started hanging out whenever she could and shortly after she introduced me to her son.

Few months into our relationship, we moved in together to save money, since both of us were renting at the time. I started helping take care of her child whenever I could and we really grew fond of each other, he even started calling me "papa" and we just went along with it since my gf didn't mind.

Almost 5 years into our relationship, she told me that she wants to break up because I became boring and not an active person like I used to be (we used to go on hikes and travel around the country on weekends) and that I work too much.

It was a rough time after that and I had a hard time accepting it (althought not as hard as having to explain a 5 year old that he'll no longer be seeing his "papa") but I managed to get over it after few months, found a better job that allowed me to work remotely and had a lot of free time so I managed to explore few other countries.

Few days ago, I got a call from my ex. She said that she is sick and is in hospital, they removed one of her breasts but recently they found a tumour in her other breast and will need to have it removed as well. She is scared that she might die if it doesn't work out and asked me if I would be willing to become her son's legal guardian and adopt him, since she has no one else to ask.

I live a different lifestyle now, travel a lot and invest in myself, so I told her that I can't do that. She told me that her son misses me and would love to see me, but I said no again and she started crying and calling me names, before cutting the call.

I talked to my sister and parents about this and they told me that it's a messed up thing to refuse it, after all those years spent with them. I feel like trash now.. AITA for not wanting to adopt my "dying" ex-girlfriends child?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

1962Michael said:

NTA. If my math is right, you broke up about 2 years ago, which is a long time for a young child. Of course he would remember you but it's not like you're close at this point. The chances of her dying in the short term are pretty low. Letting her know you are not available allows her to make different plans in the longer term.

Master-Manipulation said:

NAH but consider it. You did raise this kid for 5 years, but he hasn’t heard from you in 2 years. Has there been any other father figure in the kid’s life? Who’s caring for him now and are they willing to take him in after? Does ex have relatives or friends who would take the kid in? What about logistics of her surviving - cancer is scary but it can be treatable.

Ultimately, I’m not going to call you the AH for saying no - it’s not your kid and it sounds like ex didn’t let you continue to be in kid’s life after the break up. But I’m not going to say the ex is an AH for asking because cancer is scary, especially when you have a kid depending on you. It’s natural to feel upset, anxious, scared, and even desperate and want to plan for the worst case scenario

AmazingAmiria said:

NAH. You shouldn't feel guilty for refusing. It's also understandable why she chose you, and honestly, who can blame her for trying to make sure her son stays with someone she can trust, and someone that the kid loves? Her calling you names was wrong, but I guess she's under so much stress right now that her fear and frustration have probably taken over for that moment.

Relevant Comments:

Did you ever try to reach out?

"As I wrote somewhere earlier, I messaged her on facebook a month after the breakup, asking about the kiddo, was left on seen and later removed from her friend list. I don't know what else could I do.. I took it as a hint to not bother her anymore."

Does she have family who can help?

She has a mother, as far as I know. Now I don't if she is alive anymore. Apparently their relationship between them wasn't the best. I know that she had a friend at the time we were together, but again, i don't know if they are friends anymore or if she has someone else now.

Does she want you to adopt the kid now or in the event of her death?

I'm assuming in case of death. But I don't know much about breast cancer, or cancer overall, how serious it is and the chances of dying.. Idk honestly.

Why is 'dying' in quotations- do you not believe her?

Yes.. and no.. I just don't much about breast cancer so I'm not sure. It's hard to judge.. I will try to reach out to her and see if she wants to meet irl so I can see her and talk.

People criticize him for changing to 'what she wanted' after they broke up:

I changed because at the time I didn't have time. I had to go to the office every day and when I came back, I'd look after the child so she can have some time to rest, go out with her friend or do whatever.

Now I work for a different company that allows me to work from home or from whatever place I like. Also, since I don't have anyone else to look after, I have plenty of time to travel and do whatever I want.

I just didn't have that much time and I had to go to the office to work. I only had Sundays free and we would usually go on walks around the city. After work, I'd look after the kiddo so gf could rest or do whatever she wants.

Three weeks later, he shared this update:

Thanks everyone for the responses and messages! Quite a few have asked for an update, so I thought I'd make a quick one. After I made the original post, I've spent a bit thinking. I reached out to her friend, trying to get some info about. She didn't wanna say much and told me that I should come over.

I ended up going. Ex and her friend were there, kiddo was at school. Honestly felt completely different than I was expecting to feel. Anyways, she had the other breast removed, quickly found out that it spread out and she was just starting with her therapy. Ex suggested to stay until kid returns. I remember what you guys said, but I just couldn't do it. I stayed, because I just wanted to see.

I guess some of you were right about him remembering me, or not. Walks in, says hi, and disappears somewhere (I guess his room?). Walks back after a min and starts staring at me - ".Papa? Papa!" and runs at me. Ex starts crying out loud, and I tear up, barely holding myself from crying (I don't know if it's because of her crying or because of kiddo remembering). It was a great day.

To cut it short, I started visiting her 2-3 times a week, but sadly, things were starting to get worse. Seeing her getting weaker and weaker, I decided to go through with the guardianship. Hired a lawyer, did tons of paperwork, interviews, investigation, and finally found the bio dad.

Ex narrowed a list of people, and even without the dna test, you could see from miles that kiddo was a mini version of one of the guys. Both ex's mom & bio dad signed the consent and waiver, but even if they didn't, they probably wouldn't have a chance to make a difference. After two months, judge made his decision and i finally became a legal guardian.

Sadly, ex passed away, roughly 3 months ago. After which I started the adoption process, that still goes on. Had 2 court hearings so far, and another one will be in ~2 weeks. So far, things went well, so hoping for the best.

I know that I missed a lot of details (not sure if it would be important, but also due to the character limit), but I will be answering any questions you guys have, in the comments below.

How's the kid doing?

He is doing great currently, but the first 2 weeks ,after his mom passed were rough, understandably. We go every Sunday to visit the grave and pick flowers for his mom. He keeps a photo album in his room and I put up framed pics around the place, both old&newer ones.

I was just about to write it in another reply, but here it is -a friend of my friend is a school psychologist, so she came over few times and they talked about death and that stuff. But I think that one book "I will miss you" (or something like that) helped big time.

About bio dad:

I'm glad that he didn't want him. He drinks, most likely a drug user. Lived at his friends place. Apparently he didn't know, but he thought that there was a chance cause he was doing it raw? With the info I have, he probably didn't give a damn. Probably not, but if he changes his mind now, I don't think that anyone would let him.

How did it go with the ex in the last year?

Pretty well. It was awkward at first, but we quickly got along. Roughly a year later (editor's note- how long after they broke up did she get sick). Yes. She apologized multiple times, asked for forgiveness and was very regretful. She wanted to reach out earlier, but was scared.