Adoptive father calls out other adoptive parents in neighborhood; 'Your parenting style is TRAUMATIZING.' AITA?

When this man is furious with neighbors who are also adoptive parents, he asks the internet:

"AITA for telling an adoptive parents that they make me, also an adoptive parent, uncomfortable and that I owe them nothing?"

I'm a single gay man who adopted two boys who are now 7 and 10. Intially, most people automatically assume I'm straight and divorced but eventually find out that that I'm neither.

I downplay my kids' adoption because I don't want my kids to feel different from their peers since no one in their circle of peers is adopted. I find it to be a personal circumstance and no one's business. It's almost like asking my sons are circumcised.

I believe adoption is a beautiful thing. However, the reality is that most adopted kids come from unfortunate situations and those situations can stigmatize adopted kids. People who don't have adopted kids don't understand that because they view the world through their lenses and how the world should be and not how it really is.

My kids are very happy and have a ton of friends. Last month, a gay couple moved on the block and they have three adopted boys who are within the same age range as my kids. The more that I got to know "Mike" and "Dave" the more I disliked them. However my kids liked their kids so I let it be.

Recently my kids stopped playing with their kids because they grew uncomfortable with being asked about their own adoption by Mike and Dave and other people who didn't ask before.

My kids don't want to compare and contrast their adoption experiences for adult's entertainment and curiosity and then be judged. As a result, my kids stopped playing with Mike and Dave's kids.

This led to simmering anger towards me and eventually it came out when my 10yo declined to go to their son's birthday party. Actually no one showed up.

They told me that they were so disappointed that I, as a gay man and dad, didn't show support to their family by coming to their kid's party. I told them upfront that just because we have a couple of things in common, that we are not "bonded" and I owe them nothing.

They asked what they did to me and I said nothing. I'm just not comfortable with how you use your kids as clout. The way you put them on social media like showing off a Porsche and reminding everyone that you're a gay adoptive family.

Yes, my kids are adopted too but they don't want to be around people who want to constantly remind them of it and remind them of trauma. That invites people who know nothing about us to start lecturing, shaming or giving unsolicited advice.

By all means, overshare your kids' personal information and draw attention to them but my family is the opposite. They are happy being Jesse and Matt who like Minecraft, hockey and cooking not those two adopted kids adopted by that gay guy.

Let's see what readers thought:

castoa writes:

YTA. You're level of hatred for these people is really extreme but you literally haven't explained anything they did wrong. Making your kids uncomfortable is unfortunate, but they clearly didn't do it maliciously, and I'm having a hard time understanding why you are so upset. They might be very unlikeable but you're acting like they are leppers.

slayerdem writes:

NTA, as you do not owe them anything. And you decide how much of your kids you want to put online. But there's nothing wrong with the other family proudly showing off their family either. Because of these comments, I'm unsure what bothers you more...the fact that people remind your kids that they are adopted or that they are adopted by a gay man.

Because no matter how much you try to not draw attention to it, your kids wére adopted by a gay man. And there's no shame in that. And neither is there shame in their past. And your kids will be answering questions about where they came from for the rest of their lives.

I see a lot of Reddit posts where parents have tried to erase the past of their adopted kids, and that came back to haunt them when the kids grew up, started to investigate their past, got in touch with their bio family etc.

If your kids feel uncomfortable because being asked about their adoption reminds them of trauma, that's an indicator that they might need some psychological help to deal with their past. If in fact you are the one associating their past with trauma, then maybe this is something that you need to deal with yourself.

frightfest writes:

ESH - you sound equally judgemental of the way they choose to live their life the way they choose to celebrate the lives of the children that bless them. I feel like the gay couple is getting shamed for something millions of people do with their kids on social media every single day.

There is no shame in being adopted and no shame in not wanting to dwell on it, OP is making tons of assumptions about the motivation of the two parents that he does not like. Kids pick up on that. And the neighbors did not need to charge in acting like it was an obligation to be liked.

sparerticle writes:

I think you’re NTA and you can like or dislike anyone you want. Gay adoptive parents aren’t some monolith.

That being said, you failed to make your own boundaries clear, which in turn, exposed your kids to that discomfort. Had you told them your views, and asked them to respect your wishes…talk to their kids, blah blah blah, this may not have happened.

I know it sounds like I’m blaming you, and I’m not, really. But some parents (like them) may not view adoption in the same lens that you do; they may not see the trauma that you see, and they may regard it in a positive light.

So the trauma that you feel they have caused your kids may have been unintentional because they were unaware of your boundaries.

purrest writes:

Gonna go against the grain and say ESH They sound exhausting and if they made your kids uncomfortable and didn't respect their boundaries that sucks and they should feel bad.

You could have had a level headed conversation about it though. It's ok to tell people their behavior makes you uncomfortable. But you let it get to a point where you didn't it with anger.

Also if your boys liked the other boys you could have approached this as an adult and explained the situation to them. Now a 10 year old kid has no one at his party because no one took the time to say "hey guys your behavior is problematic"

Also I hope you and your boys are working on good boundary setting that doesn't involve blowing up at people or always cutting someone off who makes you feel uncomfortable. Life is full of people asking uncomfortable and awkward questions. Saying "I'm not comfortable discussing that part of my life" is ok.

peonyagh writes:

Gently - I think YTA here.

I get that you don't like them. I applaud you for having convictions about protecting your kids privacy about adoption and anything else you consider private about their lives. I think I might be a little annoyed by Mike and Dave too, in your shoes.

But you REALLY went off on them, for the sin of .... having different opinions about how to raise their kids? Maybe Mike and Dave and their kids feel like it's healing to talk about the adoption.

Maybe they feel like hiding it is shameful (like being in the adoption closet?) and they want everyone to know so that their kids never feel like they have to hide it. Maybe they have some other reason for doing what they do that's just as important and fulfilling and valid for their family as your reasons are for your family.

If their family asking your kids about their adoption makes your kids - not you, your kids - uncomfortable, then you can ask them to stop or stop letting them hang out together, the same way you would treat any other situation that makes your kids uncomfortable.

But I think you handle that situation just by saying that they're making your kids uncomfortable, instead of attacking their family and their parenting and their apparent care for their kids. That's too far, and that's why YTA.

lilyy4 writes:

Largely NTA but a little bit of ESH. Seems like Mike and Dave get on your last nerve and you may be being harsher than necessary because they’re annoying.

I’m giving Mike and Dave a little bit of the benefit of the doubt. They can’t omit that there’s a story behind how they have 3 children, they know people will ask. And like many people who may feel defensive or awkward, they go the other way, being as loud as possible.

And if Mike and Dave had a “perfect” or “happy” adoption story, they may not even realize how traumatic some stories are. And they’re clearly believers in the normalization-by-public-declaration approach, which you avoid.

No one showing up to their little boy’s birthday party breaks my heart. Especially if it’s because his parents suck. Or if because they’ve gay and the other kids/parents are homophobic.

For the sake of Mike and Dave’s kids (and future people they interact with) I think it would be kind to reach out one more time, pretend you’re talking to your 7 year old in a tantrum, and try to get through to them.

“My kids’ adoption story is personal. It’s not shameful, but it’s as private as someone’s medical history. They’re welcome to share their story when, how, and IF they feel like it. But I need you two to stop asking about it, and to stop trying to share it with other people.

It’s invasive, it makes them feel gawked at, and it makes them avoid your kids. If anyone asks about me/my kids, just say “OP is the best person to answer that” and leave it alone. “My kids really like X, Y, and Z. And they like playing with them. So we’re willing to re-open this door more slowly, maybe have the kids over at my place, and rebuild here.

“We obviously have very different philosophies to gayness and parenting and life in general. I can assure you I’m not going to stand for anyone harassing you or your kids because you’re gay and they’re adopted. But we don’t seem to mesh much. As long as we can agree to love our kids, and respect each other’s parenting, we can be neighbors.”