'AITA for admitting to my husband that I'm uncomfortable with certain children in our home?'

"AITA for admitting to my husband that I'm uncomfortable with certain children in our home?"

Hello, 31f married to my husband, 35m. Together 10.5 years. We have no kids and live in our house with our elderly dog. We are both from a small city, and a few years ago decided to move to a bigger city nearby.

In recent years, close friends and family have started families and ask to come stay with us when in big city, with their small kids. Our house isn't really kid-friendly, I child-proof best I can to make it safe for guests.

I prepare toys, snacks, Disney+, make it a friendly place. I generally enjoy spending time with the kids in my life. My husband's sister's youngest son (5) has severe behavioral issues. He's been kicked out of 3 daycares and has diagnosed with ODD and ADHD. My SIL comes over for days-long visits with her 3 kids, and he is a huge challenge.

He knocks furniture over, throw things around, he's broken several of my items. He snoops in every single room, constantly. Opens every drawer and cupboard to pull things out. SIL ignores it, I'm the one chasing him around trying to stop him. I am so uncomfortable having my personal spaces invaded.

I once found him snooping in our bedroom. He grabbed something very inappropriate from a drawer and was about to run into the main room with it when I grabbed it. I'm the only adult trying to stop him. Husband and SIL do and say nothing. I tried setting boundaries of rooms that are off limits with my most personal items, but they were ignored.

As well, my husband's best friends have a 4-year-old boy who is very disrespectful in our house. He insults us, screams at my dog, snoops around, wipes his nose on couch pillows and his parents don't do a thing. I don't expect perfect behavior, I just want decent manners and respect in my home.

Now, whenever these specific people ask to come stay with us, I'm filled with anxiety and dread. During SIL's most recent visit, my husband allowed nephew into an off-limits room and he broke a little Lego item my friends' kid made me. Afterwards I told him how I felt about it and that I was struggling with my discomfort.

He was offended. "Every time kids come over, you have a complaint/ kids will be kids / you need to lighten up." Said I'm overreacting about the Lego and it wasn't a big deal. I said the point is that a boundary of mine had been ignored and an item was broken, again.

I explained I have no problems with kids if they can behave. I mentioned the incident of nephew handling a bedroom item. My husband said that I shouldn't let it bother me, and to try to find it funny instead. I know a big part of his defensive reaction is because SIL's family is the only real family he has.

I understand that he's trying to just have a good time with them in his home without negativity. I want to mention I've always conveyed my concerns to him in a respectful and mature way. I still wonder, if I'm actually TA here and maybe I'm being too negative when my husband is just trying to enjoy time with what little family he has left.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

extinct_diplodocus wrote:

NTA and not negative enough. You're acting like, and he's treating you as, a doormat. The rules for somebody staying over should be two yes or one no. This is your home, not a hotel.

You're entitled to a peaceful home and a husband that cares more about you than other family and friends. You still wouldn't be TA if you decided that any children coming over was too many. Let him visit SIL in her home.

OP responded:

I can see how I'm acting like a doormat. I'm not proud of that. I guess it's just hard when I try to share my feelings and I get shut down every single time, told I'm wrong and overreacting, turning into a bitter argument, with no resolution. So exhausting.

HandBananasRevenge wrote:

NTA and I wouldn’t want poorly parented children in my home, either. I have one friend who we never invite over anymore because one of the kids is so poorly behaved and they check out whenever someone is hosting them, meaning we would have to constantly corral their kids while they sit around doing nothing.

Your husband is being an AH for dismissing your concerns and not caring that reasonable boundaries are being broken. I can only wonder how he would feel if the roles were reversed and the bad children belonged to friends or relatives of YOURS and it was HIS stuff getting broken.

OP responded:

That's a good point, and it reminded me, that actually did happen. It's not just the 2 kids I mentioned. My best friend's kid was once in our home acting up, and as I recall, he was more reactive in that situation. He did activities with the kid to distract him and was even on him when he attempted to disrespect an item of his.

I think he's just extra sensitive when it comes to his own blood family because he doesn't get to see them often, which hurts him. The family's been through a lot of tough stuff. I just wish he could at least understand where I'm coming from in this particular situation, but he either doesn't, or he won't. So frustrating.

Hungry-Book wrote:

NTA. Kids will be kids but if those parents aren’t HELPING correct their children while visiting, I wouldn’t want them in my own. Family or not.

OP responded:

And I think that's the main problem. It's so frustrating to witness.

dryadduinath wrote:

No. NTA. They’re breaking things and getting into your nightstand (I assume), that’s not something that should be able to happen without a parent on their ass apologizing profusely.

If your husband refuses to listen, start locking away things you don’t want broken, lock rooms the kids have no reason to be in, and be clear that your husband will need to clean up after his family. As well as replacing the things they break. You can love children and still expect their parents to actually keep parent.

OP responded:

Great advice. My friend also gave me the advice of locking doors. My doors don't lock so would have to buy those childproof doorknob things. Then I felt annoyed at the idea of spending my own money because the parents won't parent!

I'm so glad to have my discomfort with the bedroom issue validated, he didn't see the problem at all. Um, because I don't want anyone, especially a little kid, touching things like that!! I should've let him run into the main room with it and ask "Mommy, what's this?" And left that to her...

sugarsyrupguzzler wrote:

NTA. If their parents wont parent, become a dick and a dictator and get angry. If they don't like it, they can LEAVE.

OP responded:

I think it might have to come to that. Then I will be the 'bad guy'...but I don't want to be the doormat.

pillow_princess222 wrote:

NTA.

Why are you cleaning up and not him.

OP responded:

Fantastic question. He's never been able to give me a good answer to that.

Outside_guidance4752 wrote:

NTA stand up for yourself, your husband is belittling you. Tell your husband the lay of the land. Either he and you SIL can supervise the children properly the whole time they’re there so nothing gets broken, snooped in or turned over or it’s going to be a no for visits. Also open your mouth and tell SIL/the friend directly when something crosses your boundaries while they’re over.

OP responded:

I know that you're right. I should be talking to SIL and friend, I'm just so awkward at confrontation and I guess I feel like I shouldn't have to remind people to control their kids! Clearly I do. I've tried multiple times to stand up for myself to him about this but I get shut down and basically gaslighted, and it turns into a bitter fight every single time! It's so maddening.

Whatdidthatgirlsay wrote:

NTA - Your husband isn’t going to change his position. The solution here is to firmly speak up immediately when bad behavior begins:

“Johnny, no, are not allowed to enter that room. Mom, can you please redirect Johnny to a suitable activity, please? That room is off limits and my direction is being ignored. Thanks!”

Do not allow the behavior to continue.