'AITA for allowing my friend to bring her stuffed animal to me and my fiancés wedding?' UPDATED

"AITA for allowing my friend to bring her stuffed animal to me and my fiancés wedding?"

I (27f) am getting married to my fiancé Kay(26m). our wedding is only a few months away. This problem has to do with my friend Kennedy(27f) who is also gonna be a bridesmaid. She has autism and always has some sort of plush with her to squeeze and hold on too when we’re out, along with a pair of headphones.

A few years ago I got her a frog plush from build a bear for her birthday and she loved it. She named it Hocus and loves buying and making clothes for it. Even her boyfriend thinks it’s adorable how attached she is to it today. My fiancé never had a problem with Kennedy until she asked if it was okay to bring Hocus with her to our wedding.

I don’t know why but it upset him and he told her no. I asked him about it later that day and he said it would be weird and childish. But I never really thought it was childish. When she does bring Hocus out with her she just has it sitting on her lap and squeezing its hand.

This might be where I am TA because I told Kennedy it’s fine if she brings it along. Even encourage her to make a dress for it that matched the one she was gonna wear(pink) my fiancé found out and was livid. I tried to tell him that it wasn’t a big deal and that it was just a stuffed animal that wouldn’t draw any attention. Even then he still won’t budge and is refusing to talk to me. Was I really wrong?

The internet had a lot of thoughts about the situation.

strawbbella wrote:

He shouldn’t be negative and you're a great friend, but I personally wouldn't want someone's stuffed animal in the background of my wedding ceremony and party pictures.

OP responded:

It’s just for the ceremony and the reception. She agrees to keep it in her seat during photos.

melodymountain wrote:

NTA. Been a wedding photographer for over a decade. At my wedding just LAST WEEK, the groom’s daughter (17 years old I believe?) had autism. She had a mini fidget toy/plush tied onto her bouquet, and toys + headphones accompanied her down the aisle to stand next to her dad in the best man’s spot. Guess who cared? NO ONE.

We got to witness this beautiful child support her dad in the best way she could, and her having those comforts allowed her to be present and I even got stunning photos of her crying during her dad’s and new stepmom’s vows, and her stepmom even wrote a vow just for her.

Wedding decisions are a two yes, one no’s decision, but I do believe your partner is being unreasonable and don’t understand why he would even care.

TrainingDearest wrote:

ESH. This is one of those things that you have a DISCUSSION about and work it out. Both of you are being dismissive of the other's opinion/feelings. This is a wedding of TWO people and neither of you gets to 'override' the other. Doing something behind his back is just as wrong as him not being considerate of your friend's needs.

srgonzo75 wrote:

NTA. You’re making an accommodation for your neurodivergent friend, and your fiancée is concerned with how things look. A wedding doesn’t make a marriage, and your friend can leave Hocus out of the pictures if it’s that big of a deal. The groomsmen are his responsibility, the bridesmaids are yours, and it’s not up to him to make sure everyone is as mature as he’d like to be.

jilltro wrote:

ESH Your fiance is an AH for getting bent out of shape over a toy frog. You are an AH for going behind your fiancé’s back concerning his own wedding. It’s not a big deal to you but it clearly is to him. Instead of talking about it and working on a solution together you just did whatever you want and even told your friend to make the frog into more of a spectacle.

After receiving some feedback, OP shared an update.

Hi! Thank you to everyone for the supports and advice. I currently talking to my fiancé and attempt to compromise with him. And I love the ideas some of you are thinking of!

We will have Hocus in some of the bridesmaid photos with every bridesmaids approval. (If Kay agrees to keep him there) and Kennedy's about to start getting to work on the dress as soon as she finds the fabric the same color as the dress.

The comments kept coming in.

laurasdiary wrote:

NTA. It’s alarming the your fiancé is being so negative about her bringing a beloved stuffie with her for the ceremony. It shows a lack of caring and compassion on his part. His priorities are off in a disturbing way.

famous_specialist44 wrote:

I think weddings are as much about friends and family as the bride and groom because together they make it a memorable event. On that basis if your friend wants to bring a plush toy, attired appropriately, that's all good and you are NTA.

However, everyone has their own appropriateness measures when it comes to weddings including in some cases colour schemes, dress codes, children or child free, seating plans and lord knows what else - ultimately the bride and groom have to communicate with each other, come to agreement and then together share their agreed position with guests. That's the start of a healthy marriage. Good luck.

KBD_in_PDX wrote:

NTA normally I would say that weddings should be about the desires of both the parties... but in this case, your fiance is being kind of a dick. Kennedy's little frog will literally affect him in NO way at all, yet it will greatly affect Kennedy to be without it.

It sounds like Kennedy is realistic about keeping the froggy at her spot, and will basically just have it available if needed...your partner is 'putting his foot down' for no reason at all...

buttweave wrote:

ESH your fiance already said he had an issue and you ignored him completely on it. That's really not a good sign for the marriage.

Momadvice1982 wrote:

NTA. Would he rather she has a meltdown during the ceremony? I get not wanting the stuffed animal in your main wedding photo's but it's pretty easy to photoshop and it would be way worse if she feels overstimulated and breaks down. And that's 100% not her fault.

The not talking to you is a major red flag. It's fine to want space for a little while but not talking is such a toddler move. Don't marry someone who can't communicate, offer compromises and gives the silent treatment.

Dorzack wrote:

ESH - Your fiancé for their reaction, but also how you are both handling it. You are both being dismissive of the other person. You are supposed to be starting a life together and communication is key.

SOURCE: Married over 30 years, and have had lots of ups and downs in that time.

Substantial-Sir-9947 wrote:

ESH, Fiance should be more understanding but I mean let’s be honest, people are going to notice they are going to think it’s a bit strange. If your friend is able to get through the day without it (without that hurting her) and your fiancé really doesn’t want it there then you should respect that.

If she needs it, she needs it , and he should shut up. It was pretty messed up to basically tell your friend “go ahead bring it and make it stand out more” when the other person who’s event this is also, already said they didn’t want it there.