'AITA for asking my husband to recover from surgery at his parent's house instead of ours?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for trying to get my husband to recover from his surgery at his parents house instead of helping him myself?"

One week ago I had a traumatic delivery, after pushing for over 6 hours I had to have an emergency c section and delivered our first baby. on top of the pain from the c section - I pulled my back out from pushing for so long and the doctors told me I had the worst vaginal swelling they’ve ever seen.

So, recovering from that wasn’t fun at all either. A couple days before my due date he fractured his ankle at a softball game and got surgery for it yesterday. I’m in so much pain from tits to toes and since I didn’t have as much help from him I was forced to do a lot way too quickly which hindered my own recovery.

It’s hard enough having a newborn rely on me, which I’ve been managing fine. But having my husband whine about how much pain his ankle it in and having to cater to him would not be good for my own mental health and I think he will heal way quicker if he just toughs out his hardest days with his parents so his mom can take care of him.

The baby doesn’t rely on him right now and it doesn’t matter to the baby that he won’t be here even though I know he misses the baby and I understand why he wants to be here.

I know that it’s my job as his wife to care for him and I wish I had more sympathy for what he’s going through but the lack of support I’ve felt during my pregnancy and delivery and post partum has just made me kind of numb to it all.

That sounds horrible but this whole thing has just been very hard on me and I’m sure it hasn’t been fun for him either but these are just the cards that I've been dealt with and i’m trying to do what’s best for me so that i can do what’s best for our baby and the quicker I can recover the quicker I will be able to be there to help him.

Not long after posting, OP shared two updates.

EDIT: I spoke with his mom and she understands that it’s best for him to recover at least the week while he’s at his house or at least until he’s not completely bed bound. My mom has been with me and I'm not alone.

He wouldn’t expect me to do anything for him and would try and be as self sufficient as possible but he almost completely wiped out in the kitchen the other day trying to clear his own plate…he did also have a major surgery and will need some help that I currently cannot provide him with and i just want what will be best for him.

As for the people who think ITA for the way that i spoke of my husband… I love him with my entire heart and he is a good husband and a good father and I am aware that I definitely do hold a bit of resentment surrounding the entire situation and the entire labor and delivery process and recovery which is just one of those it is what it is situations and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.

I feel bad that he’s in pain I genuinely would never want to see him in pain but due to everything that’s happened I don’t have the sympathy to give…like hearing about how 8 hours of sleep doesn’t have him well rested or how he’s so uncomfortable it’s hard to sleep (as if i haven’t been dealing with that for half my pregnancy).

I’m also a new mom and my hormones are all over the place trying to adjust to everything. not looking for any sympathy for myself I just wanted to know if my feelings and reaction to any of this was valid.

UPDATE 2: A lot of the comments are coming for my husband or being dismissive of his pain which was never my intention from making this post. The other half of the comments i’m seeing are coming for me for putting this out on the internet or for not having any sympathy and comparing our pain.

I understand he is in a tremendous amount of pain as well and that his recovery is going to be a long one. I hate to see him in any pain at all and I do feel bad for everything he is going through but it’s hard to have sympathy when this all could have been avoided in the first place and the timing of it all was just awful.

I read as many comments as I can and appreciate everyone giving me an outside perspective on my situation. I’m really struggling mentally emotionally and physically and I’m sure that he is too and i’m hoping that we both can recover soon from all of this.

The internet did not hold back.

InstructionTop4805 wrote:

NTA. You shouldn't even be out of bed yet! Is he able to walk at all? Sounds like you both need help. Him going to Mom's is a partial solution, but you still need help post partum. You shouldn't even be lifting anything heavier than your baby or navigating stairs or any walk longer than bathroom and back.

OP responded:

That’s why I've been struggling so much, because I’ve been forced to be constantly on my feet, bending over, sitting up on my own because he hasn’t been able to help me during this process at all before his surgery.

He would help by putting his foot up and changing the babies diaper or holding the baby but I haven’t had any help with my own recovery and I'm in a lot of pain besides the c section I pulled my back out from all the pushing I did before they got me in the OR and it’s just been really hard.

jmbbl wrote:

"I know that it’s my job as his wife to care for him."

What about his job? Does he not have to care for you and your child? It sounds like he thinks his ankle trumps childbirth and caring for a newborn! Tell him to suck it up. NTA.

Banterphobic wrote:

NTA - you have to do what’s best for your own health, and consequently the health of the baby, at a time like this and your husband should support you in that even if it means he misses out.

Your husband is also the AH for the lack of support during your pregnancy, which may point to bigger issues in your you relationship, but I won’t focus on that here as it is not the point of your question. However I can’t help but feel that there is a better solution here than you doing everything for the baby by yourself while husband stays with his mother.

If the mother is available to care for her son, is she maybe also available to help with her grandchild? If she lives locally then maybe she could come over for a few hours a day to both support your husband, and take care of the baby while you get some rest.

Or you could even all go and stay with her, if that works for her and is practical. Obviously I don’t know your whole family dynamic and if husband’s needy, unhelpful tendencies come from his upbringing then maybe grandma is not the best option, but if she’s open to helping then she could be a great resource.

OP responded:

I have my mom helping me at home. I’m trying to do everything on my own but she will help when I need or step in if she thinks I need to try and rest or to let me shower and she’ll make sure I’m eating. She’s so good with the baby and I don’t really trust anyone else to help. I especially don’t trust his mom as bad as that sounds it just makes me really anxious.

RB1327 wrote:

"I’m trying to do what’s best for me so that i can do what’s best for our baby"

INFO: Do you have someone else to stay with you?

OP rsponded:

My mom is here. She helps me by making sure I'm eating, and holding the baby to let me shower and taking the baby to try and let me get some sleep because I haven’t been sleeping. She’s been really helpful.

Amiedeslivres wrote:

NTA.

I had a broken ankle (still have hardware in it, 25 years later). For the first few days, even standing was a no-no—foot had to be elevated. And that sucker hurt like hell any time it caught even a little fresh swelling, so so I followed those instructions.

Until I was weight-bearing, there were many ordinary things I couldn’t do, or do efficiently. Try carrying a plate of food while using crutches. It takes practice. Getting laundry done, ay-yi-yi. I was lucky to be near family at the time.

And I did use prescribed pain meds that first week. (Ankles HURT.) There is no way your man should be allowed to, for example, fall asleep with the baby while dosed on the heavy pain relief. That’s just dangerous. So he won’t even be able to hold baby for long stretches until he’s off whatever heavy stuff they send home with him.

I’m also a parent of twins who were born by C-section. There is no way a new mom at just a week postpartum, who should be lifting nothing heavier than a baby and focusing on Eat-Activity with baby-Sleep-You (EASY) should be carrying the full load for the household alone AND tending to the needs of a temporarily disabled adult.

It sucks massively that your husband was injured. I’m sure it has completely thrown all your and his expectations out the window. He’s going to have to just experience feeling sad about this and get through it, but you can’t have him with you unless he brings his own full-time caregiver who is 100% on the job.

Your husband is being super selfish and clueless. He completely underestimates how much help he needs, and how much you need. He could choose to make your life easier and show you support and care, but he’s centring his disappointment over your very real needs. I’m so sorry this is happening to you, OP. I hope he comes to his senses.

LavenderKitty1 wrote:

NTA. You are recovering from major surgery yourself.

If he’s needing help moving around or fetching things, you aren’t capable of that now. If he’s able to stay at his parents’ place that will help you.

And if you have a mum or sister or close friend who can help you for the next week that would be good too.

If he falls and needs help getting up, you would not be capable of doing that until your surgery scars heal