'AITA because we won’t let my cousin and her kids live with us even though we have space?'

"AITA because we won’t let anyone live with us?"

Background- we have a beautiful 4200 sq foot home in a beautiful neighborhood. We have no children and it’s our happy place. Several years back we allowed a friend to live with us as she was going through a divorce and moving back to her home state. It ended up being a disaster. She was an alcoholic and want was suppose to be a few weeks ended up being 6 months before we kicked her out.

My husband and I made a pact that no one would be able to stay longer than a visit like Christmas week, etc. since then we’ve had the following:

My dad's ex wife wanted to move in as she was having financial issues: we said NO.

My uncle wanted us to take in my cousin and her four children because she was experiencing homelessness due to her addiction and he wanted them to be in a stable environment. (So it’s okay to make our environment unstable???) We said NO.

Now another friend keeps bringing up moving with us because we have all this room. Again we said NO.

We are getting very tired of people continuing to move in as we have the room! Are we being AHs?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

Competitive_Maize996 wrote:

When I had a house that big, people would come out of the woodwork trying to get space in there. You have to stand your ground to keep your peace.

OP responded:

Thank you. Yes it does feel like people come out of the woodwork. We have the most recent friend asking who brings it up all time. We try to make light of it but it’s disappointing to feel b--ied.

lotusblossom60 wrote:

I had a woman whose house got destroyed in a natural disaster. Come and stay with me for two months. She was the most selfish b#$ch I’ve ever met in my life. She ate all my food. She had a party when I went away for a weekend.

She rearranged stuff in my kitchen how she liked it to be. I could literally go on for a half an hour. The reason I didn’t say anything was because she was in my friend group and women can be so friggin b#$%hy. The only reason she left was because I told her that someone was coming to stay. She literally left at the last possible minute.

OP responded:

I’m so sorry you went through that. It is very shocking when some takes advantage and doesn’t appreciate everything you did by giving them a place to stay.

gurlwithdragontat wrote:

NTA - every example you used shows somebody tertiary trying to foist responsibility they are tired of dealing with onto you. Uncle dumping cousin (and 4 kids!!! sorry, who will be expected to provide for and care for these children while their mother is an active addiction???), ex stepmom needing help (which like why would you ever be the person to offer that support?), and a friend.

Your choice to not have children does not mean your life and home are in an infinite transitional period where people can come settle their things as if you don’t have a life going on. It’s presumptuous, dismissive, and completely entitled.

Sarahmegatron wrote:

NTA. It’s really rude for your friends and family to keep trying to convince you to allow them to move in with you and your husband. And specifically in your cousin’s case, she’s going to have so many struggles and issues that it would be a nightmare to have her live in your home, she needs real help.

MadreBella wrote:

NTA. I live alone in a 2000sf house because my daughter left for college and now career and my husband of 24 years left when she did. It's been 6 years and just the last two I have really started enjoying the sanctuary of my home- decorating how I want, keeping it super clean, etc.

Recently my niece was accepted to a local university and my SIL- who I love - has been insinuating jokingly but not jokingly that my niece can live with me.

She's welcome here ANY time. If her dorm mate is sick or she just needs to study or needs a college break she can come on over- but she's not living with me. I work 50+ hours a week and often dinner is a tuna sandwich and some cheezits, I feel like an AH but she has a LARGE scholarship and this just isn't something I'm comfortable with.

Deep-Okra1461 wrote:

NTA. Think of your home as being a leech detector. Everyone who does more than ask once if you would let them live there for a short time and won't accept no for an answer is a leech. They want to attach themselves to you. In the event that you allow someone to live there again, just set the rules before they move in.

Set a time limit for how long they can stay. Nothing stupid like "Until you get on your feet" it needs to be a clear limit like "For 30 days." Then enforce the rules and time limit. They break a rule? Kick them out. The time limit is up? Kick them out.

Correct_Opening1849 wrote:

NTA. For the first 12 years of our relationship dh's family lived with us at various points. Our home was not our home. When we were finally able to buy a house I said absolutely none of his family could live with us. I made one exception and that was for his brother after he was in a major accident.

That ended up being another nightmare. I ended up being his caretaker since he was not mostly independent like we were told. It got so bad I nearly left my husband. We have been approached several times since he moved out and I will 100% never allow anyone else to ever live with us again. Your home is your sanctuary. You should always feel comfortable in it.