'AITA for being honest about why I wasn’t going to be at my parents’ house when my sister visited?'
"AITA for being honest about why I wasn’t going to be at my parents’ house when my sister visited?"
My sister, 51, (let’s call her Jane) rarely communicates with the family, doesn’t return texts, and often seems selfish with her time. Despite this, I’ve tried to maintain a relationship with her because I love my nephew (11). About a month ago, Jane told me I was not allowed to be at our parents’ house when she visited with my nephew (her son).
She explained that she wanted time alone with our parents because she doesn’t get much of it. I can understand that—wanting alone time with them makes sense. But if that’s the case, tell them yourself. Don’t leave it to me to do your dirty work. Recently, our parents let me know Jane was coming to visit and asked if I would be there. I said, “No, I’m not allowed to be here when Jane visits.”
I knew my dad (90) wouldn’t like hearing that, and sure enough, he let Jane know what I said and he was not happy I love my dad, but he has been verbally ab-sive to his kids all of our lives. Me being the oldest, I have tried to shield my siblings from the wrath. He gets very hurtful and has called me “ct”, “stupid b-*” you get the drift. I made peace with this because he has been to therapy, started meds, etc.
Does he still have a temper, sometimes, do I ignore his 90 year old outbursts? You bet, because he is generous of spirit, weird and funny that other 90%. Now Jane is furious with me for “escalating” things, but I don’t think I did anything wrong. I didn’t create this situation—she did. I wasn’t going to lie or cover for her to make things easier for her.
She made this choice, and I simply spoke the truth about her incredibly selfish and hurtful decision. I’ve chosen to live near my parents to spend meaningful time with them, and I’ve worked hard to build and maintain that relationship. I’m not going to apologize for that or let Jane shift the blame onto me because she didn’t want to have an uncomfortable conversation.
This feels like part of an endless cycle where Jane puts me in difficult situations and then gets mad at me when I don’t protect her from the consequences. I’m seriously considering going no contact with her and setting up visits with my nephew through his dad, because this is exhausting, but I’m not sure if that’s the right decision. So, AITA for telling my parents the truth and refusing to cover for my sister?
The internet had a lot to say in response.
uniquesophia wrote:
NTA. She set the situation up, you just didn’t lie for her, sounds like she’s mad cuz she didn’t wanna face the consequences of her own request.
Kelsarlabs wrote:
I have one of those, I do the same thing, lol. Our parents are gone, neither me or the other two sisters talk to her anymore.
OP responded:
I hate this dynamic, but I love my nephew. We have never gotten along, but are cordial, until now.
Temporary_Alfala686 wrote:
NTA did you tell Jane you would tell the truth?
OP responded:
She knows that I never lie, because I will end up forgetting what I said 😂😂😂
Livid-Supermarket-44 wrote:
What a weird family dynamic.
You guys always pulling this silly s--t with each other?
OP responded:
Lots of ab-se growing up. Therapy has been helpful. Unfortunately, some families have these situations.
tangerine_android wrote:
Gonna be unpopular but YTA.
What OP says her sister actually said to her:
She said “please do not be there when I visit with X.” [...]
"She explained that she wanted time alone with our parents because she doesn’t get much of it."
What did OP say to her father:
"Recently, our parents let me know Jane was coming to visit and asked if I would be there. I said, “No, I’m not allowed to be here when Jane visits.” I knew my dad(90) wouldn’t like hearing that, and sure enough, he let Jane know what I said.and he was not happy."
OP was dialing up the language, and knew her father would react poorly.
This bit I'm also confused by [about OP's sister wanting to spend time with the father without OP]:
"Tell them yourself. Don’t leave it to me to do your dirty work."
Why is it dirty work? I don't actually see what the problem is - it doesn't sound like the sister said "you can't mention this to Dad."
Did OP actually communicate that there was a problem to her sister -- e.g. "hey, this isn't something I'm comfortable with, tell Dad yourself? Instead, OP chose to "escalate things" (to quote her sister) and get a negative reaction out of her father.
"I love my dad, but he has been verbally abusive to his kids all of our lives. Me being the oldest, I have tried to shield my siblings from the wrath."
Your dad is responsible for his own behaviour, but it doesn't actually sound like you're trying to shield your sister here - quite the opposite.
lazerlike42 wrote:
I think this is a case of a soft everyone sucks here. Your sister sounds, at least as described, to be clearly in the wrong but with an understandable reason for wanting to do what she has done. She may have a legitimate concern but has handled it in a way that could have been much better.
For instance, why did she just directly try to "ban you" rather than just saying something like, "hey, I'm visiting on X days, would you be willing to let me have some alone time with mom and dad?"
This is, of course, assuming that she really did just directly prohibit you from coming rather than requesting that you didn't come, something about which I am seeing some mixed messages from you in other comments.
On the other hand, your response to your father sounds passive aggressive, as though you knew it would upset your father and get him to "go after" your sister for it - BUT as described you have an understandable reason for being upset at the situation. So all in all, the story I am getting is one where everyone has legitimate concerns but has responded to them in ways that could be better.
Akasgotu wrote:
YTA, and a passive-aggressive one at that. You claim that you understand Jane wanting to spend some alone time with your parents, but instead of saying, "Jane expressed that she'd like to spend some time with just you and mom this time." or something similar, you deliberately made it sound as if Jane had forbade you from being there.
If she actually did tell you you weren't allowed to be there, then you should have addressed the fact that it's not her decision to make. You are both too old to be hanging on to this type of sibling rivalry.