'AITA for blindsiding my fiancé, leaving him without giving him a chance to explain his side?'
"AITA for blindsiding my fiancé, leaving him without giving him a chance to explain his side?"
Hi all, it's been a week since I left my fiancé's apartment and guilt is starting to eat me up so I decided to post and maybe get some outside perspective. Apologies in advance for the grammar as English is not my first language.
I'll also use fake names for the privacy of everyone's involve (I didn't know this will get so long, even after removing some parts. If you guys want to go straight to the issue, please scroll until you find "The Issue" part).
For Background: My fiancé (27M, let's call him Jake) and I (27F) met during the last 2 years of highschool. His parents are both business people in the City but moved to our town for a change of scenery.
I was the first one to actually talk to him and introduced him to my friends (he was very shy but got comfy with us). We eventually became bestfriends. Later on, I developed a huge crush on him but didn't confess as I was afraid that if my feelings were unrequited, it will affect our friendship. I used to teased him about us getting married when we grow up though, and he goes along with it.
We got separated in college as we took different fields (he took Business Ad and I took IT) and he attended his dream school back in the city which his parents fully supported. I, on the other hand, attended a local college as we're not wealthy enough to get me anywhere.
My mom died when I was 7 which destroyed my dad. He fell into bad habits and only pulled himself together when he had a health scare when I was 12. He had to switch to a lighter job though because of this.
We're living comfortably but I didn't want to bother him for my personal expenses so I took a part time job at my aunt's bakery. I also took a scholarship which helped my dad with my college expenses.
Jake goes home to visit his parents every weekend. This was also the time where our friend group hangs out. As the time passes, our friends start to get busier to the point that it's just us two that continued hanging out.
During this time, he met his then girlfriend (27F, let's call her Claire). He asked me one weekend if he should confess and told him that if that's what will makes him happy. A month later, he brought Claire with him to introduce her to his parents as well as our friend group.
Claire was visibly tensed around me so I did my best so she wouldn't. Jake doesn't visit as often anymore but if he does, he always bring Claire with him. As for me, I still have feelings for him, but seeing him happy was already enough for me.
I respected his relationship and became more careful with my interactions with him. We used to chat a lot but now, we only chat if it's him initiating. Whenever the two of them come to visit, I maintain my distance and avoid crossing any boundaries.
However, one weekend, Jake came home alone and asked me if we could talk. Side note about Jake, he's stupidly honest. When he wants to say something important, he always wanted to do it personally, not through chat/text/call, or even third party.
That's why I was so nervous when he asked me. I met him in our usual hangout spot and there he told me that we might not be able to hangout anymore as often. He told me that Claire was actually not comfortable with our friendship and they already start having some disagreements.
He told me he was sorry, that he doesn't know what else to do. I told him that it's okay and that I will always be right here if he needed. Once I got home, I chatted Claire and apologized for making her feel uncomfortable.
She apologized too and acknowledged my efforts for not crossing any boundaries but she just can't shake the feeling of unease. After that I cried the whole night. Thankfully my dad was there to comfort me. He told me to let all my pain out and promised myself to never cry on the same reason again.
After that, the communication between Jake and I goes down to just greetings during birthdays and holidays. I just focused on myself and was able to get my degree. I took some interviews and landed on a job in the city (most tech companies are in there).
I had to move to the city alone at first, but after my dad relapsed and got hospitalized, I brought him with me (at first he doesn't want to as he hate living in the city but I was persistent as I don't want him out of my sight, I don't want to lose another parent).
One afternoon during late October of 2019, I was doing some groceries when I bumped into Jake. I was so surprised seeing him personally after almost 4 years. He greeted me and said he was relocated to this city and was living nearby. He then invited me to a nearby café to catch up which I accepted.
We pretty much caught up with everything that happened. I asked him how him and Claire are doing. He fell silent then took a deep breath and told me they already broke up around March that year.
He told me that they discovered how different their life goals were which led to a lot of arguments. They then decided to split up in good terms but he said it actually hurts him so much as Claire was his first love after all. The air felt tense so I just shifted the conversation back to our high school days.
He brought up how I used to teased him about marrying him when we grow up and joked about us being adults now. At that moment, I just decided to confessed to him, that I actually had a huge crush on him and decided not to confess because I was afraid to lose what friendship we have.
I then let go of it when he brought Claire one day as a respect to their relationship. He again, fell silent, then apologized. He said he just realized how big the impact probably was when he asked me to go LC for Claire's sake.
I told him that it's fine and that I think that's the best we can do to put Claire at ease that time. He was visibly guilty so I told him that it's all in the past now. After that he offered to drive me home which saved me some money on commute. I thanked him and we started chatting again like the old times.
Our friend group decided to have a reunion around December that year. It's also when Jake asked me on a date. He said he did some reflection and realized that maybe he was actually dating the wrong girl all along.
Shocked, but I agreed on the date and it led to another until we became official. Came 2020, with the threat from the virus, my dad and I decided to go back to town before the city lockdown.
Jake also decided to be with his family during this time so all three of us travelled back to town. Jake introduced me as his gf to his parents through vid call (they already knew me for a long time now as I was the first friend Jake had back in highschool). They were overjoyed about it which made us happy.
Mid 2022, I lost my dad. I was so mad at myself as I was seeing the signs. I was begging for him to get checked but he keeps telling me he's fine. We got him checked but it was too late. I was so heartbroken, losing my remaining parent.
Fortunately, my aunt's family and Jake's family were very supportive. Jake even promised on my dad's grave that he will take care of me for the rest of our lives which brought me to tears.
After his funeral, we decided that I'll move to Jake's apartment (we have to go back to the city as companies started requiring employees to go to office again) and from then, we were living together.
Fast forward to Jake's department's new year's party in 2024. Their families were invited but since Jake's parents weren't able to travel, I was the only one he can bring. What I didn't expect was him proposing to me that night.
Everyone was in on it and it was actually so magical. After everything that happened between us back in college, this is something I never imagined that will happen but here we are.
It was actually a dream come true. We decided to get married on June. I thought everything will be smooth sailing from here but unfortunately, this is when everything starts to go downhill.
The Issue: Around March 2024, I started to see some changes on Jake. He was a bit distant and doesn't talk as much as before. Worried, I immediately talked to him about this. He told me that this was actually a very challenging year for their company than last year.
He's blaming it on stress and apologized. I believed him, as I said earlier, he's stupidly honest. But he didn't change for the better, I think his behavior gotten worse. He didn't have any signs of cheating.
Although I've seen him more glued to his phone, he never really hide it from me. I knew his passcode and had my own fingerprint registered on his phone and he never changed or removed it. He never goes home on unreasonable hours, no late night work or any work travels at all. I had many sit downs with him and he always blames stress.
Now, it's already nearing the end of April and no plans was created for our wedding. Jake asked to talk and asked me to move the wedding to September. He said he was still pretty much occupied (work) and doesn't want to get on our special day distracted instead of being happy.
I understood this so we moved the wedding to September. But, we had the same talk during August and moved the wedding to November, until we ultimately decided to get married on May next year.
He was very apologetic and I told him that I understood but to please do something for himself as I'm starting to get worried about him. I stopped having these conversations with him as I feel like it only adds more pressure to him which I didn't want.
One day in the late January 2025, Jake had a headache in the morning that he had to take an SL for the day. I made sure he had everything he needed before leaving for work and planning to check on him in the afternoon.
I remember it was raining all day that time. I went back to check on him during lunch but was not prepared on what I was about to witness. When I opened the door, I saw him and Claire, kissing in the hallway to our bedroom.
I froze and just stared back at them until my vision started to get blurry. My mind went everywhere but I was snapped back to reality when Jake called my name, he was about to approach me so I instinctively did a 180 and power walked out the apartment building.
It felt like I disconnected with my body and it went on autopilot. I don't know where to go but the goal was to get far away. I was swimming with thoughts and lost my awareness. I was pulled back down to earth when I slipped and fell down the stairs outside our apartment building.
I slid down from the last 4 steps and hit my head on the edge of the step. I felt an intense pain immediately on my head and tried rubbing the area, thinking it will lessen the pain but panic sets in when I saw blood on my hand. I was so stressed and overwhelmed that I lost consciousness, before I blacked out, I heard Jake calling me.
Woke up in a hospital few hours later. The nurse said that fortunately, I didn't break any bones but expect some pain on my lower body as I had huge bruises. She also said that they already scanned my head (as per Jake's request) and didn't find anything serious, but they had to stitch my head wound.
She said I'll be under observation overnight and if nothing goes wrong, then I'll be able to be discharged the next day. She reminded me to please inform them if I feel anything wrong so they can check immediately. I thanked her and she left.
As soon as she left, Jake rushed to my side and held my hand, which I pulled back. He asked me to please let him explain as what I've seen was a misunderstanding. I didn't talked nor look at him that time because my heart will break but I think he took my silence as yes.
He took a deep breath and started explaining that during their company wide celebration (around March) he unexpectedly met Claire. He swear he didn't know Claire was also working on the same company (he said she's probably on different department, which means different location).
At first, he wanted to ignore her but since they split up on a good note, he hesitantly greeted her back. And then he said they started talking again after that. Something in me snapped when I heard that because I knew he started acting strange around the same time.
I cut him off and asked him if that's the reason why he started getting distant. He's visibly shocked and was about to defend himself but I didn't let him. I told him that it all made sense now, why he changed all of sudden, why he had to move our wedding 3x.
It's because him and Claire met again. I started ugly crying and asked why he did this to me. I was kind to him all throughout, why would he take me so high just to drop me back down. He's trying to comfort me but I didn't let him.
He then took another deep breath and told me that we should just continue our conversation next time when I calmed down. He told me that I'm currently overwhelmed and will not accept anything he will say because my emotions will control me. He said he'll give me my space and he went to bed opposite the room.
I tried to compose myself as the nurses check me every 30 mins I think, but I can't hide myself silently crying. Fortunately, none of them pry and just advised me to take some rest.
I just kept crying and around midnight, I heard Jake left the room, leaving me alone with my thoughts. What else could it be then? Why would he be kissing his ex, in our apartment, in the hallway to our bedroom? Why didn't he tell me they met again for a whole year then? Was he just blaming everything on stress to cover up?
I didn't see any signs of him cheating. Is he testing the waters? Is he checking if the two of them could work things out and if not, he'll just marry me instead? I felt like my whole world just crumbled down. I guessed everything was indeed just a fantasy.
After getting discharged, I knew he was trying to bring up the conversation again but he can't. We were not talking ever since it happened. My performance at work dropped which my manager asked me if there's any problem.
I was closed to her as we worked together for so many years now, so I was comfortable spilling everything out to her. She told me, maybe I should take a LOA and get into therapy.
But since we are only allowed to take up to 2 months of LOA, I don't think It'll be enough for me. I also don't want to be a burden to my teammates so decided to resign and let her know. She told me to contact her if I wanted to come back which I appreciated.
I rendered my last 1 month through Feb and March and Jake didn't know anything about this. I felt so suffocated and really wanted out. I feel like dying everyday and it's like the pain gets more intense the longer I stay with him.
I planned to also just leave him and go back to town, which I already let my Aunt know (she's currently the caretaker of our family home). Last week when Jake left for work, I packed my bags and left. I left a note for him with the engagement ring and told him all the things I can't say personally as I'm too hurt to face him.
I arrived at my family home around dusk. He tried calling and texting me but I ignored all of it, I just sent him a text that I safety arrived and to please give me some space. He replied that he will still be waiting for me to give him a chance to talk and will not bother me anymore.
What pushed me to post this is because his parents visited me earlier today. His mom (57F, let's call her Anna) informed me that Jake also went home 2 days after I left. She said he was a wrecked. She asked what happened and he only informed them about what I saw.
His parents were obviously shocked but he said it was not the full story. When asked, he didn't want to tell them because he was suspecting that they will visit me and tell me what he told them and he didn't like it. He said he wanted to tell everything to me by himself and wanted everything to come from him. Even when they promised that they won't tell me, he wouldn't budge.
Now, his father (58M, let's call him John) told me that they're not here to beg for me to give Jake a chance to explain. He said they wanted to also know my side which I told them everything that happened since March last year. They were silent for a while, then Anna told me that no matter what my decision will be, they will support me.
But they're also hoping that I find it in my heart to give Jake a chance because it might look suspicious, they believe that Jake will not hurt me. She said that they will still always be there for me if I ever needed help, even if I decided to break up with Jake. That they will understand it.
I cried as they were actually very kind people and I'm actually sad that these happened to us. I started to doubt my decisions, that maybe I should have let him say his piece.
I also asked my Aunt for an advice but even her was also torn as she believes Jake wouldn't do such a thing, that maybe there's an explanation. She told me to first let every negative emotions flow out of me.
Then once I have a clear head, then that's when I should make a decision. I'm so sorry if this gotten too long but I hope I gave the details you guys needed. AITA for leaving him without giving him chance to explain his side?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
He cheated on you. I doubt she just showed up and just so happened to walk in at the exact moment they kissed. More than likely been sleeping together since they bumped onto each other. He's picked her over you twice now. Stop wasting your time and just block him and his family.
Definitely NTA. He cheated on you and lied to you for a year. You don’t owe him a single thing. Having made the mistake in the past, don’t give him a chance to weasel his way back in. Nothing he can say will make it better. And someone that is willing to do that to you doesn’t love you.
NTA. This obviously isn’t innocent. The fact that this overly honest man didn’t tell you he ran into her, started acting distant, denied it for a year, repeatedly postponed your wedding, called in sick to spend time alone with her and was kissing her may be all of the information you need.
He has feelings for her that are strong enough to make him put off marrying you. He looked you in the eye every day and lied to you for a year. He’s a wreck??? These were all his choices!