'AITA for breaking the news that my FIL is not ever going to be cancer free again?'
"AITA for breaking the news that my FIL is not ever going to be cancer free again?"
So, my (27f) father-in-law (62m) was diagnosed with a chronic form of cancer a little less then a year ago. My husband (32m) and his brother (32m) and their mother (62f) have been part of the process from day one (and heard the explanation I am about to give too). The cancer he had is not of the aggressive kind but will never go away either.
Best case scenario is the doctors can stop chemo and some kind of immune-therapy takes over the treatment successfully. They tried this for the first time in November of last year (stop the chemo he had been having since the diagnoses) and try to let the immune-therapy take over. But in March, they came to the conclusion that this take-over did not work and they had to restart.
Different chemo, different immune-therapy. This is the way it will always be for my FIL. He understands this. The rest of the family does not seem to understand and keeps telling him he needs to rest a lot and wait until the cancer is gone to restart doing the things he did before (simple stuff like working in his garden, but also meeting up with his friends, going for a bike ride).
He told me once he hates these comments because they want him to wait it out, but there is nothing to wait out because it is not going away. Lately he just starts crying whenever someone says anything like it. And yesterday he left the room...people were like “why is he so sensitive.” And I was like, because his illness is chronic and will not go away, you are literally asking him to stop his life forever.
You all heard the doctors, why do you keep talking about “when its over?" It is not going to be over, ever. They all claimed never having heard that before but we were all present when the doctor gave this diagnoses. But maybe it was such a shock to them they deliberately forgot it? So AITA for telling them?
The internet did not hold back one bit.
DinaFelice wrote:
One of two things is true: Option one is that they didn't hear (or heard but didn't understand) the doctors. In that case N. A. H., and they should be thanking you profusely for informing them of this extremely important fact and/or calling the doctors in a panic to learn what else they missed.
Option two is that they decided to pretend that they didn't hear the doctors so that they can pretend that this is a temporary situation. Which would be fine, except that they are doing their pretending in such a way that it is causing pain and distress to the very person they should be trying to support.
In that case, NTA because they needed a wake up call about how grossly inappropriate their behavior was. Since they are upset with you for telling them, it seems clear to me that we are in option two territory, so you are NTA.
Gaymer7437 wrote:
NTA. As someone with a chronic illness that is not cancer I constantly wish people would understand that sometimes you are unwell for the rest of your life. If I waited to do the things I love until I got better I would die miserable. These people are delusional and it sounds like they care more about their own feelings than about his.
At best they did not understand the doctors when they got told it was permanent. He should be active and do the things he loves while he can because eventually he won't be able to do those things anymore.
BlueDragon82 wrote:
NTA - I went through this when my Dad had cancer. Everyone in the family wanted to believe that he was going to be miraculously cured of cancer. It was really frustrating when they would keep suggesting that he ask about other treatments or consider other hospitals.
The treatment protocol he was on was based on one of the best cancer hospitals in the US. Unfortunately my Dad's cancer was extremely aggressive and already very advanced when he was diagnosed. Chemo, radiation, and immunotherapy were just stop-gaps to buy him a few more years.
He and I knew that and accepted it but everyone else kept wanting a miracle cure. Even at the end, when he was getting hospice care at home, my sibling kept threatening to call an ambulance any time our Dad struggled with anything or seemed to be getting worse. I had to be really pushy and forceful about how that was not happening.
Thankfully my Dad was able to pass away exactly how he wanted, at home and not alone. I was with him the entire time as he took his last breath. My advice is to advocate for him. Anytime they bring up stuff like that just talk over them. Help him do the things he wants to do. If they try to interfere remind them that he's a grown adult who is capable of making his own decisions.
Bubblestheimplacable wrote:
NTA. I also deal with chronic illness, and it is so frigging hard to grieve the life you wanted and the life you had and begin to pick back up any sense of normality. And at the end if the day, the most important person is FIL and what he needs to figure out what kind of life he's going to have going forward. Anything he feels well enough to want to do, he should be encouraged to do.
And yes he's gonna drive his energy levels into the ditch a few times while learning his new limits, but the other option is to give up entirely. I hope the rest of the family can hear his prognosis and find their own ways and spaces to grieve. But the best place for their fear is literally anywhere else. I hope they only need one blunt reminder to offer comfort and support to FIL.