'AITA for breaking up with my fiance after he insisted on me forgiving my bio dad?' UPDATED

"AITA for breaking up with my fiance after he insisted on me forgiving my bio dad?"

So, basically I (28F now) and my twin brother Leo (28M) were raised by my mother alone in our childhood. She was married to my dad, but divorced him when she found out he was cheating, and he just disappeared and didn't even paid child support when we were four years old.

My mom raised us alone, that grew up with ab-sive parents. She was a teacher and did her best to take care of us, and she was and still is simply the best mom you could ask for. Never ab-sive or unfair, never showed any favoritism, she was always interested in us and was the perfect combination of a fun, but responsible parent.

As a result, my brother and I decided to do our best not to generate any problem to her. We did our best in school, didn't generate troubles and did all our chores. My mom started dating our stepdad, Carlos, who was her high school sweetheart when we were eleven. And this guy was always the father we never had, and loved us like their own.

They also had our little sister Virginia, and we have been a big happy family. Now, our dad tried to reach us several times. But after a few disappointments, Leo and I decided to cut him off and appreciate that we had a great man like Carlos in our lives, who swore to us that he would never go away. Back to the present, I had been dating my now ex fiance Jonathan (30M) for three years.

We had been engaged for a couple of months and living together, and everything seemed perfect, except one thing: He sometimes would try to convince me to forgive my father and to invite him to our wedding. He knows everything that happened, but he's still insisting on the fact that he's family and I should forgive him. But I draw the line when he invited his parents and tried to make an intervention.

I had to hold my anger as I heard all their bullshit, and I was about to snap, but I forced myself to calm down. I simply took off my ring, left it at the table and said that we were done for good. They were all shock, and I stood up, grabbed my phone and called my ex boyfriend from high school, Lucas (28M) and explained what happened to him, and asked for some help to go back to my hometown.

Lucas and I dated for four years, from fourteen to eighteen and broke up due to distant. We were friends since we were six years old, so he was with me through all the disappointments that my bio dad gave me. We're still friends and see each other when we go back home, and often call each other He was angry, and told me he would be there right away.

The town it's only an hour away from the city I was living in. I started to pack my stuff, while him and his parents kept trying to make me change my mind, but I just ignored and called my mom and brother to tell them the wedding was off and that I would be going back home for a while.

They kept and kept telling me I was exaggerating, that I was choosing wrong, but I just packed everything I own and Lucas showed up pretty quick. Of course, my ex fiance was mad that I had called my ex boyfriend, but I didn't care and Lucas and I just went back home. Luckily, I work from home, so I don't have any problem moving whenever I want.

I can work from anywhere. I decided to let know all my close circle what had happened right away, and they are all on my side. I arrived to my hometown, and my stepdad, mom and little sister received me with a lot of love, and told me I needed to do what felt right and not to force myself to get myself in a marriage if my fiance can't even respect my boundaries and invalidates my feelings.

Lucas said that I deserve someone better, and to try to focus on moving on. However, Jonathan's friends and family is still berating me for breaking up with him in front of his parents and leaving with my ex just like that.

But in my defense, he didn't give me a choice. Part of me is thinking they're only doing it because their his family and friends, but part of me is starting to believe that maybe yeah, I handled things wrong. I don't regret breaking up with him, it hurts, but it just feels better like this. But maybe I was too harsh. I don't know, AITA?

The comments had a lot to say in response.

ThrowRArosecolor wrote:

NTA. You handled that amazingly and I wish I had your backbone! How dare he say he was embarrassed when he and his parents got together to pressure you to do something you didn’t want to do. Let it be a lesson to him and his friends and family: don’t b-lly the person you say you love.

remainsofme wrote:

NTA. You are 28-years-old and have had plenty of time to make this decision. You already have a perfectly wonderful father figure, and the right man will respect your wishes on this.

springflowers68 wrote:

NTA. The fact your now ex would stage an intervention using his parents against you is a huge sign of things to come. Is this how he would handle other disagreements? Where you should live, how you raise your kids, etc.

Leahthevagabond wrote:

NTA your family is right, don’t waste time on someone who doesn’t respect your boundaries. He was using his parents to try to pressure and manipulate you into doing something so he was the reason he got broken up with in front of his parents. You dodged a bullet! Here is hoping for a rekindled romance with Lucas.

Three months later, OP shared an update.

I doubt anyone will read this, but here's an update. I would like to thank everyone who commented, I wasn't able to see the comments until like a week later due to some problems I had with my phone, and it seemed pretty pointless to reply after so long.

But thanks for the advices, I appreciate. So, it's been over three months since I posted, four since I broke up with my ex fiance. A lot has happened ever since. After the first month, I thought my ex had given up, but he tried hard to find me through all our contacts.

Finally, one mutual friend told him where I was and he showed up at my house. My stepdad threatened to call the authorities if he didn't leave, and he did, but told my stepdad he wouldn't stop trying until he could talk to me. I wasn't home at the time, and I chose to talk to him. I decided to call him and make things clear to him. I didn't think it was necessary, but I did think maybe he thought we still had a chance.

So I called him and I told him that we were done and that wouldn't change, and I didn't care what reasons he had to do what he did, I was clear about the situation with my bio dad and he completely ignored my feelings and thoughts when it wasn't his business, and that someone like him, who thinks he's always right is not someone to be trusted. Then I just cut the phone call.

Some people on the comments kept asking why would he do this, and I think that's because of two reasons: The first one is that his mindset is that family is family, and no matter what, you need to always be there for them. As you can guess, I don't agree with that at all. I think family is the people you choose, and no person is worthy of being in your life just because they are your own blood.

And I think like this for a long while now, and it's what helped me get through everything. Also, he was the type of person who thinks the best thing is to forgive to be okay with yourself, to be at peace. And well, that's BS for me. I don't think that's necessary at all, and I think you can move on from something without forgiving anyone who screwed you up.

Some people also thought that I needed to go to therapy to deal with this. The truth is that I went to therapy for a while for this and multiple other problems, and I'm at peace with it. I don't think about it, but I do know that I don't want him on my life, and that's my choice and no one else's.

Now, many asked why I asked my ex to come pick me up, and the truth is pretty simple. I trust Lucas with my life, but besides that, he's tall and a boxer, and well, I knew that there were chances of everything going to s-t and that things could get vi-lent, or at least I was scared of it, and that's why I called Lucas.

I once had another situation with another guy I went out with for like a month, he got violent and I called Lucas to help me. Like I said in the post, we were friends before dating, and now it's kinda confusing.

I'm not the kind to jump from one relationship to another, and that's why I avoided seeing Lucas personally, because I was starting to feel confused with my feelings towards him. I took my time to process the break up, and two weeks ago I met with him to talk and told him what was happening to me, he said he was going through something similar and we agreed to give it another shot.

We're still seeing, but it's pretty clear to me that my feelings are even stronger than I thought. Anyway, hopefully this will be my first and last update, but you never know. I heard that my ex is still trying to contact me, but I'm just ignoring it for now. If things get messy, I'll see what I'll do then.

The comments kept coming.

tmlynch wrote:

"He was the type of person who thinks the best thing is to forgive to be okay with yourself, to be at peace."

Even if you forgave your bio dad, that doesn't mean inviting him to the wedding.

It would just mean letting go of the past hurt he inflicted. No need to set him up to cause more harm. Either way, his insistence that his view is the only correct approach was properly a deal breaker.

"I think family is the people you choose."

This is one of my favorite concepts. The family of friends I have chosen has been as much, and sometimes more, support than my birth family.

RandomSupDevGuy wrote:

You see I get family is family and family forgives, but to have it as final as that is just to the point of insanity. Your ex could never understand the hurt of being abandoned, at having false hope of reconciliation and then actually processing that and deciding that no amount of work can resolve that issue except walking away and removing that toxicity.

While he is allowed to have an opinion on it he cannot force his opinion on you. I just wish the best for you, whether that is with Lucas, alone or with someone else.

SnooWords4839 wrote:

Best of luck with Lucas, who knows, now that both of you are older, you may actually be ready for the 2 of you to work out.

DawnShakhar wrote:

Your ex may have had a lot of high-sounding reasons to do what he did - like"family is always family", and "forgiveness is necessary for healing." But the fact is that he disrespected your feelings and tried to coerce you to act against your wishes.

All his pretty phrases go down the drain before that fact. I hope you have a good life. Lucas and you seem to have a good potential together - take it slow, and I wish you well!