'AITA for calling my close friend an idiot and money suck because she wants me to pay to bond with her kid?'
"AITA for calling my close friend an idiot and money suck because she wants me to pay to bond with her kid?"
This is such a stupid situation but alas | (28F) have a longtime friend, “Lena” (29F).We've known each other since middle school. Had our ups and downs but things have been fine overall. Lena's life isn't super easy.
She had her first child, “Maya”, at 16 and had a couple more before she was 24. I'm the godmother of the younger 2 but not Maya since I was so young when she was born. Still, I love Maya to death and l've always been like an aunt to her.
Lena has financial issues and I try to help whenever I can. I don't charge to babysit, if I have extra money, 'll buy them a few groceries, etc. I try to do what I can financially but I'm not rich myself so it's not always a lot. Lena also asks me for help A LOT, though, and I give what I can because I don't want my godchildren going without, even when it puts me in uncomfortable financial situations.
Anyway, Maya feels she's getting a little too old to always be playing with her younger siblings so l've started taking her out with me on various outings on Saturdays. Over the past few years, Lena has started getting Maya into modeling and influencing. It was a slow start but she's a super cute kid and things are starting to pickup.
She knows Maya and I have this standing "date" for a few hours every Saturday. Lena came to me this morning to talk about this upcoming weekend. Apparently, things are really starting to take off for Maya. Lena has already had to turn down quite a few shoots/gigs/whatever because she wanted to be considerate of our bonding time.
But she says that's no longer feasible because they’re starting to pay more. She doesn't, however, want our time together to stop, necessarily. She just wants me to pay her the money Maya would be missing out on if she could've had a gig that day. The one she can book this weekend is apparently $400? I won't lie. I laughed in her face at first.
I thought it was some weird joke, like "you know, you're dealing with a future superstar" or something. But no, she was dead serious. She wants me to pay for the luxury of hanging out with Maya. The conversation basically ended with the title. AITA for being so rude to her?
The internet had a LOT to say in response.
Heathcoatman wrote:
NTA of course. If I were in your shoes I would have been flabbergasted. I'm projecting a bit but I wonder if this 400$ gig is actually real. If she really had a gig like that, the proper thing for the mom to say is 'her career is starting to take off so this Saturday is no good. Is there another time of the week you two can spend time together?
Like Wednesday evening or something?' or 'Hey, she has this important gig on Saturday, want to come along and we can get something to eat afterwards?'. Even though 400$ is 400$, isn't the experience and exposure of the 400$ gig important for raising her profile? It sounds a bit fishy that the mom would even offer to 'rent her to you' instead of going to a career building gig.
I probably would have responded "I'd love to but I'm a little tapped on cash these days, I've been helping out a friend financially so much that my expendable funds are a bit tapped". I don't blame you for lashing out a bit. Some things are so far out of line that it's sometimes hard not to.
OP responded:
Actually, this makes a lot of sense and I was too astounded by the request to even think this through. I’m gonna reach out to Maya and see what she can tell me about the gig.
ademondstareye wrote:
This is well and truly absurd. What happens when Maya is invited to a friend's birthday party and it conflicts with an appearance? Shall she charge the birthday kid a fee to appear? Tip the paparazzi off, strut into the party in Gucci shades and an ironic Yankees cap? Please. NTA.
OP responded:
Right! I get wanting her kid to be successful but making others pay for her to have fun outside of work just feels ridiculous to me.
Tdluxon wrote:
NTA. This is a totally bizarre request. I'm assuming that Lena is keeping the money that Maya makes, in which case I also think it isn't right that she's essentially using her young daughter as a source of income. What you said is pretty much dead on but I don't she's going to change her mind.
OP responded:
I guess I CAN give her credit for at least using some of the money to get the kids nicer clothes and updated school supplies but she does seem to pocket most of it.
Nandodecolonoscopy wrote:
There's no chance that she's turning down paying gigs because she wants her child to spend time with you. That's obviously something she made up to get money from you.
Your friend is crazy and you're super gullible.
Altruistic-western-73 wrote:
No. Lena is a typical broken woman, and her kids will be turn out that way if you do not help them. However by getting them into the TikTok stage at that age, Maya is going to be a broken woman in so many ways by the time she gets to 16.
There is not rational to expect a friend, and especially a friend who has supported her so much, to pay for time with her child. Lena is a narcissist so just cut her off. Unfortunately that will mean cutting off Maya too, so just before you do that, have some time with Maya and tell her all that you have done for her family, how you feel about her, and in spite of that what her mom is doing to you.
Just state that you may not be able to meet for a long time, but you will always have her in your prayers, and you are looking forward to seeing each other. Make a clean cut. Block Lena on everything. Do not talk to her, chat, etc, do not meet with her until she has learned to be a friend, otherwise you are just a ATM/nanny to her.
OP responded:
Gosh, this feels like the logical answer, but Maya is my baby in so many ways. Just the thought is heartbreaking. The three of us really grew up together.
Extension-Issue3560 wrote:
OMG...she is a piece of work 🤦♀️ You already do way more than you should or can afford. As much as you love the kids , you need to stop taking care of your mooch friend...and focusing on your life and finances. Is there no baby daddy she can hound for money?
OP responded:
So Maya has a dad and the younger two share a dad. Maya’s dad kinda disappeared when she was around 2. No help from him. Can’t even find him to request child support from what I understand. The other dad helps “when he can,” I guess? But it doesn’t seem like he often can.
Warm_Water_5480 wrote:
Godparent doesn't mean parent, and you're doing way too much. I'm completely happy to help people, but when they lose appreciation and it becomes an expectation, they need to get cut off. Helping with your time if you have some free time is completely fine, but she should not be financially relying on you, that's absurd.
These are her bad decisions, and you shouldn't be destroying your future for them. It's not just the money you have now.. what's your retirement plan? Do you have an emergency fund? How's your quality of life? It's time to stop. NTA. Relationships shouldn't be transactional, but she's straight up using you.
OP responded:
So I do have an emergency fund and pretty decent savings. I mentioned in the post that I sometimes end up in uncomfortable financial situations but I will note that I don’t touch my savings at all for any reason. I won’t end up homeless helping them. My QOL is okay. I travel and enjoy the occasional drink and night out.