'AITA for calling my grandmother insane for having beef with a 16-year-old?' UPDATED

"AITA for calling my grandmother insane for having beef with a 16-year-old?"

I (19F) have a very complicated relationship with my paternal grandmother. She’s generally sweet to everyone but is very mean to my younger brother (16M). Always has been. I have a lot of theories as to why but my grandma insists it’s because my brother is immature/bratty/disrespectful etc.

My brother is more of a troublemaker than the rest of us but he is by no means a bad kid. Anyways, my parents, older siblings and younger brother refuse to speak to her at all and although I really want to cut contact with the old lady—I felt a little bad for her considering she’s all alone now.

My family are fine with me visiting and talking to her occasionally. Last week, I picked my brother up from school when grandma called. She said it was an emergency so I asked my brother if he minded if I drove over to her place real quick.

He said it was okay so we set off. My grandma kept spamming me with urgent texts the whole time. We finally get there and my brother decides to come in as well bc grandma sent very alarming texts but guess what? The “emergency” was that she ran out of f--ing avocados. Not once did she mention avocados in her texts.

My brother got pissed off bc he missed his sports practice and said “this is so f--ing annoying” and “f-k your avocados.” My grandma was shocked and called my brother a stupid bastard. She brought up his ADHD and how he was the result of an affair (100% sure he isn’t btw).

I got pissed off too bc she was being extra mean for no reason and called my grandma insane and told her that she was really f-king crazy for having beef with a kid. ALSO ITS JUST AVOCADOS. We left after a little more arguing. My grandma keeps messaging me now saying I broke her heart and that she expected better from me.

That I was incredibly rude and this isn’t good for her health. I refuse to respond to her texts and am planning on going no contact with her but my older sister said I was in the wrong yesterday which is making me doubtful. My sister says my brother insulted her first and she only retaliated. My sister also thinks my brother needed a “stern talking to” anyways.

The only reason I’m doubtful is because my sister HATES our grandma. That must mean something right? Also my grandma does have health issues which worsen when she’s in stress and she texted me only a couple of hours ago saying she’s almost fainted a bunch of times bc of my brother and me. So AITA for defending my brother and calling my grandma insane/crazy?

Commenters had a lot to say in response.

MightyMarf wrote:

Your granny is a master manipulator. How many members of your immediate family dislike her and avoid her? All of them, did you say? Your language might have been a bit rough indeed (and your brother's too), but granny claimed to have an emergency that turned out to be bogus and in poor taste. She does not respect you or your time. Stick to your guns. NTA.

OP responded:

I suppose our language was rough. And yes. All of them. My dad’s her only child too. She doesn’t have many friends either and my grandpa divorced her YEARS ago. Thanks for your comment.

DarkestSideMoon wrote:

NTA. Grandma is now trying to guilt trip you after being told off for her lack of respect. Don´t cave - parents and sister can help her then. Avocados are not emergencies. Maybe your brother was rude, but she seems to be very spiteful and mean - saying he is an affair child is disgusting even if it was true. It should not be thrown in an argument.

OP responded:

You’re absolutely right. But yeah-he isn’t an affair child lmao. The only reason my grandma thinks so is because my brother looks nothing like my dad and JUST like my mother who was/is extremely pretty.

My grandma wanted my brother to be in some beauty pageant (idk) when he was much younger and my mother refused because she hated those things and that was when my grandma started the affair child BS bc somehow it correlates. Eye roll am I right? Wow, recalling everything is seriously making me wonder why I even tried with her. Thanks for your reply.

Spoiled_Moose wrote:

NTA. F-k - and I say this with as much respect as I can muster - your Grandma

CatnipParade wrote:

NTA. F-- her avocados.

wutTFisA-RedditBruh wrote:

F-K HER AVOCADOS.

A week later, OP shared an update.

Quick update for people who asked. It hasn’t been long but I doubt much is going to happen after the s-t that happened so I’m updating now. So my little brother decided to take matters into his own hands and almost made everything so much worse. Him and his friends were going to egg (yes. EGG) my grandmother’s house. My older brother found out and put a stop to it.

We (other siblings and I) were pretty annoyed but then my brother had a huge breakdown. He said some sad stuff but basically he’s literally been feeling physical pain since the incident. My mom ended up walking in on this and she was so mad. She was upset with my siblings and I for keeping this whole thing a secret. But was more upset with my grandma.

After I finished explaining the whole situation, mom drove to my grandma’s house and blew up. She made me and my brother come along and holy. I’ve never seen my mom so angry. She told my grandma that she was tired of her behaving like a child and that she should’ve been grateful I still talked to her.

She called my grandma a jealous witch who needed to get over herself. She then forced her to apologize to my brother and I. My grandma apologized to me but refused to even look at my brother. This made my mom angrier and she made some very true observations about my grandma’s personality.

Then we left. My grandma was shocked the entire time. My mom NEVER shouts. She’s what some consider a “pushover”. But omg y’all. Anyways, mom apologized to us as well for some reason then got everyone ice cream. My dad is coming back tonight (mom told him everything) and he apologized for not being here as well.

They both feel guilty but I don’t think they understand that we didn’t tell them for their own sakes-not because we didn’t trust them. Either way, brother has a therapy appointment this week to talk about everything + work on the whole egging houses thing but other than that, that’s it.

My grandma hasn’t texted me since my mom yelled at her.

I touched on this in the comments but the reason she dislikes my brother so much is because he is quite literally a copy of my mom and my mom is stunning. My mom was in beauty competitions as a kid and so was my grandma.

My grandma never won a single one while my mother won a couple. That’s what stemmed her hatred for my mom. It’s crazy how this all ties back to something so t-xic. Also my grandma loves being in control so when my mother refused to allow my brother to participate in these dumb a-s beauty pageants my grandma went crazy and accused my mom of cheating on my dad.

In conclusion? I’m really f-ing stupid for wanting to give my grandma a chance despite knowing all this. Like I’m going insane wondering why. Anyways, thanks for the supportive comments. I do realize now that grandma is not my responsibility.

The comments kept coming in.

[deleted] wrote:

I am so glad that your mother stood up for you. Your grandmother is truly t-xic, immature and quite controlling. Hopefully, your brother will benefit from therapy and completely cut your grandmother out of your life. I think your whole family should go NC with her; she will live to regret it very soon.

ShibeDogBork wrote:

Hey, I get it. Deep down we don't always want to believe our family can be s-ty. I know this because I have forgiven t-xic family members too many times and each time I was hurt more and more until therapy and a real support system showed me that I don't need them.

You were never the AH for trying to remain in contact, you were trying to do the right thing and now standing by your brother is continuing to do the right thing. Grandma made her bed and she can wallow in all the self pity she wants. That is not and will never be your responsibility.

yet_another_sock wrote:

I think the important thing in all this is that your brother is finally getting help and support. I understand your perpetual sense of guilt and obligation towards your grandmother — it comes from a kind place, especially in a world where the elderly are so often left to fend for themselves — but she's an adult, and he's a child, and one who has been dealing with this since he was a very young one.

A lot of teenage boys are prone to acting on emotional pain in impulsive, illegal ways, and suffering life-altering consequences for it.

This all could have gone very poorly for him, but it didn't, thank god. I do pity your grandmother if pageant culture f-ed up her brain so horrifically for decades, but the way she's acting, it doesn't seem feasible to help her while making sure your brother feels safe and respected. And if you're going to feel a sense of responsibility to one of these people, it should be your brother.

zgamer200 wrote:

I wouldn't call you stupid for wanting a relationship with your grandma who you described as being all alone. That's called having compassion for a fellow human being, and is ultimately a good thing even if sadly in this case it was misplaced. That being said it's important to recognize that sometimes people are the creators of their own misery, and it sure seems like your grandma is one of those people.

That's not the kind of person you want in your life, and as sad as it may be for people like that to grow old alone, it's ultimately their own choices that led them to their circumstances. You don't have any responsibility towards your grandma here.

BendingCollegeGrad wrote:

From your original post: "My parents, older siblings and younger brother refuse to speak to her at all and although I really want to cut contact with the old lady—I felt a little bad for her considering she’s all alone now. My family are fine with me visiting and talking to her occasionally."

I fell for that crap, too. “This person has no one!” You aren’t stupid to give her a chance. Now you know earlier than most that, quite often, when someone has no one?

There is a reason for it. My dad was in a care home for a bit. I got to know the other patients’ kids as well as the patients. Believe me when I say the ones who were alone were so because they are sh-ty people. Always were. Being old doesn’t excuse ab-se from past or present.