'AITA for calling out my dad for trying to police my siblings emotions since he ended his engagement?'
"AITA for calling out my dad for trying to police my siblings emotions since he ended his engagement?"
My dad was in a relationship with "Sue" for about 3 years. They got engaged in October and had done a lot of future planning together, from whether they'd have kids together, where they'd live and other stuff. Sue had no kids but wanted them. Dad has four kids including me (17f) and my younger siblings (11f, 10m and 8m). Our mom died 6 years ago.
Obviously I don't know everything that happened but from what I know, Sue was "okay" with not having bio kids and she said we'd be enough but she wanted to be an equal parent and adult in the family.
Not so much with me. She had realized the ship sailed. But with my siblings she expected to be a 50% decision maker and someone who had access to everything for them. This included the life insurance money from mom that was split between me and my siblings.
She said she wanted to know everything we had and where it was and she wanted to be a part of how we'd spend it. One big example is Sue strongly believes in going to a good college, an expensive college and getting a practical degree.
So she would have expected the money to go largely to that and not to community college or trade school and she definitely didn't want it to go toward some of the possibilities mom laid out (traveling, buying a house and things like trade school or even to support us through an apprenticeship).
My dad said he couldn't support that and especially giving her access to the money mom left was wrong. It was something they fought over. He also told her it would be up to my siblings what kind of role she had and he pointed out that none of my siblings called her mom yet and may never. She said as long as she was treated as one she didn't need the title.
The breakup happened after my dad and I had discussed more about my plans for after graduation next month (crazy to think about!!). I'm not going to college and I have a placement at a bakery where I'm basically apprenticing for the next two years after graduation.
Dad supports this 100%. He's also aware I was going to move out after graduation. Sue didn't like the topic of discussion and even though she wasn't trying to have the same say with me like with my siblings she didn't like being left out and while she was moving all her stuff out she said some stuff that made me extra relieved she was gone.
Because I feel like she would have really tried to mold my siblings into the kids she wanted and made them live out these dreams she had for kids she doesn't have. She said I was wasting money and time on baking when I should be looking into a smart degree and other things like that. She also stated my siblings would benefit from two parents making decision for them instead of one.
After she moved out it was so clear dad was bummed and I tried to help cheer him up but he took the breakup hard. My siblings didn't take it hard. They actually didn't have any issues after Sue was gone. And that's something my dad clearly can't accept.
He's corrected them for being so okay. Telling them they should be more upset that Sue was gone and especially my baby brother who was only 5 when dad started dating her.
Another time dad sat us down and explained that she wasn't coming back and we said it was okay and he told my sister it wasn't and wasn't she worried about coming to him for girl stuff and she told him she had me.
Then there was the day he asked if they missed Sue at all and before they could answer he said they didn't act like it and Sue was a part of their lives for a good while and they should miss her.
My baby brother told me dad had asked him why he didn't ask to call or even see Sue and my brother wasn't sure how to answer because when he said he didn't want to call or see her dad told him he should be asking. He should care more.
So I took my dad to the side and I told him that I get that it sucks that his relationship didn't work out and I said we understood he missed Sue and had loved and wanted her. I told him it doesn't mean he can police the way my siblings feel or their emotions around the breakup.
I told him it's different for them. He told me she was in their lives for almost 3 years and that should make an impact and I said he chose her, not them. I told him it looked like he wanted them to beg for her back so he could get back together with her and give in to what she wanted.
And I said if that's what he wants then nobody could stop him but he still can't police their feelings. My dad said I don't understand and he said my siblings are all acting like they're my age instead of their ages. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:
Nope NTA at all—you’re out here being the unpaid in-house therapist and emotional bodyguard and your dad’s acting like he’s the director of a very dramatic soap opera called “why aren’t my kids crying?”
Like sorry did he want them to hold a candlelight vigil for sue in the living room? Should they wear all black and release a symbolic balloon every week? He’s mad the 8-year-old didn’t throw himself on the floor sobbing screaming “not Sueeeee!!!”
DayIndividual235 (OP)
I think my dad probably needs therapy or something but I don't think he'll like that coming from me. Hopefully what I said gets true eventually or someone else can. Also thank you!! Excited about baking.
you’re so thoughtful seriously. it’s hard carrying all that emotional weight but you handled it with honesty and care—and that will stick with him even if it takes a while. hopefully someone else he trusts echoes it too. and hey you’ve got such a good head and heart—those are ingredients for both great boundaries and amazing baked goods. so proud of you!
I think your Dad is regretting his decision but too stubborn to admit he wants her back, and now he's upset the kids can't be his excuse. A part of me also wonders if she's moved on and started dating, making it real for him.
Dear gods, is his mother still living? Cause you need to call grams over to come git her kid, he acting a fool all over the place. You already help raise your siblings, I don't think its too much to ask, you not have to parent your own father too. NTA.